Rough Start? But God... :)

Today, I will write this down, because I want to remember God not only in my  good times, but also in tough times.

2012 ended with a bang for me! I was totally hyped up for 2013. However, 2013 didn't start very well for me. many events happened in this span of 2-3 weeks.

I started off  with my very new spectacles, screw came off. I do not know how,but it fell off. And then the very next day  I burned my favorite shirt with the first stroke of ironing it....and I lost my very dear Samsung Galaxy S2 (gift from dad) the very same day...

Just the past Friday, I somehow ramp  into a fire hydrant. I couldn't see it.

many asked me how I lost my phone. To be very honest till this very day, I could not trace how. I was holding it. The next minute it was gone just like that. many asked how come I could not see the fire hydrant...I have no idea. Honestly, if you ask me....I would tell you I saw it as an empty space. I cannot explain how.

Probably carelessness? Yes, this is possible. I am quite known to be rather blur. Well...if possible, I hope this "blur" thing vanishes and I could be all sharpie sharp sharp 24-7! LOL. and if you asked me if I had put any effort to make it better....my personal answer for you would be...every single day I try. But I am sure the outcome did not show much of a difference at this point. Probably not up to par yet then? But fret not. I will keep trying!

Nonetheless, in this season, these 2-3 weeks, I learned what it means to really make God reign in our lives even in tough seasons. Its really tempting to complain...and I could have done that. Surprisingly, I notice these 2-3 weeks, whenever these things happened, all I could feel was PEACE. A peace that I cannot understand...a peace that is not normal! I am known to be easily shaken by incidents like these. But I was at peace. This is nothing to do with me, but really the difference of having Jesus in your life. You just  know He will take care of everything.

Yet....having the peace that things will be alright, my heart is still heavy, thinking of the cost, the amount of money needed to bear this.  Yes I come from a well-to-do family....but I am not allowing myself to take for granted this blessing. If this is something I have caused, then I will bear it.

Last  night, my heart was heavy...after the ramping of fire hydrant....sad because the car has  just been repaired! And of course, it is my beloved car. So, I prayed..I told God....I still need to preach. Please lighten up my heart, so I will not shortchange the people of Your Word. And as I worshipped God in cell group, God reminded me the blessings I should be counting. First of all, at least I have the means to repair the car now, even though it is costing a bomb! But at least, I can manage...secondly, the fire hydrant did not splash up, my car could have experienced worst damage...turn over by water pressure, or even overhaul when the engine get wet.....and thirdly, what is burdening my heart now, is not because my loved ones is in the hospital, or neither is my car a total loss....but it is just a minor knock that can be repaired.

It is building fund season, and yet many occurences already. I am not blaming God for any of it. I am thankful that God taught me how I can still be thankful in times like these.

As I am no expert in cars...I reported to my little brother and asked him for opinions. He insisted that I should bring my car home for our personal mechanics....because  we are  more assured of the quality of their work. I refused...because I didn't want to trouble my parents or brothers. I want to settle it on my own here in KL and not burden my dad to pay for the damage I have done.. But then again, my brothers  were right...this car do not belong to me in the first place. If my parents demand the best service for it, I will still have to be responsible for it.. By now, you should have known that the male species in my family are car lovers. They only want the BEST for every car....in other words, no cheap repairs! lololl

In this, I still thank God, that my brothers, as much as they know that their sister could really be quite a noob in "street" things, would still call and discuss (try convincing) with me on what's best for the car, and also convince me that I should prepare dad before bringing the car home. I truly felt respected. Well, it is really pointless hiding if I am bringing it home to fix. Therefore, few hours ago, I called my dad and I told him all that had happened.

Received the consequences of course....and there were many other words spoken. But as Keith preached today...we need to filter what we allow into our hearts....words will shape our world...So I have to constantly remind myself, sometimes what is thought of me, is not always true...but the intent behind words expressed (the concern, the love) is what I should capture and be thankful for. After all, it is easier to be sensitive toward our loved ones more than anyone else. All in all, it is only fair that we should always embrace the consequences of our actions with an open heart..

If you ask me right now.....how are you feeling Hazel? I wouldn't lie to you that I am not feeling all that great. But I am really glad and contented that God was by my side. Every moment of it, even though it was just a tiny rough patch. I knew it because of the extraordinary peace of God. And with that, I am confident that my  God will see me  through. It isn't an exactly smooth start for the year. But hey...this is nothing compare to many other super crazy insane crises I know.

And I believe, it is always a choice to be hopeful and to be positive in every situation....We can always choose to approach our circumstances and mistakes with grace and gratitude.

I am really grateful, not because I am capable...but because I have a God who is greater than anything else. With that fact, I can be at rest. my God is big enough and good enough for any and everything. my God is by my side in every single situations and emotions I am going through. I do not know how many more testings will arrive in times to come...but I am just grateful for the rest of my life, I will not be going through this alone...I have Him....And He deserves my best every season, every moment....just because He is worth every part of me :)

This is something that I never want to lose, something that I hope I will remember and experience in every single struggles I will be facing in future.

The song that really speaks to me this season. Enjoy! :)

What Are You Most Afraid Of?

It is the beginning of 2013! many of us are setting our goals, visions and resolutions into place.

I have a lot of suggestions from friends around me  regarding this. many told me that I should make "Finding a Partner" a resolution in 2013 because I am not young anymore. Haha! I have  to say...I kinda agree I am not young anymore. Just past the mid-age mark for 20s. 

Well, having a partner to love and a family to build has never been out of my life plan. Yes, I do desire these things....but what scares me most...is not  the fact that I will not have a husband, or a family...but the fact that I will have to lose the most important thing in life to me in sacrifice to that. 

"Don't be so picky"...."Give it a shot"

Those are the common words these days. I know I shouldn't be...after all "market value" is not that high after a certain age. LOL. But I cannot and do not even want to invest feelings toward someone unless I am sure that he can have the same vision with me (of course not omitting character, chemistry and friendship, ok? I am still human. LOL). It doesn't mean we have to want to do the same thing....but we must have the same ONE GOAL...that is to be SOLD OUT to the call of God.

That he would not stop me from risking it all for God, and he would not "play safe" just being a good, faithful Christian. That's it. In other words, I am hoping to find a man who will encourage me and together with me...fearless of risking it all for the sake of the call. To RUN together. He is not a scaredy cat. I want to be sure  he is courageous enough to do what God wants  him to do.

Passionate....not because he wants to win my heart or get any approvals. Passionate...because he really is a lover of God. That even if he doesn't have me in his life....he will still run toward the visions and dreams God has given him. That he will not settle for a simple life. But would be willing to suffer for the sake of the call. That even if I were to be at the brink of death doing all these....he wouldn't be shouting and cursing God, he wouldn't be blaming me for being selfish...but he would say...its ok...if anything happens, I will see you in heaven,dear...and the mission will go on.....

See, I am already not exactly courageous by nature. Finding a not-so-bold partner will not help me grow into fulfilling my destiny, even though he may not stop me from achieving it. 

many do not understand what does it mean when I say, I want to find someone of the same vision.....It doesn't mean doing the same thing.....but having the same big dream and will not let those dreams remain dreams. But will be bold to stand up and do something about it. And so, I can be the woman behind who support his exciting dreams too(what an honor!)! I want to live a life...whereby all the days of my life is lived like that. Always exciting, always risking it all....people may see it as a stupid decision. But we both will know, its the best life ever lived. A life worth living for...a life lived for God and for others.

Since young, mom knew that I was rather determined in the things I wanted to do. And she knew I find purpose and meaning in making a difference  in other's lives. Both my parents often tell me this (even to this day)......"Hazel, don't help people too much. In the end what you get back in return? You may even get bitten from the back. At the end of the day....your help to others turn into a harm toward yourself. Be smart! Don't be too helpful! This world is too cruel!"

my parents love me a lot....And I am truly grateful for that. And of course they felt that I am really naive in the sense that I believe people easily. mandarin saying is : "dan chun"

Well, I do not deny that I believe others easily. But what harm does it bring if I did something out of good intention, even though the person who receives it has a bad intention? I can still answer to God.Of course, it doesn't mean I have to be stupidly letting conmen con....Practice wisdom....but above all, I believe  being helpful is better than being suspicious all the time.  Life has more meaning to building lives, than to keep it all to ourselves because we are too afraid the world may take advantage of us.

Eversince the day I decided I want to contribute to the broken lives in dark alleys, I already expected that it would be a journey whereby I will be constantly taken for granted for...I have not actually experience it yet...but I kinda expected it and was in fact warned about it. What do you expect from broken lives who rarely experience genuine love? You expect them to respond without suspicions? Respond with gratefulness and love? It isn't easy for them too. Changes require time....

But  having said all these, my parents knew these were good acts. And I believe part of them are kinda happy I am doing these too..but worried. I emphasized to them....this give meaning to my life and I want to continue doing it. my dad told me this one day : "You know....as much as you are doing what you like. Remember to think of your family. Don't be too selfish. If anything should happen to you, what would become of us? What would we feel?"

When he spoke those words...I remember there was a pierce in my heart. I know I have to be careful and all the more be wise. Pray more for the guidance and leading of the Holy Spirit. But I remember thinking the whole night about this. Then I spoke to God....God, the best  way to make sure I don't hurt my parents is I don't risk at all...Don't do anything. Just be where I am now. That's the safest.

"But is that the life you want? What about reaching your destiny?"

And then it dawned upon me. Every destiny, every vision...there needs to be risk and sacrifices made. Should anything bad happen to me (not because of foolishness) unavoidably, then I must trust that God will make the best out of it. It really sound selfish sometimes...But, one day, I hope I can make my parents understand....that whatever shortchanged or sacrificed that seems to result out of a good-will act, will never be in vain.

One way to make them understand, is to get them saved. One day I hope they understand that even if it means risking my life, for someone's life to be impacted....it is worth it. You may lose me, but I am in a better place, you needn't have to worry about me. But, this someone, there is a chance for his/her life to be changed for eternity. Who could put a value to that?

One day, if I ever die, or something happened to me in the midst of doing what I felt I was called to do...I wish for my loved ones to understand...that I am and I can be in a better place. And that this sacrifice...is never in vain. To lose a life so that someone else can gain theirs....is actually a worthwhile sacrifice :) If I ever die because of such reasons....I think it is an honor and privilege to me to have lived life so meaningfully.

Well....having said all these....There is still a fire burning within me right now.I hope I will never forget what I have written today. I am not perfect. Not the holy moly girl who never waiver and  never sin...and not always on the "high" side of my passion. Sometimes I slack too. Nonetheless, I want to remember times when I made these stands in life. Blogs are good reminders. If there come a day I intend to compromise all of my dreams and visions for something else....I must remember the times that I wouldn't compromise it for anything :)

The question remains....What are you afraid of most?

To be lonely? To die? To wait and have someone who will fight life battles with you? To risk the call?

To have safe life, pleasing everyone else? Or to take a risk in life and have the chance to be Christ's ambassador on earth?

I guess the answer could possibly change from time to time...depending on what centralized your lives :)

As for me....what scares me most right now is a life without a vision. Worst, a life that forbids me to live out the vision.

You? If it were you, could you live with the "what ifs" of not living up to your vision?

2012 going on 2013

This post comes a little late, but I truly feel a need to post all these up.

In end of 2011, I begin realizing that I have many dreams and vision. What was lacking, was the courage. The courage to risk it all and be SOLD OUT for that one cause. So I decided to make a change. 2012, I told myself I wanted a courageous year. And I prayed....God give me a courageous year. In areas that I have none, YOU be my courage...You give me the strength.

So I waited. Indeed...God gave me a year that I will never forget. A year that could sum up my lifetime...I have never done so much in a lifetime than in this year itself. Greatest gift...God surrounded me  with courageous people. People whom I learned from, walk with, encouraged me...and most importantly...contagious people...who borrowed me courage when I have none...and together walked through journeys of life with me.

One of the greatest breakthrough was my baptism. I remember telling myself...the first step to courage is to truly declare and hold my faith up high...especially to my family. So I got baptized. And afterwards was tested in my step grandma's funeral which happened right after. my family finally understood. And they began letting go bit by bit...Realizing I am no longer the naive little girl anymore...Realizing, that it is time for me to venture to what I feel meaningful in life.

After which, comes the BERSIH rally. This is a lifetime experience. Something I will never forget. How I stood there that day, being truly proud to be malaysian for the very first time...and loving my nation even more. We were all there for one cause and one only. To fight for justice, righteousness and integrity. At least that was my intention. With teargases and water canon shot at us, I have to say, I did not regret one bit. And come to think of it...for a fact I could even gather the courage to step into such scene....I think it is a miracle from God. Hahhaa

And then Destiny...How I witnessed the whole ordeal the entire process. How Shirley and David went through the toughest time of their lives....clinging on just to God...That itself inspire me. I told myself...Destiny fought so hard to live. And her parents were so courageous in walking through their darkest moment...didn't give up on their faith because they were just so sure that God takes care of everything. So confident. I want that faith...And I promise to be courageous and make each day count. So I sparked off wanting to do even more.

We ran Jayesslee's concert. No experience....but so successful, so satisfied. After which was the marathon. I couldn't believe I can do it. But I did! I ran 2 marathons - 10 km and 12 km....and this year I just signed up for Brooks 21 km. Come to think of it....the Hazel a year ago, would never even want to be part of any of this. Then the plan of wanting to reach out to my grandparents. Every month I would go home and spend at least an hour or two talking to them. Hopefully God will open doors for me...With courage, I can share  the gospel with them. With Him...definitely :)

Then I joined something that changed my life forever. mission. I joined two mission trips. The one to myanmar truly sparked off my passion for the broken. I went there with an intention to bless...I came back feeling so blessed instead. So grateful.....with all that we  have, with all that we are able to do...we are way way way better off and we should really count our blessings. Some people have to think twice to attend a seminar because it is a matter of life and death of their family to them. To us....what do we have to lose? And some of us could even consider utilizing their time to sleep than to join a seminar. I love mission....it opens up my eyes to so many things in life and help me appreciate things so much more.

This year, of course my cell group multiplied. I have had the privilege from God to do even more within my cell group. Counseling young adults and broken lives. Even get to join NACC (National Association of Christian Counsellors) this year round for their annual conference. Thank You God that You see me fit for this :)

Ended the year with a big bang as I ski and experience snow for the very first time in my LIFE in Korea.....and conquered  the 11th tower of the Great Wall of China.

See...I started  the year, never expecting that I could have accomplished so much. But God surprised me time after time. This is officially the best year of my life so far...and a year that I have grown so much in so many different aspects of my life...Thank You God...Thank You for every good and bad times.....they mean the world to me. I am where I am because of all that You have given me to experience, explore and encounter.

Coming 2013.....I have listed many resolutions. But one that sums it all is....I want to be a BETTER worshipper of Jesus.. One that does  His will, and is sold out for His calling. One who is not afraid, not because I am talented, but because I have Him. my first step, I have just signed up for the international conference for the street ministry that I have been wanting to be a part of since 2010. I finally did it :)

I was telling Shirley about it the other day....She asked : " You are going alone?" .....I said : "yes"
Only to realize, when I answered Yes....I was no longer afraid...no longer doubtful. Before this, I could be really passionate for something...but will only have the courage to do if someone else familiar joined me in the occasion...as if I am borrowing some of his courage to step forward. But this time....I just felt it is time to step up and not be borrowing courage else where. Download courage and strength directly from God. After all I am living for His cause, He will surely provide and be on my side :)

2013....will be the best year yet. I have some minor challenges in the beginning of 2013...But I know it is a sign...that this is not going to be an easy year, but definitely the most meaningful year :)

I want to be a better worshipper....Taking care of myself more....I want to be sold out....that each time when Jesus has a mission....He will think "Lets include Hazel. Let  her  life be exciting! Hazel can do! She is willing. She will do it"

And the final "Well Done" at the finishing line of life :)
Well, it may seem "too spiritual" a resolution. But being a better worshipper does sum up being more excellent in every aspect of life. And that is all I could think of wanting now.

2013....here I come :)