Saturday, April 19, 2014

Breakfast with Esther

Slept so late last night...thought I would probably zoned out while having breakfast with Esther.

Esther is a girl whom Phoebe introduced to me. One of her best friends. When I picked her from her office...that one ride to Jesus Culture concert...we felt immediately clicked in the spirit. This is what I described as divine connection.

So we scheduled for a breakfast after my semester (by now I should be done with assignments but I haven't...so was in quite a lot of worries).

But really, divine connection is always beautiful. I never regretted this breakfast. In fact, God spoke to me during breakfast. It was so awesome...we ended our breakfast time with a very high note...

sharing a lot of things, about lives, how we go through relationships, how God brought the man of God into her life etc....
Her life story was rather similar to mine....

So yesterday I was going through the whole ordeal of struggles of ups and downs....in the hype of miracles, at the same time seems like a lot of ugly things were about to be let out from the can of worms...

Then Esther shared....she was in the exact same season.
And she said this....that God is dealing with her character and her fundamentals. Even put a man of God (her current boyfriend) to help her build this fundamentals. Because of one reason only....

He wants us to be unshaken. By the wind and the waves beneath our feet.
We are heirs, but an underage heir will still be ruled under the reign of the world. But an heir who is of age will know his position. An heir with FAITH will take on everything that is in future, the promise, and draw it to ourselves.

Galatians 4: 2-7

We are to build our fundamentals strong. And it hit me when she said that. A lot of time we are engross with the big call and so forth...and we want to go there....but then God is pushing me to the corner now...saying...Hazel..deal with these fundamentals...deal with these fears....read your bible, pray, seek me, grow grow grow.....your fundamentals and characters are what will sustain you in the long run...in the call I have for you...

1 Peter 1:3-7

So what is God doing in my life now? In the midst of all these victories and freedoms, and in the midst of these struggles....I began to realize, I need so much more of God...I need that ROOT...I need to face and see all my weaknesses and began to build my fundamentals.

Thank you, Esther. Your sharing is such a blessing to me.

Thank You, Daddy...for divine connections. I am building on it. It is gonna be tough....but I want to build my faith to a point that it is unshakable.
 All for You, Daddy....All or nothing....ALL for You....


Struggle in the midst of Freedom

Things have been very different in my life lately. I have had a lot of encounters with God, a lot of divine moments, miracles so on and so forth....Life was pretty amazing.
But it was also these times, that I find myself having my identity being questioned from within again and again. Have been sharing this with Charis Lian and Phoebe...

Well...both of them said the same thing. "Somebody" is obviously not happy with my progress and is trying to bring in much doubts and etc.

I understand the concept really. But yea, this is not a "new" scenario. They are "old friends" or rather...the "old enemies" who has been silent for quite awhile now. Now coming back...the one that question my self-esteem and self worth....the battle that could possibly be my personal lifelong battle.....I recognized them attempting to take over my mind and ears again.

This season, I find many things causing me to rethink and rethink...of the decision I have made. So I have decided to be different in the pursuit of the heart of my Father. That invite some different opinions which is quite common, or so it seems to me? Nobody said it in my face really.

Nonetheless, my identity-questioning cycle begun. And I have the ups and downs of feeling good and bad etc.....And made decisions, said things that I regret....trying to justify my feelings that it is ok...it is all an "attack"....Justification after justification of trying to make myself feel better. I actually consciously watch how I was affected by many little circumstances, comments, decisions...

So I came to an end of myself today. I prayed....and I said....God....take away this feeling please! I don't want to question, I don't want to doubt, I don't want to have this struggle. I know what I want....and I don't want to exchange that for anything, but why do I still have such struggles?

I asked God....why Daddy....
I have been so in love with You. And now, why all these identity questioning voices that is making me frustrated
and I have been trying so hard to make myself feel better and I said stuff and even justify with ways that I am not even proud of.

What happened? I just want to be madly deeply in love with You.

Silence....

Then a still small voice came: perfect love cast out all fears....

Perfect LOVE cast out all fears
In the midst of me taking risk, as I make decisions to be undignified before God, as small subtle reactions brought back the common fear that I have been battling my lifetime...

Fear of opinion of men, which I have always allowed to define my identity for the past 20 over years.

As I became clearer this season how these voices are not from God, I recognize the target of the enemy was my identity.....I wrestled with this feelings...and tried so many ways to make myself feel better...ways that possibly cause detrimental effects....because I was trying so hard
What was missing....I did not involve God in my battle.

As I just prayed...and allowed the silence to grow louder....I can almost feel His embrace, and Him saying...."child, my yolk is easy and my burden is light....you don't even need to wrestle. You just need to rest in me. Let me take over. Perfect love comes...fear will leave"

I want to live abandoned, Daddy. I really want it. I really want it. I know it is gonna cause a lot of turmoil of struggles as I draw closer with You.....But I really want to live abandoned. And I don't want to exchange this for anything at all.....

I cried so so much as I listened to this worship song.

 

Freedom in my Spirit. Freedom in His love......All or nothing....Deep deep deep....

Today I learned that victory  and freedom doesn't come without a price. Almost always victory and freedom couple with a struggle from within. And that is when we are tested in our dependency. If you even take credit or glory for anything, you will take responsibility to fight the struggle

But when you don't take any glory for yourself...you will understand nothing belongs to you and the fight belongs to God. Just live abandoned and surrender...to just be filled and let Him take that fear away. No formula. No struggle.

Test my faith, my trust, my dependency.....Help me in my unbelief. Refine me with fire....Lord, let me live abandoned for You. All or nothing.

More Lord...More.....only You....

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

What's your response?

Many are called but few are chosen.

We are all called. But how do we become the chosen? It lies in our response to the call of God.

Today, I want to mark this in my calendar as a significant date.
Today, I want to remember the promises I've made
Today, I want to remember the times when I felt so sold out.
Today, I want to remember the times I want to give it all to You in exchange of all of You
Today, I want to just have YOU. and that's all I want.. YOU....alone. 
Today, I dedicate this post to You, Daddy.


My answer is YES

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!
YYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES!!!
YES!!!
YES!!!

Come consume me. 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Kingdom Invasion 2014 - A major turning point

It has been a miraculous month discovering God's love again and again.

Many knew I went to Kingdom Invasion by miracle. And before that I was rushing my assignments like mad....trying to finish up major assignment so that I can enjoy the conference. But the fact is, I cannot. There is just too much to be done. And I was thinking maybe I need to complete the assignments every night in Kingdom Invasion.

So I skipped class the day I was suppose to fly, just to complete assignment.

Miracle happened, again....

My major assignment got delayed to one week later. And another major assignment that is to be due the same week, delay a week as well. And graded exercise in class was also delayed to two weeks later.

It was really awesome. Miracle happened even before I was there....And I heard God telling me: Just enjoy the conference. Don't need to rush your assignments. I want you to encounter me.

And even before the conference started, I had the privilege to join DASH to a seminar by Jim Yost, someone who changed Papua by just obeying God, and impacting one life at a time. Its about discipling others to disciple and no need recognition of the founder. As organic as can be. And it impacted me because I begin to realize how God can move in daily routines.....and how God has been good to him healing him from death...again and again

So I was prepared.

So I went there with so much expectations knowing that God must have something really important to show me to make all these miracles happened even before I arrived.



So I went there....first session itself, I felt so much of the presence of God. I learned to be undignified in the presence of God....kneeling, sobbing, crying....

One thing amazing about these speakers, they do not have powerful words that tickle your ears....but EVERY ONE OF THEM carried such a strong presence of God. It amazes me how each of them are doing so many great works in the Kingdom...but yet when they come before God, they are all as a child....really worshipping Him, soak in His love...and because of that, they brought us into the presence of God again and again and again.

Deliverance and healing happened as worship session, preaching was going on. It was so awesome. And I have never sobbed so much in my life, feeling the love of God outpouring over me for such a long time. So much like a damp broke open...and I cannot contain.....

And these speakers are so so humble. Every one of them sat in every session even though it is not theirs. And when they go onstage they will edify one another. How they want to be like one another. Such appreciation for the divine connection. And the hunger of not wanting to miss out what God is doing. So they sat in sensing God's move in every other session....and I even saw Heidi Baker sat on the floor worshipping God with the crowd....just being so undignified. Such humility.....How they honor their divine connections....I want to be like that. Fact is we are NOBODY deserving of better honor but just vessels of God. We ought to live a life that honor every single person around us so we would not miss out on the miracles that God may use them to manifest in our lives. Bill Johnson said that. Amen!

Bill Johnson, the Shakespeare of our time spoke many one liners (honestly I cannot catch up with writing notes), as he expound so perfectly articulated ideas of what God has been impressing in some of our hearts, but yet we cannot verbalize it. How change of nations come from the grassroot, how we impact culture by impact that one person who is at the top down....but revolution almost always come from the grassroot. It makes revival and revolution possible for everyone.

And how we can grab what God has in store and promise in the future for us....to present....if we are aware of the promise, we can make that promise come to pass NOW. If God doesn't want us to ask for it, He would have blinded our eyes to it. This just opened up an entire dimension of impossibilities to me....And I began to cry out to God for our nation.

I learned about how in the Kingdom every division and walls must come down. And to bring the Kingdom of God here, to bring down heaven to earth, all we need to do is fall deeper and deeper and deeper in love with God. The more you know the Father, the more you want to do what's the Father's will....what's in His heart.

You can't help but to be consumedddddd......and when you are consumed.....you are not afraid to sacrifice and pay the price for your call. I was praying and praying and crying....because God just came. and God spoke. No fancy altar calls....God just came...and God spoke to everyone individually.

Final day of the conference marked a very important moment of my life. James Goll was preaching. He is also another man...whom go crazy before God. Halfway preaching he can go singing led by the Holy Spirit, even when his stories are half hanging. Haha. His wife said he has a ministry of insanity because people feel sane standing beside him :P....but honestly each time he sings, the presence of God just dropped in. Like BOOM!!

And halfway preaching as usual....without any link or expectation, he suddenly said this:
There are people here who are called to combat sex trafficking in your  nation. If you feel that is the call of God for you...stand up now.

So I stood up. And he began praying for greater authority over darkness...and for the first time ever since I was saved.....I sob and wept and shook like crazy!! I cannot control my hands or my legs....I was overpowered and overwhelmed....

And then he continued......
There is a kingpin in the nation of Malaysia....he is coming to Christ.....stay alert...
As I heard that I wept even more and shook even more. Out of 35 nations....Malaysia was mentioned. And I told God....God...this is too huge...too big....too impossible. I cannot help but to only walk when You tell me to. I cannot but to obey. I need YOU!!!

So I cried...and I spent more time with God. That was when God spoke so much to me. He reminded me of how I should love brothers and sisters in Christ. To bring His Kingdom, I must first deal with my heart to love those who are different in values and not judge. In His Kingdom there is no division (this was what He impressed in my heart and got confirmed over and over again since the first day of conference).

Then God reminded me to go deeper with Him. Because if I don't go deeper, I will never step out to bring miracles down. So I need to fall in love with Him, be consumed.
I told God, if it takes being consumed to be changed and be willing to pay the price....please let me come into a position where I would be consumed every single day....I don't want to miss out or lose out Your move...And I don't want to lose the love while I minister.



Heidi Baker is another amazing woman....she is so in love with God. When God speaks...she didn't even contend or doubt. She just said OK.

And I told God....I want that kind of relationship and trust with You. Final session with Heidi Baker I received the joy of the spirit and cannot stop laughing. All because Miss Phoebe who had it first touched me twice! Hahaha. But its so awesome!!! Like something stirring in the tummy hahahahaa

I just watched compelled by love - Heidi Baker's story two days ago. I wept and wept. Sob and sob....The price to pay is huge...I thought to myself. And I have many things that held me back. Greatest struggle was my family. They are not christian and will never understand why I need to give so much love knowing that the world may take it for granted and trampled it on the ground?

They love me I know...and I know in honoring my parents, I am not suppose to make them worried. But then again, this is my call. And I want to be where my Father wants me to be. So I cried and cried....because I really want that.....that childlike love relationship with God like Heidi Baker. To an extent I will pay any price. But yet, what about my family?

So two days ago, Emily, the prophetess texted me. And she said she had a drawing for me. Summary of the drawing, is about God reminding me He will take care of my family as I become a sold out lover for him. And the name of the drawing is: Sold Out Lover....

What are the odds????? I was just praying about falling in love and being sold out the day before. And I was worried about my family who has not known God or understand my values....and that piece of art came as a reminder to me....

Thank You, Jesus. Yes....I am saying Yes....

Yes yes yes yes yes....to whatever You want me to do.

YESSS!!!!

And so, I noticed many of these amazing people faced death threats and even death itself (sicknesses) time after time again. Yet there are still sold out. Will I be bold enough to be where they are at? I don't know honestly....but I want to be able to come to the point that I can....be at the face of death, yet so sure that my God will take care of everything. That much trust and faith..I need to go deeper....


Oh.....and recently, most of us who have been in Kingdom Invasion stepped out in church...to be undignified worshippers of God, and to also learn to pray for healing because we believe God wants to love people. This is not about proving anything for God, but just about loving people. Atmosphere change. And so many people got healed. I felt so overcome and overwhelmed by Daddy..

Daddy, You are awesome, You know that?

And many more answers I received...things I have been fasting and praying for (in my 40 days Fast and Prayer)......SO MANY things answered. Will reveal in due time.

It has been an awesome spiritual week. Even as I was doing assignment I kept praying. I hope my assignments will unveil His glory. I don't know how, but I believe He can do things I cannot do. So yay!!

Also Jim Yost and these KI preachers made me realize, it is possible to serve God, sold out for Him...yet your family as they pay the price...will also be sold out for Jesus as well. I used to be worried that I need to let go of many things in the call when I have kids...and I don't know what's the balance of it. Watching these examples give me a lot of comfort and peace. I guess, God will guide...and He will never shortchange us when we give our best to love Him...I am really comforted by that ^^

Kingdom Invasion marked another huge turning point for me as a Christian. I want to rewind go back and again and again encountered God. But then again, I can do it here. I want to go kiddish and cray cray with my Daddy!!

That's all! COMPELLED and CONSUMED. Forever and ever and ever. Amen.
Let Your Kingdom come...Your will be done...ON EARTH as it is in heaven....