Thursday, August 22, 2013

Being a Woman

This is a private thought that I develop recently. But I have decided that it should be spoken of. Because it is necessary for many women to know. I have been reading the book "Captivating" recently and I am greatly impacted by it. Not because it made me stronger, but it made me more comfortable to be a true woman.

In the deepest core of every woman, there is a longing for relationship. Any kind. See, men are made to go for battles, to lead and fight for a cause. But women are made for relationships. They are made to care, love and nurture. Hence in every heart of a woman, they are searching for a relationship and eventually a husband when two become one, in hope to feel complete with it. Hence the reason why many people call their partners my other HALF.....this is true, because they literally feel incomplete until they meet their other HALF. But let me burst the bubble. This HALF will never completely complete your life. Yes, momentarily you feel so fulfilled and good only to slowly discover, the feeling will slowly fade off.

I am no different from any woman. I too hope to be married and have a family one day. But see, I am a leader, and I know how dangerous these longing can grow to be. I have seen a fair deal of cases whereby strong Christian women fall from their destiny because of relationships. And it began to sink in within me two years ago, that this is a serious issue to be extremely cautious about. Women need to understand and know that having a man does not fully complete them. But having Jesus does. Well....as a well-meaning Christian, we always say these things....but I believe we all agree that it is easier said than done. Or rather, it is easier said than understood. I tell many other women (Especially in my younger days) countless times that Jesus alone will fill every gap.

Yes. We can say and proclaim principles. But what is true, is still the feelings you are feeling, the longing that is within you. They are real. And mind you, every strong Christian women do know (and are aware) that it is especially DANGEROUS when we feel incomplete until THE ONE comes along to sweep us off our feet. Yet why so many still fall for this very reason?

So what's the solution? I have been asking the same thing. I asked God when one of my very good friends fell for this reason. I asked God....is that longing that real? I thought having You alone is enough?? So I judged and concluded that these women do not really have a very strong relationship with God. They fell, because they were looking for love in all the wrong places. They did not come to God. Initially, I thought having that "longing" feeling is actually wrong, problematic. Until when I begin to notice, if I really ask and question myself....I too want to get married to a good husband and build a family. I too have that longing! Hence, I try to suppress the feelings, dismiss them, constantly telling God and myself....this is a TEMPTATION! It is not suppose to be felt....no I should feel completely fine.....

And how do I react? I bury them. I bury the longing, I bury the desire to feel beautiful, I bury everything under piles and piles of ministry work....in the name of doing God's work, and made for a higher call....sounding all spiritual.....because I believe in the faulty belief that the reason why that "TEMPTATION" exist is because we are too free. Spiritually void. Too many free slots to think about stupid, unimportant stuff (yes, I label them as stupid and unimportant). So I dismiss them. Everytime before it surface I just shut it and pray, do the work of God...and tell God to "take away the temptation"....basically I was afraid to fall...so afraid that I wanted to stop being a woman.

Not realizing, that I have slowly dismiss the very reason why I was designed. For relationships.

That is how, I have reacted....as a woman who tries appearing spiritual to suppress the "wrong" "temptation". To me it was wrong. And it can be made gone like any other temptation. My leader, Shirley would have nagged me for being this rigid had I discover this earlier and tell this to her....but seriously. I was really like that. That was my mindset. To an extent, I shut all doors for male friendship....I became judgmental....and will not explore any friendship with MALES unless I am confirm 100% they have no intention. Because I think they are all unnecessary distractions. Shirley many times told me....I am SUPER RIGID!! hahahaa....And she actually asked me why am I like that? I didn't know why too because I just thought it was necessary. And we concluded that it could be because of past hurts. No doubt about that. But more so, recently I noticed, it is also because I dismissed myself being a woman.

I am glad I am learning. Really. Totally. Glad.

Now, what about those who do not have / employ what seems to be a "spiritual solution?"

The truth is this: When girls were younger, they have many other distractions, and they have many activities. But as they grow older, they begin looking for meaningful relationships and friendships. They filter their friends. Because they realize, they cannot pour their attention too much on anyone or anything at all.

But the danger is this....as they notice that meaningful relationships become gradually important, they begin searching for someone in other words to "complete" the longing (not just friendship but a soul mate that makes them feel WHOLE). Which is not right. See it is only natural, and I want to say this because I hope no girls think that they are being desperate. Desperation is not in the longing feeling. Desperation only happens when in response to the longing you do all you can to get someone to fill that space. Or to ACT in response to that longing you feel.

However, Christians women should have no issue in this because they have Jesus to complete them. But why do many ladies feel that longing still? Let me share with you my discovery. This is because we have never seen JESUS as capable to fill that void. Yes, we claim He is all we need, we claim He completes us, He is our Father, He is our Friend, He is our Helper, He is our Counselor, He is our Healer..... but we find it WRONG to see Him as our LOVER!

I am saying this, because I too find myself shrugging at the thought of thinking of Jesus as my lover. Because I felt it is disrespectful. Dysfunctional. How can Someone who is your Father becomes your Lover? That is when we put Jesus in a box. We see Him as only capable of playing one role not the other. But He gives unconditional love. He gives the Agape love which supercedes every kind of love ever exist in the history of mankind. Why can't I allow Him in, in this area of my life?

And that was when I begin to allow Him in, as my lover. Allow Him in to romance me, and even say romantic stuff to Him. Only to notice, I am not very good at it. Hahaha. Good training for me. But good thing is, He accepts me however I am. Romantic or not. However I want to show Him my love, I show Him and He will respond back.

Initially it may feel a little weird. But as You keep allowing Him in to fill that longing, He will eventually be all that you need. Now having said that, I am not saying that being single is sufficient. But you can be a single and not EXPECT any Prince Charming to come by and fill that void. Because Him alone is enough and sufficient. And the saying is true. It is only when you feel COMPLETE you are ready to give in a relationship. And not expect to take and take and take.

Love is about giving. Not the other way round. I personally felt complete in every area of love except for this. Not that I have been searching aggressively to find someone to fulfill all my Eros love, but I notice that in every area of loving, I felt totally whole with Jesus. But in this, I am not. Only to realize, I did not give my heart FULLY to Jesus. I gave every part, but the Eros love part. Because I thought....He cannot fill that. It is just weird to see Jesus as my lover. And I find it bizarre to "layan" Eros love, because to me, that is only distractions. Only to realize....no, it is actually not weird to see Jesus as a lover but absolutely necessary...and of course there must be a reason why Eros love is created by God! How could it be unnecessarily created? That is the reason why in many years down the road longings can evolve to desperation. Because people become in dire need to fill that "emptiness"....and yes....this includes Christian women.

Recently I am feeling a lot of unrest. I kinda feel I am in the process where I am trying to get Jesus out of the box? And to accept Him as my Lover and to see Him as one...unlearning all my fixed rigid mindset, and to see that it is ok to be romanced by Him and vice versa? It is quite a liberation when I am doing that. But the process getting there requires a lot of stepping out of the comfort zone I would say. To challenge my old belief system.

And I was learning to be more comfortable to be a woman again. To admit and say, yea I longed to be romanced too.  Yea I longed to be beautiful. Not just seen as capable...but beautiful. To enjoy who I was made to be. I am still learning to get there. Cos it is honestly hard to change your belief system after so many years!! But yes....I am enjoying to be a real woman again.

And I am awaiting to be romanced by Jesus....every single day. And it is perfectly Ok. It is not a temptation, it is not a distraction. It is just natural.

So my dear women, you can have that longing, and not be desperate. All you need is to do is begin to embrace Jesus as your Lover. And no, it is not suppose to be weird. As much as you allow Him in every area of your life, do the same in this area too. With that, it is only logical and meaningful when we say "Jesus completes me"....Because He does not just play one role in my life. He plays EVERY ROLE :)

Be blessed!

Proving VS Loving

A lot have been going through my thoughts recently.

Thoughts on things I want to do, things I should commit to, things I should stop thinking or worrying about, things I should step out in, things I should reserve, things I should give, things I should let go.

Many times, I wonder why God often give me certain feelings / situations only to allow me to realize there are indeed areas He wants me to work on in life or progress in.

Nonetheless, recently kinda feeling a little overwhelmed, yet at the same time very grateful....its a mix feeling of both. That I have a lot to iron out, yet at the same time I feel blessed. So am I about to burnt out? I was confused awhile.

Then I realized....I am being stretched...being challenged in fact. Challenged in my old ways of thinking, challenged in my old methods of doing stuff, challenged in stepping out from where I was comfortable to be a different person.

And it scares me (in a good way) that I am constantly changing. It is kinda amusing that 5 years from now (or perhaps even 2 years ) everything I felt today may be completely different! I have been analysing a lot lately. Analysing, why do I feel uncomfortable, is God trying to tell me something? Is there more things to breakthrough etc.

Only for God to pull the emergency handbrake and say...
Hazel...Chill lah....WALK ON and stop asking why when how where what at every step you take...

I guess it must have been very tiring for Him to layan me now. Hahaha! Recently I have been mixing a lot with my hometown friends. Last time, I forced myself to hang out with them because my intention was to reach out, to shine for Jesus, to DO SOMETHING.....to proof something

Recently, I noticed a change in my heart. I want to hang out, because I want to learn to love them more. Love them for who they are, be THERE for them in different seasons, be a true friend. I guess, it is a little harder to start all over again at this stage. But necessary.

I guess Christians are that way. Or maybe I am that way. All our lives living trying to proof something, to the people around us, and even to God...when actually God has just made us to be very simple. To enjoy relationship...and then step by faith and believe that when your life is revolving around Him, He will provide the way for you to be a blessing to your community.

I should aim to be a blessing in my course of wanting to get people saved. Not to make them see that I am BETTER than them. My approach was wrong. And I am glad I kinda discovered it now.

Thank You Jesus.


Monday, August 12, 2013

Privileges Like No Other

It has been a few eventful months indeed.

Recently I have been receiving similar "word" from a few people. Shirley, and Agnes told me about a word that God has spoken to me recently with regards to the call God has placed in my life and the things that He wants to deal with this season. And what was amazing was that it was confirmed by Keith during one of the services whereby Pastor was encouraging us to move in the spirit as a church. It was all so accurate!

I mean, if they are people close to me like Agnes and Shirley, God knew I would probably have the itching thought (especially when I am faithless) that tells me....they know me well enough to say the things they say, you know? Probably not exactly the Word from God after all. But when it comes from Keith, someone who isn't that close to me, I knew then that God is leaving NO ROOM for me to doubt.

It is indeed a privilege...



And then, God spoke another word to me about relationships, on some personal struggles. I was reading the book "captivating" and God's word for me literally jumped out from these pages. Shirley then, confirmed it. And then...Miss Phoebe Tan...as she was praying for me one night, had a word from God and confirms it again. And I know then, God is again leaving no ROOM for me to doubt. I am really grateful....Think God is doing much operation to prepare me for something bigger ahead.

It is indeed a privilege....



I remembered clearly on July 30th, as I was sharing my heart with Shirley, then I suddenly felt that a shift is coming....in our church, in our leadership. So I felt really burdened and compelled to fast and pray for this "shift". I told Agnes...and we started our 40 days fast and prayer. 6 days into fasting and praying, the shift came....

Shirley was promoted to be a zone leader, David will be roped in soon to join our zone. The moment I heard this plan, I knew it is gonna be an exciting journey indeed. It excites me even more because I was just fasting about it. I cannot imagine what we can do as a zone...having the power couple with us. Hahaa! (yea...I know I am biased :P). And a  day later, I was given the privilege to lead a subzone in Shirley's zone.

I was excited, nervous, and....kinda felt my whole body weaken. Haha! I knew Shirley never wanted to let me stay in my comfort zone, she would have challenged me one way or another. But as a good mama, she always reminds me this is all for His Kingdom :)...nothing less, nothing more. That very day, I told myself I have to depend on God more than ever. Because self-reliant will only make my head bigger as I become less God-conscious and more self-conscious. There was a time that I was almost promoted a few years back...but I wasn't ready. My attitude wasn't right. I was bitter and critical towards people who had opinions about me.

I love God and His perfect plan. He holds it all back when we squirmed like a kid, whining, complaining. Looking back, I knew clearly I was merely trying to proof myself, couldn't accept critical opinions of others...merely wanting leaders to recognize me as capable and flawless...One word. I was PROUD. And striving. It was never because I wanted to serve God more and love Him in a bigger capacity.

Today...I am still not perfect, but I want to serve Him the best I know how...I am longing to know Him more as I walk with Him in this journey :) I made a prayer that day after Shirley spoke to me...and I hope I will remember this forever.....that my function in the Kingdom of God precedes titles, and if I ever come to a point I forget myself, stripe it all away...Nothing must make me depend on God less. One life.....and I am hoping to have it all written with Jesus :)

I am not perfect, but yet entrusted. What else could this be?
It is indeed a privilege.



So the raya holiday came. And I went home. Truth be told, it wasn't an expected smooth, resting journey. Throughout the raya holiday, and even from the time that I went home the month before, I have noticed many things happening in my family. Things that are heartbreaking, things that really challenged me to step up and shine for Jesus. I acknowledge that these are moments when Jesus will shine brightest.

Many heartbreaking news, and there were even mishaps like major accidents and stuff. I was worried. Literally. And I prayed and prayed for my family. But it was these times that I decided I should not be too passive. Many times, I tried to blend in the background, so that I would not be persecuted? I was more concerned of keeping the peace. But this time round, I just felt, I need to be more outspoken in my act of love for my family. Its times like these my family needs support. I need to BE THERE. I need to be their pillar of strength.

We are a family after all :) Mom and dad decided to pour out more about their concerns and worries (which is very very rare with them!) to me....and I even opened a so-called "clinic" hahahaha! My siblings were asking me about personalities, and marriage and stuff....I am no expert. But I guess, the lessons I have learned in church while counselling so far comes in handy! Did some personality tests with my family members and understood them a little better as well.

Sometimes, I wondered if God will ever come in, zap and just make everyone Christian at home. You know...big miracles, big fire balls kinda stuff. But I guess, God is really testing my faith. To see if I would be willing to trust Him step by step. To not strive to make Him proof Himself. After all, He is God. He is very secure. Why does He need proving proving all? LOL....For many years, I do not see much happening. But this year, I am seeing the windows of opportunities opening up for me to truly share Christ through loving my family.

After all, He is all about LOVE :)

And I began to realize the sacrifices that my parents had made....so so much sacrifices, for their children.....No matter how old we get, they will still give their best to make sure we possess only the best life they can give to us. I am so grateful for that. I can complain about being misunderstood, being persecuted and so forth in the past. But today, I have to say that there is no other family I would rather be born in. This is my family...and they are "perfect" for me despite of the imperfections :)

Thank God for putting me here.
It is indeed a privilege.....


I can never thank God enough for the life that He has put me through. Good times, bad times. Testing times, or faith-filled times....Him....I cannot live without.

You MUST increase....I MUST only decrease.