My roomie has just accepted
CHRIST... did the sinner's prayer
last night...so happy!!..there must
be a grand celebration in heaven
right now...welcome to the FAMILY
OF GOD dearest Miss LONG =) =)
=) and CONGRATULATIONS...in
this beautiful journey with GOD,
we shall walk hand in hand
upholding each other, alright?
Today, i did a mistake…an honest one….it was during worship in cell group that I felt God tugging my heart telling me to ask the cell group to continue worshipping…but I didn’t do anything then because I was thinking to myself, if really God wanted to tell the cell group something, why didn’t He tell it through my cell leader, she is the leader anyway…so I tried suppressing the feeling until when worship ended, and the time of testimony started, I began feeling my heart beating faster and faster…my hands were shaking and I was feeling really overwhelmed…I felt really moved by the Holy Spirit (or so i thought) to tell the cell group about God wanting them to worship Him more…so I attempted to tell my cell leader, but she didn’t react much and tried avoiding the conversation as there were a lot others sharing testimonies that time…and I didn’t thought much that she was trying to indicate that it was not such a right thing to do at that time, I thought she merely just couldn’t understand what I was trying to tell her because my voice was shivering…so I sat back at my seat…and waited for my turn to speak…and when it was my turn…I began to share what I felt…countless time, my cell leader tried to lead me to another topic, but I still couldn’t get what she was trying to say…i was thinking myself…ha?...how come she couldn’t understand what I was trying to say ya?...LOL….and yea…so because I was ignorant to the signs she was trying to give me, I continued sharing….
and after that, she replied my sharing by saying that we were meant to edify one another when the spirit of God moves…however, since I wanted to worship and if it is ok with everyone else, we would continue worshipping….then, when the second session of worship starts, I began to feel something wasn’t right…..so I waited till after the whole sermon ended, I went and confronted my cell leader, asking her if what I had done previously was wrong….she gracefully told me that it was not wrong for me to do that, but rather a mistake…because I did it on the wrong time…she told me that she would be more than willing to continue worshipping if I were to tell her during worship time…but because I suppressed it and waited until the testimony session started to say it, it was not a right time because, God is a God of order…and in 1 corinthians itself, this matter was taught…just perhaps I didn’t know because I was rather ignorant to The Word…because I didn’t know…just imagine if pastor is preaching halfway during a service and suddenly one person from the congregation stood up to say it is time to worship and the sermon should stop, then the church would be quite chaotic and disorganized isn’t it?.....
and perhaps out of guilt for ignoring God’s voice in the beginning have caused me to insist in sharing that then, because I didn’t do it when I was required to…however she repeatedly told me that it was ok because she believed it is a breakthrough for me….that all these happened so I can learn…that I must not rely too much on my feeling or emotions in discerning the movement of Holy Spirit…at that moment I felt so touched because I felt really loved and taken care of…because she was really protecting me when she supported me even when i was wrong then….and at that time also when she told me it was ok to make mistakes and all…I felt so touched that I almost cried because I thought with the mistakes I have done, perhaps she would have viewed me as a different person…at that moment I felt so embarrassed because number 1, I wasn’t aware when she was giving me the signals that it was not so right to do that…number 2, I felt like it was a mistake which should not be committed at all…perhaps this would have make her doubt whether if I am fit to be a leader or not…but no…instead…she kept encouraging me to learn and believe for a breakthrough in it…at that moment I felt so so so grateful that I could be as honest as I can be and just be who I am meant to be, good or bad….in front of her…because I know she would still continue loving me, taking care of me, and molding me no matter what…
After that, I didn’t thought much about this matter…until when I come home from fellowship supper, and I was left alone to think for awhile, the feeling of embarrassment began to cloud my mind again…I began feeling that I have done something wrong in public and people might be viewing me differently…perhaps I might not be able to have a good impression anymore….thank God He sent my Singapore cousin, who is a christian, to minister to me….he told me that I should stop dwelling in my past., let go, and be willing enough to let others learn from my mistakes…and it is not a matter if others look at me in a different way so long as I genuinely change from my mistakes and gain the acceptance of God…that is all that matters…after a long chat, he left…and I began striving to change this feeling of mine…
I began telling my roommate how I was feeling then, and she shared with me something that really opened my eyes to the solution of my problems then…she told me that she used to have a very very embarrassing moment, and she really didn’t want anyone to know about it afraid of the way others might think of her…but she said…as she shared her problems, she felt she was not embarrassed about her past anymore…in fact…she was able to face it as it is….and that was when I had a moment of “eureka”….to face my big giant…the fear of being seen by others as inadequate….i would make myself more vulnerable…I decided to post a blog concerning this….to announce to the public that I indeed have made this mistake (the mistake that I don’t want people to know), I am willing to admit it…and change from it….and then, Kathy was onlining at the right time…she gave me a boost and supported me in this…..in fact Kathy was there, when my cell leader, Shirley was teaching me…..and she told me that she learnt something from what Shirley had shared with me too…and I was really shock and blessed at the same time because I didn’t know that the mistake I thought was my biggest embarrassment actually taught someone something…and I was really amazed with what God can do with little insignificant stuffs like these…
once I decided to write this blog, I felt so relieved and free because I knew I was not held or controlled by my fear anymore…in fact I am taking control and conquering over my fear…and vulnerability indeed is the best way to know that you are broken and You truly need God to come and make your life right….as I started writing this blog, I began feeling how silly I was for dwelling in this petty little matter…it was really nothing big…but I thank God I took time to think about it, because if it was not for that mistake, I would never learn to deal with my fear of not being accepted, emotions controlling, and to do the right thing at the right moment…I believe it is a breakthrough for me….not only in one matter…but several matters…that through this mistakes, truly I have learnt a lot…..just as keith preached in his previous sermon…he said that honest mistakes is ok…but we have to learn from it and not repeat it…and we are to celebrate our mistakes because mistakes truly determines our quality and helps us grow from time to time…and I really felt blessed because finally I understood all these in a deeper manner…
I just felt really grateful to a lot of people during this moment, Kathy, Jan, my cousin, my roommate, and especially Shirley….because I know now that I have a great family….who will accept me inside out, good or bad as I am…family who will constantly remind me and correct me of my mistakes….family who do not condemn me or make mistakes a big deal and assume it is a disgrace and shame for them…a family who will uphold me from time to time….
and truly as keith said…mistakes are mistakes….mistakes are the things you do….not who you are…and we should indeed celebrate mistakes…because you never know how it can bless others and what you can really learn from it…and today….this blog is posted…..not only to edify others…but for myself to grow and learn to overcome my weaknesses…because when I am not afraid to be vulnerable, I am more courageous in overcoming my biggest fear….i believe a great breakthrough is indeed coming….and truly truly…i am not perfect, i cannot be perfect as much as i strive to be...i am truly broken….and i need God…i really do =) ….i hope this sharing right here…can really bless someone in their daily walk with God and also in whatever they are doing….
Indeed, do not sleep with your mistakes….