It is enough!!!
I want to shout this at the top of my lungs because this is just so liberating.
It is enough!
Enough of the times when I am demotivated by circumstances with my loved ones robbing away my joy and passion.
Enough of the times I feel so discouraged and affected by the ongoings and then amplifying it to my current situation.
Enough of the times I only focus on what is negative and forget about thanksgiving.
Enough of the times being preoccupied with what's not....instead of what is.
Enough of the times I strangle myself for not being to meet certain expectations, trying to be all competent.
Enough of the times of trying to be strong when I am not, believing that it is necessary to be the emotionless pillar to my loved ones.
Enough of the times I feel I need to focus my energy on solving the issues in my life when all I needed to do is surrendering to You.
Enough of the times I tell myself I need more energy to attend to the circumstances in my own life depriving this energy from what I am passionate about, what I was called to do.
Enough of the times I feel so insecure trying to find security elsewhere, when all I need is to just run into Your secure embrace.
Vulnerability is not weakness. IT IS STRENGTH!!
Insecurity comes. Pain surfaces. Fear overwhelms. Disappointments are inevitable. Expectations may get trampled. Circumstances grew bigger by day. Nothing is within my control. Future is terrifying.
Yet.....MY JESUS IS ON THE THRONE. Can you beat that?!?!?!!
Victory is ALREADY MINE!! Get it? HAHAHA!!
To anything that is trying to rob the joy and love in Jesus....make people believe that we need to do something, and take matters to our own hand....Listen up!
I am waging a war against you.
The children of God is waging a war against you!!
##
And so I will look to Jesus even more!
I will pursue my passion even more!
I will be soak in His love even more!
I will sing His praises even more!
I will burrow into His heart even more!
I will proclaim His promises over my family even more!
I will proclaim His promises over my future even more!
AND I WILL TRUST HIM EVEN MORE!!!!
Because CHRIST IS ENOUGH!
When I take matters into my own hand, I am fearful
But when I TRUST HIM......the fear vanishes. I acknowledge His power and seating on the throne....that I am His daughter and He has for me the best interest in His heart....
Come what may.....even if it means I lose all that I love.....I know Daddy's ever-pursuing love surpasses it all. And I will never be lack of it....and that is ENOUGH! :)
*dance. skip. twirl. wiggle*
So thankful. So blessed. I am falling in love with Him even more. Owh...~ And yes...I will BUILD YOUR CHURCH on this Rock....and the Gates of Hades shall not prevail against it!!! I will build those You have placed under my care. Because this is YOUR CHURCH!
When we declare it is enough.....The quiet whispers of longing grew louder and turned into a battle cry. Every war that we wage against the situations in our lives with Jesus - Our God is He who fights for us :) It is DONE. We've won!! Period.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Women and Inevitable Insecurities
I guess I am in a journey whereby God is moulding me, and also allowing me to see the many things in life that I need to take note of in order to run the long journey ahead. I am beginning to see why God allow me to have a relationship at this point...during my time of preparation for a calling He has prepared for me.....this relationship is also a preparation.
In the relationship, even though it has only been a month and a little more, many things have surfaced within. Mainly insecurities. Not to say that Kelvin hasn't been trying his best to be secure to me, but more so of me needing to battle the past that I have been through. I tell you...as much as you thought you have overcome so much....then you enter a new experience, to find out, there are still more things to overcome. Even if your partner may have fulfilled 90 percent of what a good partner should, you will still linger on the 10 percent. Well, as David Oh once said....God focuses on all that we can have, but the devil focuses on the ONE we cannot have. So true!
Life is indeed...full of overcoming...and there will never be a time you don't need breakthroughs anymore. Sometimes, I feel tired....but then again, it only shows me one thing....I need to stop depending on myself...and start depending on Him. Over and over this had been proclaimed....but there will be situations after situations in life that you notice you have to keep surrendering again and again...one by one. But rest assured...it only gets easier with time :) ...Because from past record, you know you were never shortchanged when you surrendered.
so....what conrtibuted to my insecurities? Past in my family, stories of the many counseling issues, fears that were planted by words of my parents, even in my past relationship....Like it or not, we are all total sum of our background, histories, and experiences. There were many hurts, betrayed, feelings that caused me to feel really doubtful that things can be promising without any effort. And what is effort on my part? Doubts. If I doubt enough, to be cautious enough....then things may be under control?
I knew I was wrong the moment this statement came up. Because I was convicted. And I am grateful He is showing me how these could have been detrimental. Because in the long run, if I am not secure enough, it could affect ministry. When there are more reasons for suspicions....without security, and knowing my identity....it may shaken the entire relationship and ministry...I am glad the preparations started while we are in the equipping season...not when we are there and we have to deal with the real thing. If not settled now, the enemy is going to use that one thing against us and to cripple us. I am so determined to set him on fire now. hahahaha! Like literally, this is WAR! RAR!
Hence this time round, I tried....not suppressing, but learning to trust. Learning to let go....and not question, even though my entire being is itching and wondering. HAHA! Kelvin has always asked me to question because he wants to assure me....Well, I am not letting suspicions have the last say. Refusing to feed it....and be effortful in ensuring that insecurity do not take over. When insecurity creeps in, it leaks. And I know....what happens then? The mind will wander and begin to pick on certain parts of life wondering and wondering...why this happened?...what's the reason?.....could the reason be that simple? Is there more?...
What if this, what if that....what ifs after what ifs that never happened. But it crippled my ability to step in a little deeper.
I guess you can say that....it is a trait that runs in my family. They are generally very suspicious people....Or very chinese mindset who thinks the world is out there to suck out all the good from you....to benefit from you and be parasites.... And they often go to the extremes of worst case scenario. Come to think of it, it is be quite sad....because you don't live by faith, you don't hold on to the possibilities of hope. Anything good is good. Anything bad...is..."I knew it"....I have always commented on how "without hope" family members can sometimes be that they are afraid of people taking advantage of them all the time, lacking of trust....but then I find myself falling into the same trap...only thing different is the scenarios
So I have been thinking lately....and I noticed, as I was reminiscing the conversations I have with some girls....seemed like the "suspicion" period is inevitable in today's society. It is in the moment where the girl is still deciding whether should I plunge in completely and just trust....or is there any "red alert" signs that I need to ensure I am not too blind to see it at this point....some girls do it their whole lives...afraid may be cheated if let off guard....that is quite sad isn't it? I don't want that in all honesty.
I am a child of God. My partner is a child of God. We are better than that, we are not affected by the world's standard. That is what we aim to be. But issues are real, experiences are real....that is why...breakthrough is inevitable. So what do I do when insecurity creeps in to pinpoint the little little things that weren't align with your own belief system? I mean come on...no matter how similar two people can be, they grew up in different backgrounds, it is difficult to completely just understand someone....
So what happens then? Learn to dance with Jesus :) And remember He holds the key to your happiness...not anything else. Not the "perfection" of what expect to have. In fact....I have always been a perfectionist. In my pastoral care, in my studies, work...everything....time to cut myself some slack...and do others a favor by cutting theirs too :))
So my friends, imperfection even as leaders, as you embark on the journey of discovery of who you truly are....is not the end. Beyond discovery, is total surrender, trust again and again.
Insecurity is experienced by many women...mainly because of disappointments with men and father figures of the current time.....but it is really not the end. Find a godly man...A godly relationship helps you realize these things, breakthrough, and become more secure in God...which in turn will help you grow secure with each other. God first. Then each other :)
I won't say I have totally overcome this....but I am getting there. Because I refuse to be in the enemy's ploy. There. Declaring means have to work on it no matter what. Hehe.
What about you? Would you allow your women's insecurity to cripple you? I know it would be a greater struggle if you have felt betrayed, wounded, taken advantage, abused emotionally or sexually by men. But remember, Life is about making choices. I am making mine :)
In the relationship, even though it has only been a month and a little more, many things have surfaced within. Mainly insecurities. Not to say that Kelvin hasn't been trying his best to be secure to me, but more so of me needing to battle the past that I have been through. I tell you...as much as you thought you have overcome so much....then you enter a new experience, to find out, there are still more things to overcome. Even if your partner may have fulfilled 90 percent of what a good partner should, you will still linger on the 10 percent. Well, as David Oh once said....God focuses on all that we can have, but the devil focuses on the ONE we cannot have. So true!
Life is indeed...full of overcoming...and there will never be a time you don't need breakthroughs anymore. Sometimes, I feel tired....but then again, it only shows me one thing....I need to stop depending on myself...and start depending on Him. Over and over this had been proclaimed....but there will be situations after situations in life that you notice you have to keep surrendering again and again...one by one. But rest assured...it only gets easier with time :) ...Because from past record, you know you were never shortchanged when you surrendered.
so....what conrtibuted to my insecurities? Past in my family, stories of the many counseling issues, fears that were planted by words of my parents, even in my past relationship....Like it or not, we are all total sum of our background, histories, and experiences. There were many hurts, betrayed, feelings that caused me to feel really doubtful that things can be promising without any effort. And what is effort on my part? Doubts. If I doubt enough, to be cautious enough....then things may be under control?
I knew I was wrong the moment this statement came up. Because I was convicted. And I am grateful He is showing me how these could have been detrimental. Because in the long run, if I am not secure enough, it could affect ministry. When there are more reasons for suspicions....without security, and knowing my identity....it may shaken the entire relationship and ministry...I am glad the preparations started while we are in the equipping season...not when we are there and we have to deal with the real thing. If not settled now, the enemy is going to use that one thing against us and to cripple us. I am so determined to set him on fire now. hahahaha! Like literally, this is WAR! RAR!
Hence this time round, I tried....not suppressing, but learning to trust. Learning to let go....and not question, even though my entire being is itching and wondering. HAHA! Kelvin has always asked me to question because he wants to assure me....Well, I am not letting suspicions have the last say. Refusing to feed it....and be effortful in ensuring that insecurity do not take over. When insecurity creeps in, it leaks. And I know....what happens then? The mind will wander and begin to pick on certain parts of life wondering and wondering...why this happened?...what's the reason?.....could the reason be that simple? Is there more?...
What if this, what if that....what ifs after what ifs that never happened. But it crippled my ability to step in a little deeper.
I guess you can say that....it is a trait that runs in my family. They are generally very suspicious people....Or very chinese mindset who thinks the world is out there to suck out all the good from you....to benefit from you and be parasites.... And they often go to the extremes of worst case scenario. Come to think of it, it is be quite sad....because you don't live by faith, you don't hold on to the possibilities of hope. Anything good is good. Anything bad...is..."I knew it"....I have always commented on how "without hope" family members can sometimes be that they are afraid of people taking advantage of them all the time, lacking of trust....but then I find myself falling into the same trap...only thing different is the scenarios
So I have been thinking lately....and I noticed, as I was reminiscing the conversations I have with some girls....seemed like the "suspicion" period is inevitable in today's society. It is in the moment where the girl is still deciding whether should I plunge in completely and just trust....or is there any "red alert" signs that I need to ensure I am not too blind to see it at this point....some girls do it their whole lives...afraid may be cheated if let off guard....that is quite sad isn't it? I don't want that in all honesty.
I am a child of God. My partner is a child of God. We are better than that, we are not affected by the world's standard. That is what we aim to be. But issues are real, experiences are real....that is why...breakthrough is inevitable. So what do I do when insecurity creeps in to pinpoint the little little things that weren't align with your own belief system? I mean come on...no matter how similar two people can be, they grew up in different backgrounds, it is difficult to completely just understand someone....
So what happens then? Learn to dance with Jesus :) And remember He holds the key to your happiness...not anything else. Not the "perfection" of what expect to have. In fact....I have always been a perfectionist. In my pastoral care, in my studies, work...everything....time to cut myself some slack...and do others a favor by cutting theirs too :))
So my friends, imperfection even as leaders, as you embark on the journey of discovery of who you truly are....is not the end. Beyond discovery, is total surrender, trust again and again.
Insecurity is experienced by many women...mainly because of disappointments with men and father figures of the current time.....but it is really not the end. Find a godly man...A godly relationship helps you realize these things, breakthrough, and become more secure in God...which in turn will help you grow secure with each other. God first. Then each other :)
I won't say I have totally overcome this....but I am getting there. Because I refuse to be in the enemy's ploy. There. Declaring means have to work on it no matter what. Hehe.
What about you? Would you allow your women's insecurity to cripple you? I know it would be a greater struggle if you have felt betrayed, wounded, taken advantage, abused emotionally or sexually by men. But remember, Life is about making choices. I am making mine :)
Thursday, June 5, 2014
The Pursuit of A Godly Relationship Part 2
In my previous post, we spoke about how both me and Kelvin got to open up our hearts to each other.
In this post, it is very much on how we finally got together. I have a very close buddy in Moscow. Her name is Charis Lian. In fact, she was the first person who introduced me to Kelvin. We have been discussing how everything has been divinely planned. How Charis got to know him and connect with him when he came to Moscow for visit. How he brought a book from Shirley that changes her life and challenged her to stay on in Moscow to make a difference, and how everything intertwin, that he got to know of Shirley Boon through her best buddy Yunn Min when Charis introduced the value of discipler to Yunn Min and then Yunn Min told Kelvin about Shirley. And how Angeline got to know about Shirley through them, join her CG, and also asked Kelvin to join...and tadaa....that's how we are all connected.
So, Charis Lian, being my very amazing sister, went and interrogate Kelvin when she found out about him wanting to pursue me. Asked him a series of important and test questions, which apparently, he passed with flying colors. HAHA.
So Charis was asking me one day, how would I want things to be when Kelvin asked me to be his girlfriend. So I shared with her. And behind me, she went to ask Kelvin how would he plan the day he proposed to me to be his girlfriend to be like....and he shared with her. So Charis came back telling me...Hazel, Kelvin knows your heart so well....you will be surprised. Prepared to be blown away.....so I tercengang cengang. Wondering what she meant.
And then...the day finally came. It was Easter Sunday. He just finished his 40 days....and I was at the final few days of mine....he was suppose to bring me out for a pre-couple date. Haha....but on that day, something happened...someone needed to go to the hospital, and both of us rushed that person to emergency. So we stayed on in the hospital (you know government hospital) for a few hours...and there goes our date....He was prepared to postpone it after we send the person home....but as he tried his luck by asking if I would still want to continue going out.....I said OK....but was wondering if the restaurant is still open...its midnight you know?
And then, I found out. He cooked :) Packed them all up ready for a picnic. Guess where are we going...Dataran Merdeka! HAHA...So we ate at Dataran Merdeka....with company of many many many cats prying on our food....These cats are really pretty I kid you not. Like really pretty. amazing thing is.....
So after meal, when we walk to the Tunku Abdul Rahman monument, he then asked me if I would like to walk this journey of life with him (because asking me to be his girlfriend is too mainstream and cliche he said :P).....Guess what....he did exactly everything that I hoped he would have done. I have never mentioned anything to him...But he did just the exact same thing.
I told Charis Lian the few things I hoped to have would be:
1. No need flowers or soft toys....but something significant and meaningful
2. Enter the relationship by praising and worshipping God
3. To meet our spirtual parents for a prayer of blessing.
So he brought me to Dataran Merdeka, as a significant landmark of both of our callings to our nation. That we will still pursue the calling and help each other in it even in the relationship. To strengthen, not dampen the call. He bought me a necklace with 3 crystals...signifying both of us and Jesus in the middle...and the white color crystal as our promise to fight for our purity till marriage. He even brought a guitar...he said the first thing we wanna do as couple is to worship God together. He planned that. But...of course it didn't happen because it was already very late...and there were a bunch of homeless people sleeping there who might have stonned us with the noise. Hahaha. So we started the relationship with a prayer. God's presence was really strong...and I am grateful we brought Jesus with us from the first day itself.
And indeed, he knew my heart. First thing I hope to do was to meet dash. He made an appointment but it was too late. So the meeting got postponed till I came back from hometown.
When all that happened, I immediately messaged Charis Lian and asked her if she had hinted Kelvin in any way....and she said....NO.....she even wrote me a note to tell me I have found a man who really knew my heart should I said "yes" to being his girlfriend. OK....So she didn't say anything...and after some few minutes of doubting her....I finally have to admit....This man, really knows my heart la. hahahaha
Well things, have been smooth still. No arguments...YET. What to expect. first month only kan? Hahaha. But my peace and happiness is that God has been in the picture the whole time since the beginning....and my comfort is that, as long as we both cling on closely and tightly to Jesus putting Him above everything else, we will grow to become more in love, and more of a helper to one another rather than a destroyer. I am just so glad Jesus is in the middle.
But having said that, with so much of miraculous signs and etc, this does not apply to everyone. God knew this would be an assurance for me, the person with little faith and skeptic...hahaa...so He did all these for me....and God being in the picture since beginning, doesn't mean we do not have to work hard at keeping this relationship alive, well, aligned and right before God. Starting off well, is not the key to a successful relationship....but progressing well and ending it well (will only end when we both die...hopefully!) is more crucial than the start to it.
Kelvin definitely helps me in many areas of my weaknesses. And I am grateful for that....I just pray that we will grow closer to God and grow to be more like Jesus as we learn to love one another. I really want Jesus to be in the middle of it all....till the day we see Him face to face....
Do pray for us :) ....that as we pursue our callings in life, and as we grow in our relationship, and our studies and our families, and ministries...we will learn to juggle, find balance...and most crucially put Jesus in the centre, always and forever....
Well, that's all. To my blog readers...I hope this blessed you and encouraged you to put God in the middle of every single details of your life....because He cares even to the little details. And these blog posts is not to portray myself as a love expert. Because in all honesty...I am a noob at it. Definitely not my experties...hahahha.... but this is crucial for me.....as a reminder that in every step in the walk of life, when things are difficult, or when I become forgetful, I will look back and remember and cherish this.
You can remind me too :)
We are still in a journey. Will share more when I have more discoveries and revelations.
So Cheers ~
The Pursuit of a Godly Relationship Part 1
So, I am attached again...finally after four years. LOL. Many will ask how did the story go? Well, writing this blog, it is not for me to tell the world how it all started. But more so of me wanting to remember how it all happened...and how amazing it was for me because God was evidently in the picture. That was all I really wanted and been praying for...that my next relationship, God must be so involved in the picture, that it is founded, rooted, connected and only workable with Him :) ....well, just in case I have Alzheimer or some sort of dementia, or maybe brain damange ...hahaha...at least this blog will remind me of things.
So, here goes.... I have been praying for my future partner in 2012. Was taking a Sabbath in 2011 so therefore didn't intend to have any relationship then. So, Kelvin came to City Harvest at the middle of 2012. By end of 2012, I remember Charis Lian telling me about this guy whom I should meet because he is also going all rar rar for the nation. I was very involved back then with some cause the nation is fighting for....And guess where is the first time I met him? Manhunt Emerge KL. Haha.
Apparently he was challenged to join the competition. When I saw him and his first liner of "I am the man you are hunting for"....I was going all "eww...so narcissistic"....hahahaha....but who would have expected we would really end up together now? I was quite judgmental with him...in many areas...
The first time we worked together was our mission trip to Myanmar in 2012, then to the streets a few times in 2013. I already didn't have much of a good impression on him to begin with, therefore I tried being clear with him as much as possible whenever we communicated. I was very particular in emphasizing "we are just friend"....well so did he. He wasn't really interested back then, according to him. I guess that was something that might have kept the friendship going....because I didn't feel he had much intention. I did initially, when he started talking to me and so forth....I thought he had interest and I emphasize the "being friends thing even more"....but he really genuinely treated me as friends. Most times talking about politics and even the dreams we are pursuing....something that has probably helped in bringing my guard a little down to understand and know him better as a person.
So when I first knew him, I felt he wasn't broken enough (well, I didn't know him that well, but call me judgmental :P...I am just like that). So initially I am quite skeptical with this guy. But in the course of one year, I saw a lot of changes. He went through some tough times...and I began realizing the things that I used to judge him with, isn't really who he is. So, I began to be a more real friend, rather than a judging one. Haha....ask him, I have given him so many direct shots in the first few times we contacted :P...We grew closer as friends due to common ground, but nothing much happened yet. I guess God must have remembered my "best friend policy"....that I wanted a partner who is also a best friend first. One that started with pure, genuine friendship. I really thank God for His favor because at a certain age, it is often really hard to find a best friend of the opposite sex due to time and also peers limitation....but God gave me an opportunity on this one....because He knew how hard it is for my heart to open if it weren't for friendship first. So, thank You, Daddy G!
But that is just that.... still nothing much happened. We just kept talking...and noticed that our conversations couldn't end. One topic often linked to another...sometimes we don't even know how we get to a certain topic. LOL. Friendship. I enjoyed that very much.
Until about near end of last year I sensed he may have started liking me. Well, according to him he didn't like me until January 2014....so well, again perhaps (just perhaps) God knew I needed more time and this day would come....so He prepared me earlier? Cos if you know me, I am actually quite a fearful person. I was really afraid that this would be another failed relationship again....and I don't want to waste time or even to go through the tough times of healing from heartbreak again, so I was very careful. I needed to fast, pray and get confirmation from God...LOL...hence, God must have noticed I needed more time to resolve and open up my heart. Thus, I guess feeling that he already liked me last year is a good thing as much as it might be a "perasan" thing....LOL..... Because I started asking God for 5 signs to see if I should consider him or if he is a distraction.
1. (first sign is a secret. Haha)
2. That he would tell me that he would live a life similar to the story of Acts 4:19 -- Bold in the cause of Christ
3. Spiritual authority would approve of this, with that it means he must have broke through and also won their confidence that he is a man of character in some ways
4. He would love God more than he loves me (if he likes me)
5. He would pursue and fight for me (especially purity) in the right way
In all honesty he hit first 3 signs quite fast. And I was panicking. Cos too easy I feel. HAHAHA. So I try to uplevel the signs. So one day as my leader was asking me about relationships and so forth, I told my leader I needed green light from God....which means the fulfilment of 5 signs. And when I told her I uplevel the sign because I felt it was too easy, and I believed if God really wants us to be together, the signs will be fulfilled....I was rebuked. HAHAHA!
Shirley asked me....so is the sign a guide, or is the sign God? Because signs are meant to just be a guide...we as human still make choices....We still have freewill. And what if he hit all four except one? Would I just take it as a shut door? Then her husband came to tell me...bible did mention that only evil generation asked for signs....like the Children of Israel in the wilderness....even asked for signs when there are pillar of clouds and fire with them. HAHA. But then again, it is not wrong to ask for signs, but it should never be taking the place of God. God is still God.
I also got rebuked by God. Asking me...why do I need upleveling. What am I trying to prove? What am I afraid of? In all honesty, I was afraid of another failed relationship? Do I like Kelvin already then? Hmm....I didn't even dare to allow myself to ponder on this question or open up my heart to feel, because I was just too afraid to be hurt.......so ok....repent a little....I took down the upleveling of signs and acknowledged he fulfilled 3....I was still very determined with the other 2 being fulfilled. Hahaha.....guess what
Then I entered 40 days fast n prayer. I prayed for the relationship and God's will to be done. It was suppose to be also a preparation for Kingdom Invasion Conference. During Kingdom Invasion, I was basically avoiding him and any kind of contact because I didn't want any distraction, and I was still seeking God asking if he is a distraction....so I just didn't want any kind of contact. One of the worship session as I was worshipping, his face appeared in my head...and I was quick to pinpoint...YES GOD YES...does that mean he is a distraction? If yes, I am cutting him off NOW!! ....LOL.....no answer. Silence from Daddy G.
Then, he hit the 4th sign which is the confirmation that he will love God more than me or anything. I had an issue which I disagreed with him...about someone and he was telling me about how division is bad etc....and I couldn't agree with him. In Kingdom Invasion, I was convicted by God on this matter...God reminded me of the person me and Kelvin were once discussing about....How I have been tearing that person down, and in the Kingdom of God, I am sowing division. I immediately repented...and I acknowledged, Kelvin must be confident and close enough to God to even rebutt me on this. Well at that point is already March, so he already liked me for about a month and more.....but he stood his ground. Not sure if it is ego (:P hehe)...but yea, I am quite sure he is very much in love with God and the entire conference allowed me to see more of that side of his. Which is great...I just needed to know that a guy would not compromise for me, and would not even be less in God because of me. I wanted someone who loved God more than anything else. Still in discovery till today....but back then, what I saw already gave me enough peace to seal sign number 4.
And...It was Kingdom Invasion....all of us were about Jesus, loving Him and being all out sold out for Him....Who would have imagined....on the last day of conference...Heidi Baker in her final session make a call for all singles...initially it was a call for those who wants to have babies....and she switched to, people who wants to have babies but are still single.....she told the singles to stand up to be prayed for. So a bunch of us did. She prophesied, out of the conference couples by example will come out of it, and she began breaking all fears. When she spoke of the fear of failed past relationship...I cried....I couldn't comprehend why, as my last relationship ended in 2010....turns out, I still have a lot of fear, afraid that I would not be able to survive another godly relationship. So I was so cautious.
And then God instantly spoke...that the reason why I hav been needing so many confirmations and held on to it so tightly, is purely because I am afraid he might be the wrong one again. I was looking for a "No" so much....to see him being proved wrong so much rather than trying to see him from the eyes of Jesus. Afraid to be vulnerable, to take risk, or even to open up my heart to allow myself to fall in love again. So God said....I have shown you he is not a distraction.....and I asked...."did you?"......God said: Did you feel distracted to a point you cannot worship when his face appear in your head? Were you not worshipping still and crying and sobbing like a baby??.....I nodded......And He continued...."Then you decide whether you will proceed. This life is yours...I have given you the freedom of choice...I will not rob that from you. Just look and see if he has fulfill the fundamentals, I will be in the midst, and I will help both of you grow....question is, would you take a risk to trust again?"
So I did....I took a risk. I decided to scrape sign number 5....and still go on (that is a lot of risk already ok....to let go of my security). So I stepped in by faith. Little did I know he was also fasting in his 40 days fast and prayer prayjng for the right time to pursue this relationship because he was also scared...he felt there's a call upon his life which requires him to sacrifice much and he did not know if I would be ok with that (he didn't know I asked for sign number 2...hahahaha)...and coming from a prestigious family, my family has high expectations on the children's spouses. He didn't have much to offer at this point as he is still studying.
Heidi Baker that night as she spoke into breaking the fears in my life, also broke the fear of finances n future. He took that as a confirmation from God.... a yes to start pursuing. I didn't know this, but he told me I walked back to my seat that night, and for the first time in the entire conference, I tapped him and spoke to him.... and he said he saw something different. Like a sparkle in my eye ...and he took that as a 2nd confirmation to pursue the relationship....So as he was pursuing me...even though I told God I am scraping all signs....God is still good to me. He favors me like that. Pampered. Haha. God still show me the last sign.. In the same words...Kelvin actually said to me: that he will fight for me...for my purity n for the call god has placed in my life.
I am overwhelemd bcos even when I say no further signs needed, God still fulfil the last one anyway.
Well, that's all for courtship. Part 1. Moving on to Part 2, how he asked me to be his girlfriend :))
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Lovesick, Sold-Out Lover
I really want to be a lovesick worshipper of God. A sold-out lover. That's all I want to be :)
I do not need anything else in life. I know when I am first a sold out lover, everything will fall into place. Including what compels me for His cause, the calling He has for me, the destiny He placed in my life...every single details will be taken care of when I just worship Him and Him alone...
I have been in a very different season this past few weeks. Things happened very quickly....Like there is a tunnel of fastforward or something that I have entered. So many things changed. And I am overwhelmed by His goodness and Him pampering me.....And in this moment of my life, I was challenged to build my fundamentals strong. In the Word of God, to be strengthen in the foundations that build me, and to take care of simple and the fundamental of things like house chores, health. Still getting there...but Daddy loves me so much to send so many people into my life who is assisting me and reminding me to take care of all these too.....Really, so so loved.
What did I do different? Nothing. I just loved Him and became crazy in love with Him.
And even when I am suppose to be worried for something, my heart just CANNOT get worried. There is always this permanent peace I am feeling. And it is so cool!!! Love my Daddy!!
I just had a break, and so this break I did many things. I went back hometown, helped out mom with some chores, go home to love my nephew who is in his terrible two (tough love). Haha. And many more.
But one highlight I experienced back in hometown was a worship session that I had alone in my room. It was in the morning, still in my pajamas and smelly breath, hahaha....I locked my room door, on a worship song and plug in an earphone (I cannot play it out loud, parents wouldn't really like it as they are not yet believers), and then I sang from my heart in muted voice...hahaha
And I told God....Daddy, I want to just be like a child to you....I want to come to You like Your little girl...and God said: Yea...then do what you would do as My little girl....and so I did...I began to dance with my Daddy on tip toe..hands reached up high....And at a point...I began twirling and twirling and twirling .....And then I began to sob and weep.....His love was so overwhelming...as though He is telling me....I love it when you do that....I love you so much my little girl...Daddy wants to hold you.....
And I was just crying and crying and crying.
Then it came to choir camp....I just felt so compelled to share about the Heart of the Father. I told the small little number of choir members how God pursues their hearts since the very beginning....and to challenge them to pursue His heart....so we went into an amazing soaking session of worship. So many miracles happened. Healing, joy of laughter, tears, word of knowledge, word of encouragement, revelation....God just showed up! Again He said this....I love it when my children come just to love me. Come as they are. No need to strive :)
And I went to cell group preaching the same message. And then went into a time of worship.....again everyone was compelled by His love....
And what really touched my heart is that, people finally understood.....and they began to carry that heart to love...and began to go love other people as well. They began to understand what being Daddy's child mean. I have a choir member who began to pray for healing for people. And healing happened. He began understanding the authority he can command. Another cell group member who began to talk to Daddy like His little girl....she said she was just telling God how good if there's some rain in this very hot day...and the weather just turned suddenly....rain happened...and she felt so pampered by God.
I am just so happy. I don't need people to thank me for a good message. I really don't. I just want them to know how much Daddy loves them....I really really want the world to know.
So if you are reading this...can I tell you, Daddy has been pursuing your heart even when you didn't know Him, even when you hated Him, even when you don't feel fit, even when you are far off.....even when you are a prodigal son, even when you have done a lot of bad things.....He has been pursuing you. And he isn't gonna judge you. He is gonna love you and shower you with His overwhelming love....
Would you pursue His too? Be His silly son or daughter before Him? Be lovesick for Him?
You are sons and daughters of the MOST HIGH KING. That is a lot of pampering. Heaven's pampering you will be receiving! And that is a lot of authority you can command. Heaven's authority.
I wish you see what I see. Because when you see that.....you experience TRUE FREEDOM :)
Just worshipped yesterday, and I thank Daddy for all that He has given me. Because He took care of everything. EVERYTHING. Every single thing. My family, my finances, my future....all was truly crafted in His perfect plan. I have never seen so much so much so much of His fingerprints and footprints in so many events of my life.....but these days, I have been overwhelmed by the overflowing markings of God.
I am really pampered. I am really loved.
Wouldn't you want to see that too? Go be crazy in love :))
He is crazily in love with you ~
I do not need anything else in life. I know when I am first a sold out lover, everything will fall into place. Including what compels me for His cause, the calling He has for me, the destiny He placed in my life...every single details will be taken care of when I just worship Him and Him alone...
I have been in a very different season this past few weeks. Things happened very quickly....Like there is a tunnel of fastforward or something that I have entered. So many things changed. And I am overwhelmed by His goodness and Him pampering me.....And in this moment of my life, I was challenged to build my fundamentals strong. In the Word of God, to be strengthen in the foundations that build me, and to take care of simple and the fundamental of things like house chores, health. Still getting there...but Daddy loves me so much to send so many people into my life who is assisting me and reminding me to take care of all these too.....Really, so so loved.
What did I do different? Nothing. I just loved Him and became crazy in love with Him.
And even when I am suppose to be worried for something, my heart just CANNOT get worried. There is always this permanent peace I am feeling. And it is so cool!!! Love my Daddy!!
I just had a break, and so this break I did many things. I went back hometown, helped out mom with some chores, go home to love my nephew who is in his terrible two (tough love). Haha. And many more.
But one highlight I experienced back in hometown was a worship session that I had alone in my room. It was in the morning, still in my pajamas and smelly breath, hahaha....I locked my room door, on a worship song and plug in an earphone (I cannot play it out loud, parents wouldn't really like it as they are not yet believers), and then I sang from my heart in muted voice...hahaha
And I told God....Daddy, I want to just be like a child to you....I want to come to You like Your little girl...and God said: Yea...then do what you would do as My little girl....and so I did...I began to dance with my Daddy on tip toe..hands reached up high....And at a point...I began twirling and twirling and twirling .....And then I began to sob and weep.....His love was so overwhelming...as though He is telling me....I love it when you do that....I love you so much my little girl...Daddy wants to hold you.....
And I was just crying and crying and crying.
Then it came to choir camp....I just felt so compelled to share about the Heart of the Father. I told the small little number of choir members how God pursues their hearts since the very beginning....and to challenge them to pursue His heart....so we went into an amazing soaking session of worship. So many miracles happened. Healing, joy of laughter, tears, word of knowledge, word of encouragement, revelation....God just showed up! Again He said this....I love it when my children come just to love me. Come as they are. No need to strive :)
And I went to cell group preaching the same message. And then went into a time of worship.....again everyone was compelled by His love....
And what really touched my heart is that, people finally understood.....and they began to carry that heart to love...and began to go love other people as well. They began to understand what being Daddy's child mean. I have a choir member who began to pray for healing for people. And healing happened. He began understanding the authority he can command. Another cell group member who began to talk to Daddy like His little girl....she said she was just telling God how good if there's some rain in this very hot day...and the weather just turned suddenly....rain happened...and she felt so pampered by God.
I am just so happy. I don't need people to thank me for a good message. I really don't. I just want them to know how much Daddy loves them....I really really want the world to know.
So if you are reading this...can I tell you, Daddy has been pursuing your heart even when you didn't know Him, even when you hated Him, even when you don't feel fit, even when you are far off.....even when you are a prodigal son, even when you have done a lot of bad things.....He has been pursuing you. And he isn't gonna judge you. He is gonna love you and shower you with His overwhelming love....
Would you pursue His too? Be His silly son or daughter before Him? Be lovesick for Him?
You are sons and daughters of the MOST HIGH KING. That is a lot of pampering. Heaven's pampering you will be receiving! And that is a lot of authority you can command. Heaven's authority.
I wish you see what I see. Because when you see that.....you experience TRUE FREEDOM :)
Just worshipped yesterday, and I thank Daddy for all that He has given me. Because He took care of everything. EVERYTHING. Every single thing. My family, my finances, my future....all was truly crafted in His perfect plan. I have never seen so much so much so much of His fingerprints and footprints in so many events of my life.....but these days, I have been overwhelmed by the overflowing markings of God.
I am really pampered. I am really loved.
Wouldn't you want to see that too? Go be crazy in love :))
He is crazily in love with you ~
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Breakfast with Esther
Slept so late last night...thought I would probably zoned out while having breakfast with Esther.
Esther is a girl whom Phoebe introduced to me. One of her best friends. When I picked her from her office...that one ride to Jesus Culture concert...we felt immediately clicked in the spirit. This is what I described as divine connection.
So we scheduled for a breakfast after my semester (by now I should be done with assignments but I haven't...so was in quite a lot of worries).
But really, divine connection is always beautiful. I never regretted this breakfast. In fact, God spoke to me during breakfast. It was so awesome...we ended our breakfast time with a very high note...
sharing a lot of things, about lives, how we go through relationships, how God brought the man of God into her life etc....
Her life story was rather similar to mine....
So yesterday I was going through the whole ordeal of struggles of ups and downs....in the hype of miracles, at the same time seems like a lot of ugly things were about to be let out from the can of worms...
Then Esther shared....she was in the exact same season.
And she said this....that God is dealing with her character and her fundamentals. Even put a man of God (her current boyfriend) to help her build this fundamentals. Because of one reason only....
He wants us to be unshaken. By the wind and the waves beneath our feet.
We are heirs, but an underage heir will still be ruled under the reign of the world. But an heir who is of age will know his position. An heir with FAITH will take on everything that is in future, the promise, and draw it to ourselves.
Galatians 4: 2-7
We are to build our fundamentals strong. And it hit me when she said that. A lot of time we are engross with the big call and so forth...and we want to go there....but then God is pushing me to the corner now...saying...Hazel..deal with these fundamentals...deal with these fears....read your bible, pray, seek me, grow grow grow.....your fundamentals and characters are what will sustain you in the long run...in the call I have for you...
1 Peter 1:3-7
So what is God doing in my life now? In the midst of all these victories and freedoms, and in the midst of these struggles....I began to realize, I need so much more of God...I need that ROOT...I need to face and see all my weaknesses and began to build my fundamentals.
Thank you, Esther. Your sharing is such a blessing to me.
Thank You, Daddy...for divine connections. I am building on it. It is gonna be tough....but I want to build my faith to a point that it is unshakable.
All for You, Daddy....All or nothing....ALL for You....
Esther is a girl whom Phoebe introduced to me. One of her best friends. When I picked her from her office...that one ride to Jesus Culture concert...we felt immediately clicked in the spirit. This is what I described as divine connection.
So we scheduled for a breakfast after my semester (by now I should be done with assignments but I haven't...so was in quite a lot of worries).
But really, divine connection is always beautiful. I never regretted this breakfast. In fact, God spoke to me during breakfast. It was so awesome...we ended our breakfast time with a very high note...
sharing a lot of things, about lives, how we go through relationships, how God brought the man of God into her life etc....
Her life story was rather similar to mine....
So yesterday I was going through the whole ordeal of struggles of ups and downs....in the hype of miracles, at the same time seems like a lot of ugly things were about to be let out from the can of worms...
Then Esther shared....she was in the exact same season.
And she said this....that God is dealing with her character and her fundamentals. Even put a man of God (her current boyfriend) to help her build this fundamentals. Because of one reason only....
He wants us to be unshaken. By the wind and the waves beneath our feet.
We are heirs, but an underage heir will still be ruled under the reign of the world. But an heir who is of age will know his position. An heir with FAITH will take on everything that is in future, the promise, and draw it to ourselves.
Galatians 4: 2-7
We are to build our fundamentals strong. And it hit me when she said that. A lot of time we are engross with the big call and so forth...and we want to go there....but then God is pushing me to the corner now...saying...Hazel..deal with these fundamentals...deal with these fears....read your bible, pray, seek me, grow grow grow.....your fundamentals and characters are what will sustain you in the long run...in the call I have for you...
1 Peter 1:3-7
So what is God doing in my life now? In the midst of all these victories and freedoms, and in the midst of these struggles....I began to realize, I need so much more of God...I need that ROOT...I need to face and see all my weaknesses and began to build my fundamentals.
Thank you, Esther. Your sharing is such a blessing to me.
Thank You, Daddy...for divine connections. I am building on it. It is gonna be tough....but I want to build my faith to a point that it is unshakable.
All for You, Daddy....All or nothing....ALL for You....
Struggle in the midst of Freedom
Things have been very different in my life lately. I have had a lot of encounters with God, a lot of divine moments, miracles so on and so forth....Life was pretty amazing.
But it was also these times, that I find myself having my identity being questioned from within again and again. Have been sharing this with Charis Lian and Phoebe...
Well...both of them said the same thing. "Somebody" is obviously not happy with my progress and is trying to bring in much doubts and etc.
I understand the concept really. But yea, this is not a "new" scenario. They are "old friends" or rather...the "old enemies" who has been silent for quite awhile now. Now coming back...the one that question my self-esteem and self worth....the battle that could possibly be my personal lifelong battle.....I recognized them attempting to take over my mind and ears again.
This season, I find many things causing me to rethink and rethink...of the decision I have made. So I have decided to be different in the pursuit of the heart of my Father. That invite some different opinions which is quite common, or so it seems to me? Nobody said it in my face really.
Nonetheless, my identity-questioning cycle begun. And I have the ups and downs of feeling good and bad etc.....And made decisions, said things that I regret....trying to justify my feelings that it is ok...it is all an "attack"....Justification after justification of trying to make myself feel better. I actually consciously watch how I was affected by many little circumstances, comments, decisions...
So I came to an end of myself today. I prayed....and I said....God....take away this feeling please! I don't want to question, I don't want to doubt, I don't want to have this struggle. I know what I want....and I don't want to exchange that for anything, but why do I still have such struggles?
I asked God....why Daddy....
I have been so in love with You. And now, why all these identity questioning voices that is making me frustrated
and I have been trying so hard to make myself feel better and I said stuff and even justify with ways that I am not even proud of.
What happened? I just want to be madly deeply in love with You.
Silence....
Then a still small voice came: perfect love cast out all fears....
Perfect LOVE cast out all fears
In the midst of me taking risk, as I make decisions to be undignified before God, as small subtle reactions brought back the common fear that I have been battling my lifetime...
Fear of opinion of men, which I have always allowed to define my identity for the past 20 over years.
As I became clearer this season how these voices are not from God, I recognize the target of the enemy was my identity.....I wrestled with this feelings...and tried so many ways to make myself feel better...ways that possibly cause detrimental effects....because I was trying so hard
What was missing....I did not involve God in my battle.
As I just prayed...and allowed the silence to grow louder....I can almost feel His embrace, and Him saying...."child, my yolk is easy and my burden is light....you don't even need to wrestle. You just need to rest in me. Let me take over. Perfect love comes...fear will leave"
I want to live abandoned, Daddy. I really want it. I really want it. I know it is gonna cause a lot of turmoil of struggles as I draw closer with You.....But I really want to live abandoned. And I don't want to exchange this for anything at all.....
I cried so so much as I listened to this worship song.
Freedom in my Spirit. Freedom in His love......All or nothing....Deep deep deep....
Today I learned that victory and freedom doesn't come without a price. Almost always victory and freedom couple with a struggle from within. And that is when we are tested in our dependency. If you even take credit or glory for anything, you will take responsibility to fight the struggle
But when you don't take any glory for yourself...you will understand nothing belongs to you and the fight belongs to God. Just live abandoned and surrender...to just be filled and let Him take that fear away. No formula. No struggle.
Test my faith, my trust, my dependency.....Help me in my unbelief. Refine me with fire....Lord, let me live abandoned for You. All or nothing.
More Lord...More.....only You....
But it was also these times, that I find myself having my identity being questioned from within again and again. Have been sharing this with Charis Lian and Phoebe...
Well...both of them said the same thing. "Somebody" is obviously not happy with my progress and is trying to bring in much doubts and etc.
I understand the concept really. But yea, this is not a "new" scenario. They are "old friends" or rather...the "old enemies" who has been silent for quite awhile now. Now coming back...the one that question my self-esteem and self worth....the battle that could possibly be my personal lifelong battle.....I recognized them attempting to take over my mind and ears again.
This season, I find many things causing me to rethink and rethink...of the decision I have made. So I have decided to be different in the pursuit of the heart of my Father. That invite some different opinions which is quite common, or so it seems to me? Nobody said it in my face really.
Nonetheless, my identity-questioning cycle begun. And I have the ups and downs of feeling good and bad etc.....And made decisions, said things that I regret....trying to justify my feelings that it is ok...it is all an "attack"....Justification after justification of trying to make myself feel better. I actually consciously watch how I was affected by many little circumstances, comments, decisions...
So I came to an end of myself today. I prayed....and I said....God....take away this feeling please! I don't want to question, I don't want to doubt, I don't want to have this struggle. I know what I want....and I don't want to exchange that for anything, but why do I still have such struggles?
I asked God....why Daddy....
I have been so in love with You. And now, why all these identity questioning voices that is making me frustrated
and I have been trying so hard to make myself feel better and I said stuff and even justify with ways that I am not even proud of.
What happened? I just want to be madly deeply in love with You.
Silence....
Then a still small voice came: perfect love cast out all fears....
Perfect LOVE cast out all fears
In the midst of me taking risk, as I make decisions to be undignified before God, as small subtle reactions brought back the common fear that I have been battling my lifetime...
Fear of opinion of men, which I have always allowed to define my identity for the past 20 over years.
As I became clearer this season how these voices are not from God, I recognize the target of the enemy was my identity.....I wrestled with this feelings...and tried so many ways to make myself feel better...ways that possibly cause detrimental effects....because I was trying so hard
What was missing....I did not involve God in my battle.
As I just prayed...and allowed the silence to grow louder....I can almost feel His embrace, and Him saying...."child, my yolk is easy and my burden is light....you don't even need to wrestle. You just need to rest in me. Let me take over. Perfect love comes...fear will leave"
I want to live abandoned, Daddy. I really want it. I really want it. I know it is gonna cause a lot of turmoil of struggles as I draw closer with You.....But I really want to live abandoned. And I don't want to exchange this for anything at all.....
I cried so so much as I listened to this worship song.
Freedom in my Spirit. Freedom in His love......All or nothing....Deep deep deep....
Today I learned that victory and freedom doesn't come without a price. Almost always victory and freedom couple with a struggle from within. And that is when we are tested in our dependency. If you even take credit or glory for anything, you will take responsibility to fight the struggle
But when you don't take any glory for yourself...you will understand nothing belongs to you and the fight belongs to God. Just live abandoned and surrender...to just be filled and let Him take that fear away. No formula. No struggle.
Test my faith, my trust, my dependency.....Help me in my unbelief. Refine me with fire....Lord, let me live abandoned for You. All or nothing.
More Lord...More.....only You....
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
What's your response?
Many are called but few are chosen.
We are all called. But how do we become the chosen? It lies in our response to the call of God.
Today, I want to mark this in my calendar as a significant date.
Today, I want to remember the promises I've made
Today, I want to remember the promises I've made
Today, I want to remember the times when I felt so sold out.
Today, I want to remember the times I want to give it all to You in exchange of all of You
Today, I want to just have YOU. and that's all I want.. YOU....alone.
Today, I want to remember the times I want to give it all to You in exchange of all of You
Today, I want to just have YOU. and that's all I want.. YOU....alone.
Today, I dedicate this post to You, Daddy.
My answer is YES
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!
YYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YES!!!
YES!!!
YES!!!
Come consume me.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Kingdom Invasion 2014 - A major turning point
It has been a miraculous month discovering God's love again and again.
Many knew I went to Kingdom Invasion by miracle. And before that I was rushing my assignments like mad....trying to finish up major assignment so that I can enjoy the conference. But the fact is, I cannot. There is just too much to be done. And I was thinking maybe I need to complete the assignments every night in Kingdom Invasion.
So I skipped class the day I was suppose to fly, just to complete assignment.
Miracle happened, again....
My major assignment got delayed to one week later. And another major assignment that is to be due the same week, delay a week as well. And graded exercise in class was also delayed to two weeks later.
It was really awesome. Miracle happened even before I was there....And I heard God telling me: Just enjoy the conference. Don't need to rush your assignments. I want you to encounter me.
And even before the conference started, I had the privilege to join DASH to a seminar by Jim Yost, someone who changed Papua by just obeying God, and impacting one life at a time. Its about discipling others to disciple and no need recognition of the founder. As organic as can be. And it impacted me because I begin to realize how God can move in daily routines.....and how God has been good to him healing him from death...again and again
So I was prepared.
So I went there with so much expectations knowing that God must have something really important to show me to make all these miracles happened even before I arrived.
So I went there....first session itself, I felt so much of the presence of God. I learned to be undignified in the presence of God....kneeling, sobbing, crying....
One thing amazing about these speakers, they do not have powerful words that tickle your ears....but EVERY ONE OF THEM carried such a strong presence of God. It amazes me how each of them are doing so many great works in the Kingdom...but yet when they come before God, they are all as a child....really worshipping Him, soak in His love...and because of that, they brought us into the presence of God again and again and again.
Deliverance and healing happened as worship session, preaching was going on. It was so awesome. And I have never sobbed so much in my life, feeling the love of God outpouring over me for such a long time. So much like a damp broke open...and I cannot contain.....
And these speakers are so so humble. Every one of them sat in every session even though it is not theirs. And when they go onstage they will edify one another. How they want to be like one another. Such appreciation for the divine connection. And the hunger of not wanting to miss out what God is doing. So they sat in sensing God's move in every other session....and I even saw Heidi Baker sat on the floor worshipping God with the crowd....just being so undignified. Such humility.....How they honor their divine connections....I want to be like that. Fact is we are NOBODY deserving of better honor but just vessels of God. We ought to live a life that honor every single person around us so we would not miss out on the miracles that God may use them to manifest in our lives. Bill Johnson said that. Amen!
Bill Johnson, the Shakespeare of our time spoke many one liners (honestly I cannot catch up with writing notes), as he expound so perfectly articulated ideas of what God has been impressing in some of our hearts, but yet we cannot verbalize it. How change of nations come from the grassroot, how we impact culture by impact that one person who is at the top down....but revolution almost always come from the grassroot. It makes revival and revolution possible for everyone.
And how we can grab what God has in store and promise in the future for us....to present....if we are aware of the promise, we can make that promise come to pass NOW. If God doesn't want us to ask for it, He would have blinded our eyes to it. This just opened up an entire dimension of impossibilities to me....And I began to cry out to God for our nation.
I learned about how in the Kingdom every division and walls must come down. And to bring the Kingdom of God here, to bring down heaven to earth, all we need to do is fall deeper and deeper and deeper in love with God. The more you know the Father, the more you want to do what's the Father's will....what's in His heart.
You can't help but to be consumedddddd......and when you are consumed.....you are not afraid to sacrifice and pay the price for your call. I was praying and praying and crying....because God just came. and God spoke. No fancy altar calls....God just came...and God spoke to everyone individually.
Final day of the conference marked a very important moment of my life. James Goll was preaching. He is also another man...whom go crazy before God. Halfway preaching he can go singing led by the Holy Spirit, even when his stories are half hanging. Haha. His wife said he has a ministry of insanity because people feel sane standing beside him :P....but honestly each time he sings, the presence of God just dropped in. Like BOOM!!
And halfway preaching as usual....without any link or expectation, he suddenly said this:
There are people here who are called to combat sex trafficking in your nation. If you feel that is the call of God for you...stand up now.
So I stood up. And he began praying for greater authority over darkness...and for the first time ever since I was saved.....I sob and wept and shook like crazy!! I cannot control my hands or my legs....I was overpowered and overwhelmed....
And then he continued......
There is a kingpin in the nation of Malaysia....he is coming to Christ.....stay alert...
As I heard that I wept even more and shook even more. Out of 35 nations....Malaysia was mentioned. And I told God....God...this is too huge...too big....too impossible. I cannot help but to only walk when You tell me to. I cannot but to obey. I need YOU!!!
So I cried...and I spent more time with God. That was when God spoke so much to me. He reminded me of how I should love brothers and sisters in Christ. To bring His Kingdom, I must first deal with my heart to love those who are different in values and not judge. In His Kingdom there is no division (this was what He impressed in my heart and got confirmed over and over again since the first day of conference).
Then God reminded me to go deeper with Him. Because if I don't go deeper, I will never step out to bring miracles down. So I need to fall in love with Him, be consumed.
I told God, if it takes being consumed to be changed and be willing to pay the price....please let me come into a position where I would be consumed every single day....I don't want to miss out or lose out Your move...And I don't want to lose the love while I minister.
Heidi Baker is another amazing woman....she is so in love with God. When God speaks...she didn't even contend or doubt. She just said OK.
And I told God....I want that kind of relationship and trust with You. Final session with Heidi Baker I received the joy of the spirit and cannot stop laughing. All because Miss Phoebe who had it first touched me twice! Hahaha. But its so awesome!!! Like something stirring in the tummy hahahahaa
I just watched compelled by love - Heidi Baker's story two days ago. I wept and wept. Sob and sob....The price to pay is huge...I thought to myself. And I have many things that held me back. Greatest struggle was my family. They are not christian and will never understand why I need to give so much love knowing that the world may take it for granted and trampled it on the ground?
They love me I know...and I know in honoring my parents, I am not suppose to make them worried. But then again, this is my call. And I want to be where my Father wants me to be. So I cried and cried....because I really want that.....that childlike love relationship with God like Heidi Baker. To an extent I will pay any price. But yet, what about my family?
So two days ago, Emily, the prophetess texted me. And she said she had a drawing for me. Summary of the drawing, is about God reminding me He will take care of my family as I become a sold out lover for him. And the name of the drawing is: Sold Out Lover....
What are the odds????? I was just praying about falling in love and being sold out the day before. And I was worried about my family who has not known God or understand my values....and that piece of art came as a reminder to me....
Thank You, Jesus. Yes....I am saying Yes....
Yes yes yes yes yes....to whatever You want me to do.
YESSS!!!!
And so, I noticed many of these amazing people faced death threats and even death itself (sicknesses) time after time again. Yet there are still sold out. Will I be bold enough to be where they are at? I don't know honestly....but I want to be able to come to the point that I can....be at the face of death, yet so sure that my God will take care of everything. That much trust and faith..I need to go deeper....
Oh.....and recently, most of us who have been in Kingdom Invasion stepped out in church...to be undignified worshippers of God, and to also learn to pray for healing because we believe God wants to love people. This is not about proving anything for God, but just about loving people. Atmosphere change. And so many people got healed. I felt so overcome and overwhelmed by Daddy..
Daddy, You are awesome, You know that?
And many more answers I received...things I have been fasting and praying for (in my 40 days Fast and Prayer)......SO MANY things answered. Will reveal in due time.
It has been an awesome spiritual week. Even as I was doing assignment I kept praying. I hope my assignments will unveil His glory. I don't know how, but I believe He can do things I cannot do. So yay!!
Also Jim Yost and these KI preachers made me realize, it is possible to serve God, sold out for Him...yet your family as they pay the price...will also be sold out for Jesus as well. I used to be worried that I need to let go of many things in the call when I have kids...and I don't know what's the balance of it. Watching these examples give me a lot of comfort and peace. I guess, God will guide...and He will never shortchange us when we give our best to love Him...I am really comforted by that ^^
Kingdom Invasion marked another huge turning point for me as a Christian. I want to rewind go back and again and again encountered God. But then again, I can do it here. I want to go kiddish and cray cray with my Daddy!!
That's all! COMPELLED and CONSUMED. Forever and ever and ever. Amen.
Let Your Kingdom come...Your will be done...ON EARTH as it is in heaven....
Many knew I went to Kingdom Invasion by miracle. And before that I was rushing my assignments like mad....trying to finish up major assignment so that I can enjoy the conference. But the fact is, I cannot. There is just too much to be done. And I was thinking maybe I need to complete the assignments every night in Kingdom Invasion.
So I skipped class the day I was suppose to fly, just to complete assignment.
Miracle happened, again....
My major assignment got delayed to one week later. And another major assignment that is to be due the same week, delay a week as well. And graded exercise in class was also delayed to two weeks later.
It was really awesome. Miracle happened even before I was there....And I heard God telling me: Just enjoy the conference. Don't need to rush your assignments. I want you to encounter me.
And even before the conference started, I had the privilege to join DASH to a seminar by Jim Yost, someone who changed Papua by just obeying God, and impacting one life at a time. Its about discipling others to disciple and no need recognition of the founder. As organic as can be. And it impacted me because I begin to realize how God can move in daily routines.....and how God has been good to him healing him from death...again and again
So I was prepared.
So I went there with so much expectations knowing that God must have something really important to show me to make all these miracles happened even before I arrived.
So I went there....first session itself, I felt so much of the presence of God. I learned to be undignified in the presence of God....kneeling, sobbing, crying....
One thing amazing about these speakers, they do not have powerful words that tickle your ears....but EVERY ONE OF THEM carried such a strong presence of God. It amazes me how each of them are doing so many great works in the Kingdom...but yet when they come before God, they are all as a child....really worshipping Him, soak in His love...and because of that, they brought us into the presence of God again and again and again.
Deliverance and healing happened as worship session, preaching was going on. It was so awesome. And I have never sobbed so much in my life, feeling the love of God outpouring over me for such a long time. So much like a damp broke open...and I cannot contain.....
And these speakers are so so humble. Every one of them sat in every session even though it is not theirs. And when they go onstage they will edify one another. How they want to be like one another. Such appreciation for the divine connection. And the hunger of not wanting to miss out what God is doing. So they sat in sensing God's move in every other session....and I even saw Heidi Baker sat on the floor worshipping God with the crowd....just being so undignified. Such humility.....How they honor their divine connections....I want to be like that. Fact is we are NOBODY deserving of better honor but just vessels of God. We ought to live a life that honor every single person around us so we would not miss out on the miracles that God may use them to manifest in our lives. Bill Johnson said that. Amen!
Bill Johnson, the Shakespeare of our time spoke many one liners (honestly I cannot catch up with writing notes), as he expound so perfectly articulated ideas of what God has been impressing in some of our hearts, but yet we cannot verbalize it. How change of nations come from the grassroot, how we impact culture by impact that one person who is at the top down....but revolution almost always come from the grassroot. It makes revival and revolution possible for everyone.
And how we can grab what God has in store and promise in the future for us....to present....if we are aware of the promise, we can make that promise come to pass NOW. If God doesn't want us to ask for it, He would have blinded our eyes to it. This just opened up an entire dimension of impossibilities to me....And I began to cry out to God for our nation.
I learned about how in the Kingdom every division and walls must come down. And to bring the Kingdom of God here, to bring down heaven to earth, all we need to do is fall deeper and deeper and deeper in love with God. The more you know the Father, the more you want to do what's the Father's will....what's in His heart.
You can't help but to be consumedddddd......and when you are consumed.....you are not afraid to sacrifice and pay the price for your call. I was praying and praying and crying....because God just came. and God spoke. No fancy altar calls....God just came...and God spoke to everyone individually.
Final day of the conference marked a very important moment of my life. James Goll was preaching. He is also another man...whom go crazy before God. Halfway preaching he can go singing led by the Holy Spirit, even when his stories are half hanging. Haha. His wife said he has a ministry of insanity because people feel sane standing beside him :P....but honestly each time he sings, the presence of God just dropped in. Like BOOM!!
And halfway preaching as usual....without any link or expectation, he suddenly said this:
There are people here who are called to combat sex trafficking in your nation. If you feel that is the call of God for you...stand up now.
So I stood up. And he began praying for greater authority over darkness...and for the first time ever since I was saved.....I sob and wept and shook like crazy!! I cannot control my hands or my legs....I was overpowered and overwhelmed....
And then he continued......
There is a kingpin in the nation of Malaysia....he is coming to Christ.....stay alert...
As I heard that I wept even more and shook even more. Out of 35 nations....Malaysia was mentioned. And I told God....God...this is too huge...too big....too impossible. I cannot help but to only walk when You tell me to. I cannot but to obey. I need YOU!!!
So I cried...and I spent more time with God. That was when God spoke so much to me. He reminded me of how I should love brothers and sisters in Christ. To bring His Kingdom, I must first deal with my heart to love those who are different in values and not judge. In His Kingdom there is no division (this was what He impressed in my heart and got confirmed over and over again since the first day of conference).
Then God reminded me to go deeper with Him. Because if I don't go deeper, I will never step out to bring miracles down. So I need to fall in love with Him, be consumed.
I told God, if it takes being consumed to be changed and be willing to pay the price....please let me come into a position where I would be consumed every single day....I don't want to miss out or lose out Your move...And I don't want to lose the love while I minister.
Heidi Baker is another amazing woman....she is so in love with God. When God speaks...she didn't even contend or doubt. She just said OK.
And I told God....I want that kind of relationship and trust with You. Final session with Heidi Baker I received the joy of the spirit and cannot stop laughing. All because Miss Phoebe who had it first touched me twice! Hahaha. But its so awesome!!! Like something stirring in the tummy hahahahaa
I just watched compelled by love - Heidi Baker's story two days ago. I wept and wept. Sob and sob....The price to pay is huge...I thought to myself. And I have many things that held me back. Greatest struggle was my family. They are not christian and will never understand why I need to give so much love knowing that the world may take it for granted and trampled it on the ground?
They love me I know...and I know in honoring my parents, I am not suppose to make them worried. But then again, this is my call. And I want to be where my Father wants me to be. So I cried and cried....because I really want that.....that childlike love relationship with God like Heidi Baker. To an extent I will pay any price. But yet, what about my family?
So two days ago, Emily, the prophetess texted me. And she said she had a drawing for me. Summary of the drawing, is about God reminding me He will take care of my family as I become a sold out lover for him. And the name of the drawing is: Sold Out Lover....
What are the odds????? I was just praying about falling in love and being sold out the day before. And I was worried about my family who has not known God or understand my values....and that piece of art came as a reminder to me....
Thank You, Jesus. Yes....I am saying Yes....
Yes yes yes yes yes....to whatever You want me to do.
YESSS!!!!
And so, I noticed many of these amazing people faced death threats and even death itself (sicknesses) time after time again. Yet there are still sold out. Will I be bold enough to be where they are at? I don't know honestly....but I want to be able to come to the point that I can....be at the face of death, yet so sure that my God will take care of everything. That much trust and faith..I need to go deeper....
Oh.....and recently, most of us who have been in Kingdom Invasion stepped out in church...to be undignified worshippers of God, and to also learn to pray for healing because we believe God wants to love people. This is not about proving anything for God, but just about loving people. Atmosphere change. And so many people got healed. I felt so overcome and overwhelmed by Daddy..
Daddy, You are awesome, You know that?
And many more answers I received...things I have been fasting and praying for (in my 40 days Fast and Prayer)......SO MANY things answered. Will reveal in due time.
It has been an awesome spiritual week. Even as I was doing assignment I kept praying. I hope my assignments will unveil His glory. I don't know how, but I believe He can do things I cannot do. So yay!!
Also Jim Yost and these KI preachers made me realize, it is possible to serve God, sold out for Him...yet your family as they pay the price...will also be sold out for Jesus as well. I used to be worried that I need to let go of many things in the call when I have kids...and I don't know what's the balance of it. Watching these examples give me a lot of comfort and peace. I guess, God will guide...and He will never shortchange us when we give our best to love Him...I am really comforted by that ^^
Kingdom Invasion marked another huge turning point for me as a Christian. I want to rewind go back and again and again encountered God. But then again, I can do it here. I want to go kiddish and cray cray with my Daddy!!
That's all! COMPELLED and CONSUMED. Forever and ever and ever. Amen.
Let Your Kingdom come...Your will be done...ON EARTH as it is in heaven....
Friday, February 28, 2014
Random Rants of Psychology
Officially the most hectic week of my life. A lot of major assignments due this coming week.
But on the contrary, I am thankful that God showed me many things this week. Showed me that the coming days are gonna be exciting, shown me that there are things forming even in church...and that things are all within His hands, everything in control.....and that nobody needs to give up anything.
Good things come to those who waits.
I am also thankful that this week, my lecturer spoke about how as therapists, eventually we will not be satisfied with just individual therapies. Because we begin to realize that the bigger picture affect the individual. Hence the involvement in family therapy, eventually community, and eventually nations.
I am blown away that clinical psychology can actually go to the extent of nations. I mean I know that psychologists are needed for nation work, but never occur to me clinical psychologist. Because dealing with trafficked victims, relief work, forensics, even conflict management between nations...all comes under the umbrella of clinical psychology.
So suddenly the puzzle is pieced together. I answered to God's question...to what extent you want to love....and not realizing how vast this field can be. Attaining this knowledge is just the first step. From there forward, there are many ways I could go. But I am going to cling close to Jesus. Wherever He leads, wherever His will is....there is the best place to be.
Like this clinical psychology....honestly I am dreading and dragging my feet now...having difficulties finishing my assignments and finding researches. Yet at the same time, it feels complete even in the midst of all these worries....because I know I am in His will...
And precisely because of that....I should never give up.
Ok, enough of time dragging and sulking. Haha! Time to go back to work....
For His Kingdom.
Galatians 2:20....remember, Hazel.
But on the contrary, I am thankful that God showed me many things this week. Showed me that the coming days are gonna be exciting, shown me that there are things forming even in church...and that things are all within His hands, everything in control.....and that nobody needs to give up anything.
Good things come to those who waits.
I am also thankful that this week, my lecturer spoke about how as therapists, eventually we will not be satisfied with just individual therapies. Because we begin to realize that the bigger picture affect the individual. Hence the involvement in family therapy, eventually community, and eventually nations.
I am blown away that clinical psychology can actually go to the extent of nations. I mean I know that psychologists are needed for nation work, but never occur to me clinical psychologist. Because dealing with trafficked victims, relief work, forensics, even conflict management between nations...all comes under the umbrella of clinical psychology.
So suddenly the puzzle is pieced together. I answered to God's question...to what extent you want to love....and not realizing how vast this field can be. Attaining this knowledge is just the first step. From there forward, there are many ways I could go. But I am going to cling close to Jesus. Wherever He leads, wherever His will is....there is the best place to be.
Like this clinical psychology....honestly I am dreading and dragging my feet now...having difficulties finishing my assignments and finding researches. Yet at the same time, it feels complete even in the midst of all these worries....because I know I am in His will...
And precisely because of that....I should never give up.
Ok, enough of time dragging and sulking. Haha! Time to go back to work....
For His Kingdom.
Galatians 2:20....remember, Hazel.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Happy Valentine's Day, Hazel! ^^
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...*takes deep breath* ....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Hahaha....! What an undignified way to start a blog.....NONETHELESS!
Let me tell you what's with all ze screamingzz......oh boy oh boy oh boy, I have been skipping around (inside my little mind of course...can't possibly do that in public) since last night. Because, I really cannot contain these miracles that God has placed in my life....like.....oh Lord, You to love me so extravagantly....REALLY!! You surely know how to spoil a girl, aye? *grins*
So, why am I here going all bonkers writing this blog when my assignments (final presentation for one of the class to be exact) is due in like 2 days? Cos I really cannot contain. Haha! Write first, regret later.
No, I am not engaged. Neither am I attached. But....I am drenched with the love of my LOVER
So recently Shirley and David has been eyeing on this conference called....Kingdom Invasion. Boy, I was dying to go. But you know....students now....classes, assignments etc...what are the odds I can join right? But I am dying to go....so how?
Miracle #1
I went and check the dates....
Man...I checked 5 times, because I cannot believe my eyes. That week....JUST THAT WEEK.....no assignment due (except the weekly one), and no classes Wednesday onwards. Wah.....ok...
So, then I began declaring to everyone I am going to Singapore, but only for night session. Morning session need to be paid...so I just thought, its ok as long as I can go night session...its worth it. The trip is worth it. Mind you morning session is about RM500....and I am already paying for my flight and expenses....so....okla...be contented.
So on valentine's day I made a prayer like this:
.jpg)
And in my lovey dovey moment with God, I posted this facebook status whereby I evoked some concern among caring people....stating that I seem to be staying single forever. LOL....don't worry....I am just in love, ok? I want to have a family still. No question. Being a mama, psycho-ing my child, nagging em and smooching them with kisses have never ONCE escape my mind.
So in reciprocation of my lovey dovey-ness with my Daddy King and Lover of my soul, He gave me the best Valentine's gift ever!
So....yesterday, I had a God appointment. I was suppose to go for a facial appointment with Miss Shaboon. Ended up she couldn't make it on time, I cancelled it and had dinner plans with some other friends.
Miracle #2
So these amazing friends...as we were talking about Kingdom Invasion, one of them realized I was not going to the morning sessions because I couldn't afford. With all my heart I never thought sharing this would mean someone is gonna bless me. In all honesty (repent) I never imagined anyone around my age would afford such a big sum, let alone for the person himself and me! So..... yes, I shared...and guess what....conference fee.... PAID FOR IN FULL....
No, it is not installment. No....it is not borrowing. It is a GIFT. AAAAAAA......
So my friend said this:
Friend 1: Why don't you want to join the morning session?
Me: Aiya....not enough money leh. Quite pricey. Student already ma. It's ok la...night session is good enough.
Friend 1: Hmm....why not you just come. I will pay for you
Me: WHAT?!?! You mean pay FOR me? as in...
Friend 1: As in I pay for you la. You just come its a gift
Me: OMG!! Are you serious?????? REallyyy????? OMG I just prayed about this. Are you serious?? *drama berama*
Friend 1: Ya la.....I invest into you. In turn, you multiply 20 more cell groups....quite a good return right? Haha
Me: ........(omg omg omg omg)
Ok....the 20 cell groups is just a joke ok? That would be too high a KPI. hahaha. But my gosh.....Someone would invest into my life!!! And no, this is not a leader.....but a friend!! I finally understood what it means when the missing pillars of Christianity begin redeeming and loving themselves....people around them (like me) get blessed and loved....
oh...*Cries*
p/s: the person refused to be identified. So in order to protect ze identity, I have excluded the name from the screenshot.
I was about to burst in tears! But...ahem...poised you know? So suck it all in.....a girl's got to look elegant.....As if this wasn't enough..... here comes the next amazing news...
Miracle #3
Friend 2: Hazel...you know what. hearing what Friend 1 said....I too felt like I want to invest into your life...you know....20 cell groups...really worthwhile investment
Me: 20 cell groups....oh my....you both are not really expecting that right
Friend 2: Haha...nola we just really want to bless you. For that, your flight ticket...is ON ME :)
Me: .....(speechless)
p/s: Again...the humble people in my life....refused to be identified. So in order to protect ze identity, I also have excluded the name from the screenshot.
So, I began looking down and wiping tears from the corner of my eyes (oh no...not so elegant now, aye?....LOL)...
This is inssaneeeee!!!!! Me? Me!!!.....
After the many "Are you suresss" and "reallysss" these two miracles came to pass right today. The two amazing miracle workers not only decide to bless me, but pester me to give details and whatnot so they could make necessary arrangements and purchases. Everything paid. Conference fee. Flight ticket. Period. Now....I just need to save up for expenses and pack my bag....
Miracle #4
So I quickly text Shirley to see if I can still join the group registration. Because group registration means I can get to tap on cheaper conference fee. I know now that things are paid for I shouldn't be so kiasu...but hello.....I also want to "love" the "pockets" of my "blessers" bah.....hard-earned money leh!
God cannot be anymore good. Shirley hasn't register for the group yet!! Reason being is because she felt there will be more joining us. So she wanted to wait till this week before she finally register for the group.
Hohohoho......
Happy Valentine's Day to me! From my beloved Daddy, King and Bridegroom....I am SO IN LOVE LAH...!!
This year's Valentine's has indeed become so much more meaningful with Him. Enjoyed every single moment of the Valentine week much in so many different ways. Must be all Daddy ^^
Oh here goes the pampered little girl twirling and jumping for joy.
So here is to my dearest Daddy and best Lover of my entire being,
How can You be so undescribably beautiful and amazing like that? How can I deny Your love for me? SO EXTRAVAGANT....So pampered, favored and loved. Thank You for loving me, this tiny weenie whiny lil girl like that. Thank You for letting me know that, it doesn't need a lot of yearning, begging, crying, throwing tantrums...It's never always about what I did, what I need....but it's about You wanting me to have the best of everything. You don't just give....You SHOWER. So now I am all wet. Hahaha! I love You so so so so so so much.....And I want to sing and dance just for You all day long......teehee...OK? ....
Oh....I am loved :')
Thank You. *A Kiss to heaven*
Friday, January 24, 2014
Chosen.
So, my life as a student has officially started.
I am entering my fourth week now. How am I doing? Honestly, not exactly great. I am very physically challenged. Reason being, there were too many readings to do, too many assignments to complete. On the second week itself we need to submit about 2 assignments, and it didn't stop eversince. Every single week there were at least 2-3 assignments so far.
Brings me to the question. Why am I here typing this post? I don't know. I guess, I just want to remind myself of the days I am pursuing the dream God placed in my heart with some discontentment and grudge...haha...And how He has spoke to me to encourage me. I guess....It is important to remember.
So I have been very deprived of sleep, and needless to say...rather grumpy. Now, let me be really truthful here. I am a human, I have needs, I have wants. And many times, as a subzone leader in church now, I am expected to be superwoman....most time subtly....usually by people who look up to me perhaps. Wow...Hazel sure can. Wah...Hazel power. Well, I used to think I am quite flexible and stretchable. But not anymore. I have attempted to be superwoman. But now, I prefer the ordinary girl title partnering with my extraordinary God... Works better ^^
Recent weeks, my bubble burst. I have had several people who have struggles in life looking for me. Most people will know I am rather compassionate. But then, I realized this season...This transition period, I couldn't bring myself to be loving. Because in efforts of trying to cope, my tiredness took over. Every little moment left, I couldn't share it because it was so hard to come by! Not because I stopped caring, but because I felt I needed more space for myself. I needed a breather.
This afternoon, I got into an argument with someone. I felt emotionally flushed out. Not because of that person, but because of all that is put together in my life at this point. I am physically and emotionally drained. But thank God I really encountered God in Myanmar...And I considered that God's bonus for me to refresh in the midst of busyness. And I believe that was what that has been keeping me from snapping.
Physically I am worn out with just a maximum of 3 to 4 hours sleep each day. It has been ongoing for four weeks now. Imagine my desperation. Emotionally, I felt there were many expectations. Expectations for me to be there, expectations for me to meet deadlines...and beyond that...expectations for me to score at least 75% every subject. Yes. You hear me. 75%. Why do I give myself so much pressure? Well....not exactly my choice to make. It was in the system. To graduate and pass the class....I have to score at least a 75%. Welcome to Masters world.
And as I was coping and etc, many other things cut my temper short. And at these moments, I asked God.....God, why do You give me a compassionate heart lah! If only I can just walk away and not care. But I cannot. Why why why....And God replied me this....yes I can take away your compassionate heart. But that would mean, I will be taken out from your life. Because that is who I am. And if you do not want that part of me, you do not want me.
So ok. I was caught speechless and I said ok. I know I have chosen to be in this path. But I am really learning and trying to be the best I know how in every area. A subzone leader, a cell leader, a daughter, a friend a student....everything! Please give me grace to go through and take care of myself physically and emotionally. Because if I cannot manage now, I cannot imagine when I need to meet client with psychosis daily. That would be amplification of stress....
And so as I mentioned, I was in an argument this afternoon....and there were back and forth WhatsApp messages as usual. I am very reactive. Then, God spoke. Hazel...don't read the message. Just drive. So I did. I obeyed. I drove....and as I reached my class, I wanted to read...God said...Hazel, you can read. But don't respond.....
Boy you know how hard that was??? I felt I am not given a chance to defend myself with all the back forth arguments. Ugh. But ok....I stopped reacting or responding. And then concentrated in class....
It was only later when I found out why God stopped me from replying. God opened up my mind today. It wasn't a Christian class, but every single thing that happened was so real to me...that I cannot deny God was speaking. I was in a Clinical Interviewing class and my lecturer played a video. She asked us to concentrate on the interviewee and be aware of how our feelings react.
When she paused the video, she asked one by one, what was the first feeling that jumped on us. And I answered....I felt like I need to rescue the client. And that was when everything made sense. My lecturer began warning us about the very intent of our hearts and feelings we had. And she said....many times what we feel about someone usually say very much about who we are as a person inside. But we have to remember and be aware of every feeling. For me, I feel like I want to rescue, but it also means I will have the tendency to get overinvolve in someone's lives.
It is true isn't it? I always felt I need to rescue. That's the very reason why I felt drained. I have to be understood, my method had to work.....the fact is I cannot rescue. Only Jesus can. I am only a channel, a resource, and a support that God prepared here on earth. I am not the solution. I can't bring solution. Because I am also one frail, fragile human being who has emotions and also can crack under pressure. I am no difference than others. But yes...I have always wanted to rescue...and that is the danger. If anything goes wrong, who will I tend to blame? Myself :) ...and why was I so frustrated with back and forth arguments, trying to proof a point, needing someone to really change? Because I was so preoccupied by the expectation of being a rescuer :)
I have to learn to recognize that I am placed here, for one reason...to be a channel, not the solution. And I have to constantly remind myself of that. To be aware of that in fact. I have to also remind myself to let go of control when I have given my best. Some people may misunderstand. Some may think I didn't try hard enough....but I need to learn to be secure...with the fact that I know I have given my best.
Beyond that, I was educated on how to react in similar situation. Coincidence? I don't think so :)
So as usual...being human, I was complaining to God about this hectic lifestyle. And I asked Him...why did He do this to me. Haha! God said...no, I did not. I gave you an option. You chose this.....and so I went silent....and then I admitted that I have counted the cost and I am ready to go all the way for it. But I just needed to express my frustration. I am feeling very bottled up. For that moment when I was talking and talking alone in the car, tears well up...and then there was silence. Silence. But the silence was loud. I felt the embrace of God and warmth just surrounding me....and the silent mean so much. At that moment, I felt safe. I felt comforted....and most importantly, I felt God's support saying...I will always always walk with you in this journey.
And then the revelation came.
God gave me a verse: Many are called but few chosen.
The entire verse took on a new meaning for me.
I went to search the greek word for "chosen"
Part of Speech: Adjective
Transliteration: eklektos
Phonetic Spelling: (ek-lek-tos')
Short Definition: chosen, elect, choice, select
Replacing it: Many are called, but few eklektos....few select
Many are given a calling. Those few who chose or select, became the chosen.
We can decide to be chosen by doing the choosing.
So in the midst of being a "kid" ranting and throwing tantrum say...God, why am I doing this bla bla bla....It suddenly dawn upon me...despite of everything that is overwhelming me, it is still my choice to be the chosen. I can stop right now. But I have took the first step to decide to be that. No matter how tough it is gonna be, I want to be the chosen one. And I should be willing to count the cost and pay the price for it.
So whenever I ask myself, why am I putting myself through this? Remind me this verse :)
I love You, Jesus. You're awesome :)
I am entering my fourth week now. How am I doing? Honestly, not exactly great. I am very physically challenged. Reason being, there were too many readings to do, too many assignments to complete. On the second week itself we need to submit about 2 assignments, and it didn't stop eversince. Every single week there were at least 2-3 assignments so far.
Brings me to the question. Why am I here typing this post? I don't know. I guess, I just want to remind myself of the days I am pursuing the dream God placed in my heart with some discontentment and grudge...haha...And how He has spoke to me to encourage me. I guess....It is important to remember.
So I have been very deprived of sleep, and needless to say...rather grumpy. Now, let me be really truthful here. I am a human, I have needs, I have wants. And many times, as a subzone leader in church now, I am expected to be superwoman....most time subtly....usually by people who look up to me perhaps. Wow...Hazel sure can. Wah...Hazel power. Well, I used to think I am quite flexible and stretchable. But not anymore. I have attempted to be superwoman. But now, I prefer the ordinary girl title partnering with my extraordinary God... Works better ^^
Recent weeks, my bubble burst. I have had several people who have struggles in life looking for me. Most people will know I am rather compassionate. But then, I realized this season...This transition period, I couldn't bring myself to be loving. Because in efforts of trying to cope, my tiredness took over. Every little moment left, I couldn't share it because it was so hard to come by! Not because I stopped caring, but because I felt I needed more space for myself. I needed a breather.
This afternoon, I got into an argument with someone. I felt emotionally flushed out. Not because of that person, but because of all that is put together in my life at this point. I am physically and emotionally drained. But thank God I really encountered God in Myanmar...And I considered that God's bonus for me to refresh in the midst of busyness. And I believe that was what that has been keeping me from snapping.
Physically I am worn out with just a maximum of 3 to 4 hours sleep each day. It has been ongoing for four weeks now. Imagine my desperation. Emotionally, I felt there were many expectations. Expectations for me to be there, expectations for me to meet deadlines...and beyond that...expectations for me to score at least 75% every subject. Yes. You hear me. 75%. Why do I give myself so much pressure? Well....not exactly my choice to make. It was in the system. To graduate and pass the class....I have to score at least a 75%. Welcome to Masters world.
And as I was coping and etc, many other things cut my temper short. And at these moments, I asked God.....God, why do You give me a compassionate heart lah! If only I can just walk away and not care. But I cannot. Why why why....And God replied me this....yes I can take away your compassionate heart. But that would mean, I will be taken out from your life. Because that is who I am. And if you do not want that part of me, you do not want me.
So ok. I was caught speechless and I said ok. I know I have chosen to be in this path. But I am really learning and trying to be the best I know how in every area. A subzone leader, a cell leader, a daughter, a friend a student....everything! Please give me grace to go through and take care of myself physically and emotionally. Because if I cannot manage now, I cannot imagine when I need to meet client with psychosis daily. That would be amplification of stress....
And so as I mentioned, I was in an argument this afternoon....and there were back and forth WhatsApp messages as usual. I am very reactive. Then, God spoke. Hazel...don't read the message. Just drive. So I did. I obeyed. I drove....and as I reached my class, I wanted to read...God said...Hazel, you can read. But don't respond.....
Boy you know how hard that was??? I felt I am not given a chance to defend myself with all the back forth arguments. Ugh. But ok....I stopped reacting or responding. And then concentrated in class....
It was only later when I found out why God stopped me from replying. God opened up my mind today. It wasn't a Christian class, but every single thing that happened was so real to me...that I cannot deny God was speaking. I was in a Clinical Interviewing class and my lecturer played a video. She asked us to concentrate on the interviewee and be aware of how our feelings react.
When she paused the video, she asked one by one, what was the first feeling that jumped on us. And I answered....I felt like I need to rescue the client. And that was when everything made sense. My lecturer began warning us about the very intent of our hearts and feelings we had. And she said....many times what we feel about someone usually say very much about who we are as a person inside. But we have to remember and be aware of every feeling. For me, I feel like I want to rescue, but it also means I will have the tendency to get overinvolve in someone's lives.
It is true isn't it? I always felt I need to rescue. That's the very reason why I felt drained. I have to be understood, my method had to work.....the fact is I cannot rescue. Only Jesus can. I am only a channel, a resource, and a support that God prepared here on earth. I am not the solution. I can't bring solution. Because I am also one frail, fragile human being who has emotions and also can crack under pressure. I am no difference than others. But yes...I have always wanted to rescue...and that is the danger. If anything goes wrong, who will I tend to blame? Myself :) ...and why was I so frustrated with back and forth arguments, trying to proof a point, needing someone to really change? Because I was so preoccupied by the expectation of being a rescuer :)
I have to learn to recognize that I am placed here, for one reason...to be a channel, not the solution. And I have to constantly remind myself of that. To be aware of that in fact. I have to also remind myself to let go of control when I have given my best. Some people may misunderstand. Some may think I didn't try hard enough....but I need to learn to be secure...with the fact that I know I have given my best.
Beyond that, I was educated on how to react in similar situation. Coincidence? I don't think so :)
So as usual...being human, I was complaining to God about this hectic lifestyle. And I asked Him...why did He do this to me. Haha! God said...no, I did not. I gave you an option. You chose this.....and so I went silent....and then I admitted that I have counted the cost and I am ready to go all the way for it. But I just needed to express my frustration. I am feeling very bottled up. For that moment when I was talking and talking alone in the car, tears well up...and then there was silence. Silence. But the silence was loud. I felt the embrace of God and warmth just surrounding me....and the silent mean so much. At that moment, I felt safe. I felt comforted....and most importantly, I felt God's support saying...I will always always walk with you in this journey.
And then the revelation came.
God gave me a verse: Many are called but few chosen.
The entire verse took on a new meaning for me.
I went to search the greek word for "chosen"
eklektos: select, by impl. favorite
Original Word: ἐκλεκτός, ή, όνPart of Speech: Adjective
Transliteration: eklektos
Phonetic Spelling: (ek-lek-tos')
Short Definition: chosen, elect, choice, select
Replacing it: Many are called, but few eklektos....few select
Many are given a calling. Those few who chose or select, became the chosen.
We can decide to be chosen by doing the choosing.
So in the midst of being a "kid" ranting and throwing tantrum say...God, why am I doing this bla bla bla....It suddenly dawn upon me...despite of everything that is overwhelming me, it is still my choice to be the chosen. I can stop right now. But I have took the first step to decide to be that. No matter how tough it is gonna be, I want to be the chosen one. And I should be willing to count the cost and pay the price for it.
So whenever I ask myself, why am I putting myself through this? Remind me this verse :)
I love You, Jesus. You're awesome :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)