Women and Inevitable Insecurities

I guess I am in a journey whereby God is moulding me, and also allowing me to see the many things in life that I need to take note of in order to run the long journey ahead. I am beginning to see why God allow me to have a relationship at this point...during my time of preparation for a calling He has prepared for me.....this relationship is also a preparation.

In the relationship, even though it has only been a month and a little more, many things have surfaced within. Mainly insecurities. Not to say that Kelvin hasn't been trying his best to be secure to me, but more so of me needing to battle the past that I have been through. I tell you...as much as you thought you have overcome so much....then you enter a new experience, to find out, there are still more things to overcome. Even if your partner may have fulfilled 90 percent of what a good partner should, you will still linger on the 10 percent. Well, as David Oh once said....God focuses on all that we can have, but the devil focuses on the ONE we cannot have. So true!

Life is indeed...full of overcoming...and there will never be a time you don't need breakthroughs anymore. Sometimes, I feel tired....but then again, it only shows me one thing....I need to stop depending on myself...and start depending on Him. Over and over this had been proclaimed....but there will be situations after situations in life that you notice you have to keep surrendering again and again...one by one. But rest assured...it only gets easier with time :) ...Because from past record, you know you were never shortchanged when you surrendered.

so....what conrtibuted to my insecurities? Past in my family, stories of the many counseling issues, fears that were planted by words of my parents, even in my past relationship....Like it or not, we are all total sum of our background, histories, and experiences. There were many hurts, betrayed, feelings that caused me to feel really doubtful that things can be promising without any effort. And what is effort on my part? Doubts. If I doubt enough, to be cautious enough....then things may be under control?

I knew I was wrong the moment this statement came up. Because I was convicted. And I am grateful He is showing me how these could have been detrimental. Because in the long run, if I am not secure enough, it could affect ministry. When there are more reasons for suspicions....without security, and knowing my identity....it may shaken the entire relationship and ministry...I am glad the preparations started while we are in the equipping season...not when we are there and we have to deal with the real thing. If not settled now, the enemy is going to use that one thing against us and to cripple us. I am so determined to set him on fire now. hahahaha! Like literally, this is WAR! RAR!

Hence this time round, I tried....not suppressing, but learning to trust. Learning to let go....and not question, even though my entire being is itching and wondering. HAHA! Kelvin has always asked me to question because he wants to assure me....Well, I am not letting suspicions have the last say. Refusing to feed it....and be effortful in ensuring that insecurity do not take over. When insecurity creeps in, it leaks. And I know....what happens then? The mind will wander and begin to pick on certain parts of life wondering and wondering...why this happened?...what's the reason?.....could the reason be that simple? Is there more?...

What if this, what if that....what ifs after what ifs that never happened. But it crippled my ability to step in a little deeper.

I guess you can say that....it is a trait that runs in my family. They are generally very suspicious people....Or very chinese mindset who thinks the world is out there to suck out all the good from you....to benefit from you and be parasites.... And they often go to the extremes of worst case scenario. Come to think of it, it is be quite sad....because you don't live by faith, you don't hold on to the possibilities of hope. Anything good is good. Anything bad...is..."I knew it"....I have always commented on how "without hope" family members can sometimes be that they are afraid of people taking advantage of them all the time, lacking of trust....but then I find myself falling into the same trap...only thing different is the scenarios

So I have been thinking lately....and I noticed, as I was reminiscing the conversations I have with some girls....seemed like the "suspicion" period is inevitable in today's society. It is in the moment where the girl is still deciding whether should I plunge in completely and just trust....or is there any "red alert" signs that I need to ensure I am not too blind to see it at this point....some girls do it their whole lives...afraid may be cheated if let off guard....that is quite sad isn't it? I don't want that in all honesty.

I am a child of God. My partner is a child of God. We are better than that, we are not affected by the world's standard. That is what we aim to be. But issues are real, experiences are real....that is why...breakthrough is inevitable. So what do I do when insecurity creeps in to pinpoint the little little things that weren't align with your own belief system? I mean come on...no matter how similar two people can be, they grew up in different backgrounds, it is difficult to completely just understand someone....

So what happens then? Learn to dance with Jesus :) And remember He holds the key to your happiness...not anything else. Not the "perfection" of what expect to have. In fact....I have always been a perfectionist. In my pastoral care, in my studies, work...everything....time to cut myself some slack...and do others a favor by cutting theirs too :))

So my friends, imperfection even as leaders, as you embark on the journey of discovery of who you truly are....is not the end. Beyond discovery, is total surrender, trust again and again.

Insecurity is experienced by many women...mainly because of disappointments with men and father figures of the current time.....but it is really not the end. Find a godly man...A godly relationship helps you realize these things, breakthrough, and become more secure in God...which in turn will help you grow secure with each other. God first. Then each other :)

I won't say I have totally overcome this....but I am getting there. Because I refuse to be in the enemy's ploy. There. Declaring means have to work on it no matter what. Hehe.

What about you? Would you allow your women's insecurity to cripple you? I know it would be a greater struggle if you have felt betrayed, wounded, taken advantage, abused emotionally or sexually by men. But remember, Life is about making choices. I am making mine :)

The Pursuit of A Godly Relationship Part 2

In my previous post, we spoke about how both me and Kelvin got to open up our hearts to each other.

In this post, it is very much on how we finally got together. I have a very close buddy in Moscow. Her name is Charis Lian. In fact, she was the first person who introduced me to Kelvin. We have been discussing how everything has been divinely planned. How Charis got to know him and connect with him when he came to Moscow for visit. How he brought a book from Shirley that changes her life and challenged her to stay on in Moscow to make a difference, and how everything intertwin, that he got to know of Shirley Boon through her best buddy Yunn Min when Charis introduced the value of discipler to Yunn Min and then Yunn Min told Kelvin about Shirley. And how Angeline got to know about Shirley through them, join her CG, and also asked Kelvin to join...and tadaa....that's how we are all connected.

So, Charis Lian, being my very amazing sister, went and interrogate Kelvin when she found out about him wanting to pursue me. Asked him a series of important and test questions, which apparently, he passed with flying colors. HAHA.

So Charis was asking me one day, how would I want things to be when Kelvin asked me to be his girlfriend. So I shared with her. And behind me, she went to ask Kelvin how would he plan the day he proposed to me to be his girlfriend to be like....and he shared with her. So Charis came back telling me...Hazel, Kelvin knows your heart so well....you will be surprised. Prepared to be blown away.....so I tercengang cengang. Wondering what she meant.

And then...the day finally came. It was Easter Sunday. He just finished his 40 days....and I was at the final few days of mine....he was suppose to bring me out for a pre-couple date. Haha....but on that day, something happened...someone needed to go to the hospital, and both of us rushed that person to emergency. So we stayed on in the hospital (you know government hospital) for a few hours...and there goes our date....He was prepared to postpone it after we send the person home....but as he tried his luck by asking if I would still want to continue going out.....I said OK....but was wondering if the restaurant is still open...its midnight you know?

And then, I found out. He cooked :) Packed them all up ready for a picnic. Guess where are we going...Dataran Merdeka! HAHA...So we ate at Dataran Merdeka....with company of many many many cats prying on our food....These cats are really pretty I kid you not. Like really pretty. amazing thing is.....

So after meal, when we walk to the Tunku Abdul Rahman monument, he then asked me if I would like to walk this journey of life with him (because asking me to be his girlfriend is too mainstream and cliche he said :P).....Guess what....he did exactly everything that I hoped he would have done. I have never mentioned anything to him...But he did just the exact same thing.

I told Charis Lian the few things I hoped to have would be:

1. No need flowers or soft toys....but something significant and meaningful

2. Enter the relationship by praising and worshipping God

3. To meet our spirtual parents for a prayer of blessing.

So he brought me to Dataran Merdeka, as a significant landmark of both of our callings to our nation. That we will still pursue the calling and help each other in it even in the relationship. To strengthen, not dampen the call. He bought me a necklace with 3 crystals...signifying both of us and Jesus in the middle...and the white color crystal as our promise to fight for our purity till marriage. He even brought a guitar...he said the first thing we wanna do as couple is to worship God together. He planned that.  But...of course it didn't happen because it was already very late...and there were a bunch of homeless people sleeping there who might have stonned us with the noise. Hahaha. So we started the relationship with a prayer.  God's presence was really strong...and I am grateful we brought Jesus with us from the first day itself.

And indeed, he knew my heart. First thing I hope to do was to meet dash. He made an appointment but it was too late.  So the meeting got postponed till I came back from hometown. 

When all that happened, I immediately messaged Charis Lian and asked her if she had hinted Kelvin in any way....and she said....NO.....she even wrote me a note to tell me I have found a man who really knew my heart should I said "yes" to being his girlfriend. OK....So she didn't say anything...and after some few minutes of doubting her....I finally have to admit....This man, really knows my heart la. hahahaha

Well things, have been smooth still. No arguments...YET. What to expect. first month only kan? Hahaha. But my peace and happiness is that God has been in the picture the whole time since the beginning....and my comfort is that, as long as we both cling on closely and tightly to Jesus putting Him above everything else, we will grow to become more in love, and more of a helper to one another rather than a destroyer. I am just so glad Jesus is in the middle.

But having said that, with so much of miraculous signs and etc, this does not apply to everyone. God knew this would be an assurance for me, the person with little faith and skeptic...hahaa...so He did all these for me....and God being in the picture since beginning, doesn't mean we do not have to work hard at keeping this relationship alive, well, aligned and right before God. Starting off well, is not the key to a successful relationship....but progressing well and ending it well (will only end when we both die...hopefully!) is more crucial than the start to it.

Kelvin definitely helps me in many areas of my weaknesses. And I am grateful for that....I just pray that we will grow closer to God and grow to be more like Jesus as we learn to love one another. I really want Jesus to be in the middle of it all....till the day we see Him face to face....

Do pray for us :) ....that as we pursue our callings in life, and as we grow in our relationship, and our studies and our families, and ministries...we will learn to juggle, find balance...and most crucially put Jesus in the centre, always and forever....

Well, that's all. To my blog readers...I hope this blessed you and encouraged you to put God in the middle of every single details of your life....because He cares even to the little details. And these blog posts is not to portray myself as a love expert. Because in all honesty...I am a noob at it. Definitely not my experties...hahahha.... but this is crucial for me.....as a reminder that in every step in the walk of life, when things are difficult, or when I become forgetful, I will look back and remember and cherish this.

You can remind me too :)

We are still in a journey. Will share more when I have more discoveries and revelations.

So Cheers ~

The Pursuit of a Godly Relationship Part 1

So, I am attached again...finally after four years. LOL. Many will ask how did the story go? Well, writing this blog, it is not for me to tell the world how it all started. But more so of me wanting to remember how it all happened...and how amazing it was for me because God was evidently in the picture. That was all I really wanted and been praying for...that my next relationship, God must be so involved in the picture, that it is founded, rooted, connected and only workable with Him :) ....well, just in case I have Alzheimer or some sort of dementia, or maybe brain damange ...hahaha...at least this blog will remind me of things.

So, here goes.... I have been praying for my future partner in 2012. Was taking a Sabbath in 2011 so therefore didn't intend to have any relationship then. So, Kelvin came to City Harvest at the middle of 2012. By end of 2012, I remember Charis Lian telling me about this guy whom I should meet because he is also going all rar rar for the nation. I was very involved back then with some cause the nation is fighting for....And guess where is the first time I met him? Manhunt Emerge KL. Haha.

Apparently he was challenged to join the competition. When I saw him and his first liner of "I am the man you are hunting for"....I was going all "eww...so narcissistic"....hahahaha....but who would have expected we would really end up together now? I was quite judgmental with him...in many areas...

The first time we worked together was our mission trip to Myanmar in 2012, then to the streets a few times in 2013. I already didn't have much of a good impression on him to begin with, therefore I tried being clear with him as much as possible whenever we communicated. I was very particular in emphasizing "we are just friend"....well so did he. He wasn't really interested back then, according to him. I guess that was something that might have kept the friendship going....because I didn't feel he had much intention. I did initially, when he started talking to me and so forth....I thought he had interest and I emphasize the "being friends thing even more"....but he really genuinely treated me as friends. Most times talking about politics and even the dreams we are pursuing....something that has probably helped in bringing my guard a little down to understand and know him better as a person.

So when I first knew him, I felt he wasn't broken enough (well, I didn't know him that well, but call me judgmental :P...I am just like that). So initially I am quite skeptical with this guy. But in the course of one year, I saw a lot of changes. He went through some tough times...and I began realizing the things that I used to judge him with, isn't really who he is. So, I began to be a more real friend, rather than a judging one. Haha....ask him, I have given him so many direct shots in the first few times we contacted :P...We grew closer as friends due to common ground, but nothing much happened yet. I guess God must have remembered my "best friend policy"....that I wanted a partner who is also a best friend first. One that started with pure, genuine friendship. I really thank God for His favor because at a certain age, it is often really hard to find a best friend of the opposite sex due to time and also peers limitation....but God gave me an opportunity on this one....because He knew how hard it is for my heart to open if it weren't for friendship first. So, thank You, Daddy G!  

But that is just that.... still nothing much happened. We just kept talking...and noticed that our conversations couldn't end. One topic often linked to another...sometimes we don't even know how we get to a certain topic. LOL. Friendship. I enjoyed that very much. 

Until about near end of last year I sensed he may have started liking me. Well, according to him he didn't like me until January 2014....so well, again perhaps (just perhaps) God knew I needed more time and this day would come....so He prepared me earlier? Cos if you know me, I am actually quite a fearful person. I was really afraid that this would be another failed relationship again....and I don't want to waste time or even to go through the tough times of healing from heartbreak again, so I was very careful. I needed to fast, pray and get confirmation from God...LOL...hence, God must have noticed I needed more time to resolve and open up my heart. Thus, I guess feeling that he already liked me last year is a good thing as much as it might be a "perasan" thing....LOL..... Because I started asking God for 5 signs to see if I should consider him or if he is a distraction. 

1. (first sign is a secret. Haha)

2. That he would tell me that he would live a life similar to the story of Acts 4:19 -- Bold in the cause of Christ

3.  Spiritual authority would approve of this, with that it means he must have broke through and also won their confidence that he is a man of character in some ways

4. He would love God more than he loves me (if he likes me)

5. He would pursue and fight for me (especially purity) in the right way

In all honesty he hit first 3 signs quite fast. And I was panicking. Cos too easy I feel. HAHAHA. So I try to uplevel the signs. So one day as my leader was asking me about relationships and so forth, I told my leader I needed green light from God....which means the fulfilment of 5 signs. And when I told her I uplevel the sign because I felt it was too easy, and I believed if God really wants us to be together, the signs will be fulfilled....I was rebuked. HAHAHA!

Shirley asked me....so is the sign a guide, or is the sign God? Because signs are meant to just be a guide...we as human still make choices....We still have freewill. And what if he hit all four except one? Would I just take it as a shut door? Then her husband came to tell me...bible did mention that only evil generation asked for signs....like the Children of Israel in the wilderness....even asked for signs when there are pillar of clouds and fire with them. HAHA. But then again, it is not wrong to ask for signs, but it should never be taking the place of God. God is still God.

I also got rebuked  by God. Asking me...why do I need upleveling. What am I trying to prove? What am I afraid of? In all honesty, I was afraid of another failed relationship? Do I like Kelvin already then? Hmm....I didn't even dare to allow myself to ponder on this question or open up my heart to feel, because I was just too afraid to be hurt.......so ok....repent a little....I took down the upleveling of signs and acknowledged he fulfilled 3....I was still very determined with the other 2 being fulfilled. Hahaha.....guess what

Then I entered 40 days fast n prayer. I prayed for the relationship and God's will to be done. It was suppose to be also a preparation for Kingdom Invasion Conference.  During Kingdom Invasion, I was basically avoiding him and any kind of contact because I didn't want any distraction, and I was still seeking God asking if he is a distraction....so I just didn't want any kind of contact. One of the worship session as I was worshipping, his face appeared in my head...and I was quick to pinpoint...YES GOD YES...does that mean he is a distraction? If yes, I am cutting him off NOW!! ....LOL.....no answer. Silence from Daddy G.

Then, he hit the 4th sign which is the confirmation that he will love God more than me or anything. I had an issue which I disagreed with him...about someone and he was telling me about how division is bad etc....and I couldn't agree with him. In Kingdom Invasion, I was convicted by God on this matter...God reminded me of the person me and Kelvin were once discussing about....How I have been tearing that person down, and in the Kingdom of God, I am sowing division. I immediately repented...and I acknowledged, Kelvin must be confident and close enough to God to even rebutt me on this. Well at that point is already March, so he already liked me for about a month and more.....but he stood his ground. Not sure if it is ego (:P hehe)...but yea, I am quite sure he is very much in love with God and the entire conference allowed me to see more of that side of his. Which is great...I just needed to know that a guy would not compromise for me, and would not even be less in God because of me. I wanted someone who loved God more than anything else. Still in discovery till today....but back then, what I saw already gave me enough peace to seal sign number 4.

And...It was Kingdom Invasion....all of us were about Jesus, loving Him and being all out sold out for Him....Who would have imagined....on the last day of conference...Heidi Baker in her final session make a call for all singles...initially it was a call for those who wants to have babies....and she switched to, people who wants to have babies but are still single.....she told the singles to stand up to be prayed for. So a bunch of us did. She prophesied, out of the conference couples by example will come out of it, and she began breaking all fears. When she spoke of the fear of failed past relationship...I cried....I couldn't comprehend why, as my last relationship ended in 2010....turns out, I still have a lot of fear, afraid that I would not be able to survive another godly relationship. So I was so cautious.

And then God instantly spoke...that the reason why I hav been needing so many confirmations and held on to it so tightly, is purely because I am afraid he might be the wrong one again. I was looking for a "No" so much....to see him being proved wrong so much rather than trying to see him from the eyes of Jesus. Afraid to be vulnerable, to take risk, or even to open up my heart to allow myself to fall in love again. So God said....I have shown you he is not a distraction.....and I asked...."did you?"......God said: Did you feel distracted to a point you cannot worship when his face appear in your head? Were you not worshipping still and crying and sobbing like a baby??.....I nodded......And He continued...."Then you decide whether you will proceed. This life is yours...I have given you the freedom of choice...I will not rob that from you. Just look and see if he has fulfill the fundamentals, I will be in the midst, and I will help both of you grow....question is, would you take a risk to trust again?"

So I did....I took a risk. I decided to scrape sign number 5....and still go on (that is a lot of risk already ok....to let go of my security). So I stepped in by faith. Little did I know he was also fasting in his 40 days fast and prayer prayjng for the right time to pursue this relationship because he was also scared...he felt there's a call upon his life which requires him to sacrifice much and he did not know if I would be ok with that (he didn't know I asked for sign number 2...hahahaha)...and coming from a prestigious family, my family has high expectations on the children's spouses. He didn't have much to offer at this point as he is still studying.

Heidi Baker that night as she spoke into breaking the fears in my life, also broke the fear of finances n future. He took that as a confirmation from God.... a yes to start pursuing. I didn't know this, but he told me I walked back to my seat that night, and for the first time in the entire conference, I tapped him and spoke to him.... and he said he saw something different. Like a sparkle in my eye ...and he took that as a 2nd confirmation to pursue the relationship....So as he was pursuing me...even though I told God I am scraping all signs....God is still good to me. He favors me like that. Pampered. Haha. God still show me the last sign..  In the same words...Kelvin actually said to me: that he will fight for me...for my purity n for the call god has placed in my life.

I am overwhelemd bcos even when I say no further signs needed, God still fulfil the last one anyway.

Well, that's all for courtship. Part 1. Moving on to Part 2, how he asked me to be his girlfriend :))