Monday, March 20, 2017

The Man Of My Prayer

There is a story I rarely speak of....and in my recent conversations questions related surfaced more than before.

"Have you really sit down,  and thought it through?" they asked.

See, I am about to marry a man who has committed his life to the nation. There were mixed responses from well meaning relatives and friends. "You'd better consider this properly," they emphasized. "It's not as fun as u think!"

Some were worried about my future, that life might be harsh to me. Others thought it would be a glamorous place to be in and painted a life that's full of positive possibilities.

Honestly, when kelvin first decided on this, I went through a period of  emotional roller coaster. On one hand I'm glad he had such opportunity, but on the other hand fearful of the challenges that may come with it.

We spent a lot of time praying, seeking, searching and grasping for answers, attempting to sort out all uncertainties....even questioning, are we cut out to be together as a couple? Should we break off the relationship before it is too late?

Recalling the many conversations I had with different individuals in search for a clear fearful and intolerable of the uncertainties.  Noone I knew then (not even kelvin) could give me satisfactory advices, simply because it wasn't a common dilemma. And the search became increasingly frustrating with time.

Then an eureka moment happened, when I realized that the preoccupation of the unknown has become a killjoy. And that it is enough to make a decision to the best of my ability according to what I know in the here and now. It's impossible to plan for something that we don't know and that would only hinder me from fully enjoying my too much power to fear of uncertainties.

And the peace each attempt of us sitting down to discuss....the confidence grew.  Not because he had more answers. But because I gradually become surer that he is the man I want to spend my life with. And here we are.  About to seal the deal to a future together.

If you ask me...Am I still afraid? Very much.  Yet excited. The trust and the confidence in the process grew. Simply because we both began to own the decision...It was a conscious decision we BOTH made equally as individuals for this season. No arms were twisted.. 

I still think about the uncertainties and the possible challenges I may face in this journey. I think that's only human. Which is why each step requires more faith. The struggle within only grew stronger as reality inches closer. Truth be told...we are not very accustomed to what's in store in "that" world. But yet, having each other's support is the greatest certainty for now.

Worshipping tonight at a concert,  I was reminded of the prayers I make..this was the man I prayed for, waited and fasted for before I even knew his existence. A man that would understand what it means to have a dream and who would sacrifice for it..

Today...I am also reminded of the commitment I once made to the nations before I knew Kelvin. And how when I met him, I admired his tenacity and brilliant ideas....and when he finally pursued this dream, I remembered feeling proud because he is not just a man who talks...but walk the talk.

 And the feeling I one with overwhelming gratefulness.  I am privileged to be able to be his support. I am privileged because I'm given the chance to experience a rare moment in making a difference for our nation.

And more than that, I am privileged because he is not just a man who would fight for this nation to the best he know how. But who had fought for me again and again. :)

And that is more than enough for now.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016


Just saw the video of #DearYoungerSelf by Jubilee Project. Inspired by it. Writing to your younger self could potentially teach you how to live for what counts in future.

Thought I should write to my younger self too. Here goes nothing.

Dear beautiful Szee,

You were beautiful, are beautiful and will always be beautiful. In case you didn't know I need to tell you why. Because your heart is truly beautiful. You will be afraid to make mistakes because you have been taught that mistakes are fatal. And you are afraid to hurt others. You felt like a disappointment each time you make mistakes. And honestly Szee, this would be something you will struggle with throughout growing up. But it is OK, and it is fine. Mistakes did not kill you, it is not fatal. In fact, these are the things that makes you wiser, bolder and surer about who you are...You have a beautiful spirit. Nobody can restrain that free spirit within you. And that's what makes you so special. That's what make many love you, admire you, get inspired by you and believe in you. Deep down you know what's best. Trust your heart. Trust that voice. And even if it makes you fall, that's OK. It only makes you stronger.

Many would tell you what you are believing in is wrong. Many would not believe in you along the way, bruise you, shrug at you, make you feel rejected, and hurl mean remarks about you, and many would misunderstand you....even your loved ones. They would think you are naive, they would think you do not know the risks of life.....But keep pure that way... Keep believing in that free spirit from within, the one that constantly seeks for what is true and congruent to you. You WILL find your way. And remember this, much as you always struggle and felt that you have not forget that you always have the kindest intentions.

You will become successful in your own ways. And your parents will be proud of you. Many a times when you disappoint loved ones, you felt you have failed God. But no, did not. God loves your free spirit. And He adores you for being that way. Your future partner will adore you for your free spirit, your parents will grow to understand your free spirit, and those who took time to sit down, speak to you, understand you (not judge you), will believe in you. So don't you think less of yourself.

You will find strangers who will build bridges for you because they believe in you. And people believe in you simply because you believe in goodness. That spirit is just contagious! Don't let anyone convince you to stop believing in goodness. The world will try to rob you out of that....but Szee....don't let anyone dull your sparkle. You will shine....and in your own time, you will grow to be such an amazing woman. To others, you are not up to the standard of a successful person defined by this world, you may not be up to par as others in the way you take care of your health....but it is fine. You will learn it. You will grow to love eating oats with time, cutting fruits for yourself, learning how to cook, and different ways of saving up money. You will learn that wedding does not have to be extravagant...but love has to be!

You are not a bad person just because you are not developed in certain things yet. Remember, you will be very well-advanced in other areas. Other areas, that others may have overlooked in grooming, but is so important in finding yourself. So don't stop believing in yourself. Don't stop pursuing what you believe in. You will doubt a lot. But that's ok. It makes you plan...and it will make you become the woman you are meant to be. And that is who you are. Your awareness will make you act and do something. Don't fret. You are not messing life up. You will learn to take care of yourself because you finally understand the value of it. And that's OK. It's not too late. You are not "not good enough" because you are not as skilled as others in certain areas. You develop different areas first compared to others, and that is completely fine.

Remember to really love your mother and father, Szee. They will need you a lot later on. Learn to appreciate them. Because even though you may not feel that they believe in you....they will one day. When you grow up, and when they see that you come to achieve all that you say you will achieve, and when they hear you speak...they will. And they will start believing in you. No doubt they will worry....but they WILL believe in you because you believe in goodness. You will be their pride. Simply because they see how much you grow. And more than that, will find so many people who believe in you. who you are. When you grow up, you wouldn't want to change a thing. Because all that made you an amazing person. Those who believed in you saw the sparkle when you couldn't, remember? And you will learn to see that yourself soon. That free spirit, that pure heart, that belief in goodness. One day, an amazing young man would pursue you just because of that. Your heart. So don't stop investing in your heart. Don't stop. And although it is difficult....and you will struggle with this even when you grow up....try to remind yourself to not live for the expectations of others. You always believe in that free spirit. You may struggle...but at the end of the day you always choose what you feel is good and kind and free. You follow your a free spirit.

Remember to let it continue to thrive in what you believe in. Trust your guts. Live on the edge. Love extravagantly. You will hurt. But you will grow up to be just fine. You will feel insecure, but it is through those times that you will also learn what it means to love unconditionally. Step by step. Don't despise your insecurities. They help you grow up. Don't stop believing in love. Believe in yourself. Many will. Along the way more and more. And I do too. I believe in you. I wished I did and I could tell you this earlier. I am really proud of you.

If you forget, I wanna help you have SURVIVED so many hard times, and gained so many precious relationships. You will make it :) You always make it. And will always do well in your very own way.

Don't change a thing. I love your heart. And I love all that you are right now. Stay beautiful, girl. :) Seize the present, your here and now!

Your future self :)

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Do you know Jesus' concerns?

It has been a tough journey. But I am learning to speak the right words and laugh at all the lies of the enemies. That has been the key to overcoming so many events that happened recently. His grace indeed is enough.

See, when I first signed up for this course, I thought it was about me equipping myself for a call God has for me. The human trafficking sphere in need of God's soldier to answer and meet needs. So I put both hands and feet up high and say...."here God here! Send me!....Hazel is here to rescue!!"

But Pastor Pat was right. I thought I had a dream and ...yayy....but little did I know...that was just the beginning of all the problems.

There were many resistances apart from financial restrains and other personal matters I am dealing with. At one point, I was considering if quitting the course and start to fend for myself would be a better option to relieve financial burdens. Thesis topic seem impossible when I could not access any sex workers or trafficked victims initially (yes, that's what I intend to do with my Masters thesis), because they are my main population for my thesis. And placement in a good hospital seem to be bleak as HKL was not open for HELP students to come in, and I am left to choose from Sg Buloh and Kajang Hospital. But Kajang has very few clinical cases to experience, only mostly assessment cases (i.e. IQ test, ADHD test etc), which was not what I had in mind. I intend to experience working with psychotic patients and etc.... and Sg Buloh is left with ONE spot as one of my friend was already accepted since early this year (only 2 places). BUT......God saved the day. Every one of them resolved right at the dot. Not too early, not too late.  

God knew me better than that. The entire course, one of the biggest struggle I face is to not just juggle with the stress of the demandingness of the course, but the explosion of self awareness. We are trained to be self-aware -- key to minimize harm to our clients during session (knowing what triggers us, and which are client's problem, which are ours) an extent I notice so much about myself.

And that is when I knew God true purpose for this course. It was for me. So I thought He was sending me into the course to equip me for what burdens my heart. But the truth of the matter is...He was more concerned about ME. Not what I can offer. 

One of them happened last week -- I have been going through a lot of anxiety, because I went into hospital Sg Buloh for the first time last Tuesday...and realize that the specialist wasn't expecting me (they only wanted ONE trainee, which my friend already gotten the spot since January)....miscomm between him and my supervisor. But long story short, at the end he decided to keep me because I can speak mandarin and there are many Chinese patients. Hallelujah!! For one of the very few times in life, I am really really glad that my "setengah tong" of mandarin and hokkien are assets. 

With that, I felt rather  unwelcomed, as the HOD was doing me a favor in that sense. So I felt a little ignored etc. Knowing that politics exist in hospital...I began to try to "impress" nurses etc even on the second visit to the hospital (I haven't even start practicum yet), just to ensure that my life in hospital won't be hell.

But little did I know, that it became my main focus. All I spoke about (Kelvin can be the witness...) is about how to make sure that I won't make mistake and to make a good impression during my visits. Patients well being...suddenly become a distant memory. Poor Kelvin have a tough time reminding me of what are my purposes doing this course in the first place. So I began asking myself....why am I in Hospital Sg Buloh? was just to ensure I can graduate with a good name, and everyone likes me. It is not about learning my best so I am equipped enough for my patients.

Realizing that, last Wednesday, I broke down in front of Kelvin. And I told him....I don't know why am I staying in this course anymore. It felt so selfish. I am living in fear and most of the time its a revelation hours later....Is this really for God, or for me? Its about getting good grades, being accepted, being liked. If I am going to be like that, I will quit this course. Because it is no longer for the right reasons (emotional words definitely...hahha).

But that very moment, I began to evaluate the content of my heart. What was the original reason I signed up. And what made me divert from the original purpose? What fear? What's my beliefs about rejections? in Jesus' kingdom, and living by His governing law, is not easy...not natural for the flesh. Tendency is to sway and be selfish, be defensive...even though it seems to be convincing to the world and to myself, that I am doing it for God. For Jesus. To make Him famous. When I am seen as "capable" to others, I am worthy, making Jesus proud, and famous, representing Him well! Yeah! So Christ-centered right? ~ sadly, it was just a selfish facet. I was ABSOLUTELY wrong. 

That was NEVER His concern. That was MY concern. Because deep down the ugly truth is, if the world sees me, then I am important enough to tell people about Jesus. So I came first. Jesus came second. Unconsciously I m still living to the notion of the past, whereby, doing well, means making your parents proud. 

Reading two articles about Jesus during Easter hit me this week. Can I be secure even from a position of a minority to representing His heart? It is about knowing His heart...His heart is never about needing a name blared loudly about Him. He is not that narcissistic. I made Him look narcissistic. He loves people for people. Genuinely. Period. That's it. Not for fame. And I have over and over misrepresented Him. 

I have been in this journey of faith for 10 over years. Yet I am still struggling in my flesh and sometimes overcomplicate and misunderstand His heart entirely. But I want to be different. I want to represent the true content of His heart. Love. Period. And the ugly truth is, it is still a struggle. I am not there yet. I am still in this journey challenging myself to breakthrough in all these self-focus statements and actions. Jesus HAS to be in the picture. I realize moments when I am fearful, I only thought about myself, and my needs. 

Practicum started in the hospital for me. And I really want to represent His heart. More than ever, I need to be dependent on Him. I need to be broken from these chains....and only draw from the RIVER of living water. That's where I belong. Not in the prison of materialism.

Knowing my Abba now.....I am clear and glad that I am exactly where He wants me to be right now. this place of struggle, and a place where I constantly draw closer and closer to Him. Does He need me to be perfect? No.....I need me to be perfect. Not Him. He is happy with me......even in my struggle and my shortcomings. And knowing who Daddy loves, humbles me courage and grace to love others and especially the faces of shortcomings.

And honestly, this LOVE in the faces of shortcomings (yes, even toward myself) is a dynamite...a weapon of destruction deploy for all lies. 

I wish I can make the world see how powerful this is. Because in all honesty, I am not perfect, but realizing this, have given me so much strength. I wish you can come to see this. If you haven't...I pray that God will reveal to you.

Past three days I have been in hospital with psychiatric patients. And this realization of how I have been misrepresenting God, and really....who He is, totally turn me around. I stopped striving, and I walk around confidently even amongst psychiatric patients who rambles senselessly some disconnected stories.....I found my heart soften every single time I look them in the eye.

Suddenly, "me" and "all my circumstances" microsized. The focus change. Because I KNOW, my Father takes care of me, and all my needs no matter what. It was never about equipping me for a greater cause. He is not concerned about how well I can handle the issues of the world. He is concerned about me. My well being and how much He loves me. I know this may sound crazy, but in all the turmoils I face, I cannot help but feel SO EXTRAVAGANTLY LOVED...

And it is out of this love (that we often time forget as human beings - FORGETFUL human beings), is where your heart melts for everything that moves His heart. It is not about being equipped for a work. Nothing is work when you have so much love. When you understand and see how much He loves you and still pursues you, you see how much He loves and pursues just can't help but see Him in everything. And because He loves these patients a lot, I can't help but love who my Daddy loves....

So you see, I thought I signed up to be equipped. But instead, I signed up for an unexpected journey of self-discovery, because My Daddy is just so in love with me.

I wish the world sees....

P/S: These are the articles I was talking about earlier. Worth reading!

Saturday, October 25, 2014


It is enough!!!

I want to shout this at the top of my lungs because this is just so liberating.
It is enough!

Enough of the times when I am demotivated by circumstances with my loved ones robbing away my joy and passion.
Enough of the times I feel so discouraged and affected by the ongoings and then amplifying it to my current situation.
Enough of the times I only focus on what is negative and forget about thanksgiving.
Enough of the times being preoccupied with what's not....instead of what is.
Enough of the times I strangle myself for not being to meet certain expectations, trying to be all competent.
Enough of the times of trying to be strong when I am not, believing that it is necessary to be the emotionless pillar to my loved ones.
Enough of the times I feel I need to focus my energy on solving the issues in my life when all I needed to do is surrendering to You.
Enough of the times I tell myself I need more energy to attend to the circumstances in my own life depriving this energy from what I am passionate about, what I was called to do.
Enough of the times I feel so insecure trying to find security elsewhere, when all I need is to just run into Your secure embrace.

Vulnerability is not weakness. IT IS STRENGTH!!
Insecurity comes. Pain surfaces. Fear overwhelms. Disappointments are inevitable. Expectations may get trampled. Circumstances grew bigger by day. Nothing is within my control. Future is terrifying.

Yet.....MY JESUS IS ON THE THRONE. Can you beat that?!?!?!!
Victory is ALREADY MINE!! Get it? HAHAHA!!

To anything that is trying to rob the joy and love in Jesus....make people believe that we need to do something, and take matters to our own hand....Listen up!

I am waging a war against you.
The children of God is waging a war against you!!


And so I will look to Jesus even more!
I will pursue my passion even more!
I will be soak in His love even more!
I will sing His praises even more!
I will burrow into His heart even more!
I will proclaim His promises over my family even more!
I will proclaim His promises over my future even more!


When I take matters into my own hand, I am fearful
But when I TRUST HIM......the fear vanishes. I acknowledge His power and seating on the throne....that I am His daughter and He has for me the best interest in His heart....

Come what may.....even if it means I lose all that I love.....I know Daddy's ever-pursuing love surpasses it all. And I will never be lack of it....and that is ENOUGH! :)

*dance. skip. twirl. wiggle*
So thankful. So blessed. I am falling in love with Him even more. Owh...~ And yes...I will BUILD YOUR CHURCH on this Rock....and the Gates of Hades shall not prevail against it!!! I will build those You have placed under my care. Because this is YOUR CHURCH!

When we declare it is enough.....The quiet whispers of longing grew louder and turned into a battle cry. Every war that we wage against the situations in our lives with Jesus - Our God is He who fights for us :) It is DONE. We've won!! Period.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Women and Inevitable Insecurities

I guess I am in a journey whereby God is moulding me, and also allowing me to see the many things in life that I need to take note of in order to run the long journey ahead. I am beginning to see why God allow me to have a relationship at this point...during my time of preparation for a calling He has prepared for me.....this relationship is also a preparation.

In the relationship, even though it has only been a month and a little more, many things have surfaced within. Mainly insecurities. Not to say that Kelvin hasn't been trying his best to be secure to me, but more so of me needing to battle the past that I have been through. I tell much as you thought you have overcome so much....then you enter a new experience, to find out, there are still more things to overcome. Even if your partner may have fulfilled 90 percent of what a good partner should, you will still linger on the 10 percent. Well, as David Oh once said....God focuses on all that we can have, but the devil focuses on the ONE we cannot have. So true!

Life is indeed...full of overcoming...and there will never be a time you don't need breakthroughs anymore. Sometimes, I feel tired....but then again, it only shows me one thing....I need to stop depending on myself...and start depending on Him. Over and over this had been proclaimed....but there will be situations after situations in life that you notice you have to keep surrendering again and by one. But rest only gets easier with time :) ...Because from past record, you know you were never shortchanged when you surrendered.

so....what conrtibuted to my insecurities? Past in my family, stories of the many counseling issues, fears that were planted by words of my parents, even in my past relationship....Like it or not, we are all total sum of our background, histories, and experiences. There were many hurts, betrayed, feelings that caused me to feel really doubtful that things can be promising without any effort. And what is effort on my part? Doubts. If I doubt enough, to be cautious enough....then things may be under control?

I knew I was wrong the moment this statement came up. Because I was convicted. And I am grateful He is showing me how these could have been detrimental. Because in the long run, if I am not secure enough, it could affect ministry. When there are more reasons for suspicions....without security, and knowing my may shaken the entire relationship and ministry...I am glad the preparations started while we are in the equipping season...not when we are there and we have to deal with the real thing. If not settled now, the enemy is going to use that one thing against us and to cripple us. I am so determined to set him on fire now. hahahaha! Like literally, this is WAR! RAR!

Hence this time round, I tried....not suppressing, but learning to trust. Learning to let go....and not question, even though my entire being is itching and wondering. HAHA! Kelvin has always asked me to question because he wants to assure me....Well, I am not letting suspicions have the last say. Refusing to feed it....and be effortful in ensuring that insecurity do not take over. When insecurity creeps in, it leaks. And I know....what happens then? The mind will wander and begin to pick on certain parts of life wondering and wondering...why this happened?...what's the reason?.....could the reason be that simple? Is there more?...

What if this, what if that....what ifs after what ifs that never happened. But it crippled my ability to step in a little deeper.

I guess you can say is a trait that runs in my family. They are generally very suspicious people....Or very chinese mindset who thinks the world is out there to suck out all the good from benefit from you and be parasites.... And they often go to the extremes of worst case scenario. Come to think of it, it is be quite sad....because you don't live by faith, you don't hold on to the possibilities of hope. Anything good is good. Anything"I knew it"....I have always commented on how "without hope" family members can sometimes be that they are afraid of people taking advantage of them all the time, lacking of trust....but then I find myself falling into the same trap...only thing different is the scenarios

So I have been thinking lately....and I noticed, as I was reminiscing the conversations I have with some girls....seemed like the "suspicion" period is inevitable in today's society. It is in the moment where the girl is still deciding whether should I plunge in completely and just trust....or is there any "red alert" signs that I need to ensure I am not too blind to see it at this point....some girls do it their whole lives...afraid may be cheated if let off guard....that is quite sad isn't it? I don't want that in all honesty.

I am a child of God. My partner is a child of God. We are better than that, we are not affected by the world's standard. That is what we aim to be. But issues are real, experiences are real....that is why...breakthrough is inevitable. So what do I do when insecurity creeps in to pinpoint the little little things that weren't align with your own belief system? I mean come matter how similar two people can be, they grew up in different backgrounds, it is difficult to completely just understand someone....

So what happens then? Learn to dance with Jesus :) And remember He holds the key to your happiness...not anything else. Not the "perfection" of what expect to have. In fact....I have always been a perfectionist. In my pastoral care, in my studies, work...everything....time to cut myself some slack...and do others a favor by cutting theirs too :))

So my friends, imperfection even as leaders, as you embark on the journey of discovery of who you truly not the end. Beyond discovery, is total surrender, trust again and again.

Insecurity is experienced by many women...mainly because of disappointments with men and father figures of the current time.....but it is really not the end. Find a godly man...A godly relationship helps you realize these things, breakthrough, and become more secure in God...which in turn will help you grow secure with each other. God first. Then each other :)

I won't say I have totally overcome this....but I am getting there. Because I refuse to be in the enemy's ploy. There. Declaring means have to work on it no matter what. Hehe.

What about you? Would you allow your women's insecurity to cripple you? I know it would be a greater struggle if you have felt betrayed, wounded, taken advantage, abused emotionally or sexually by men. But remember, Life is about making choices. I am making mine :)

Thursday, June 5, 2014

The Pursuit of A Godly Relationship Part 2

In my previous post, we spoke about how both me and Kelvin got to open up our hearts to each other.

In this post, it is very much on how we finally got together. I have a very close buddy in Moscow. Her name is Charis Lian. In fact, she was the first person who introduced me to Kelvin. We have been discussing how everything has been divinely planned. How Charis got to know him and connect with him when he came to Moscow for visit. How he brought a book from Shirley that changes her life and challenged her to stay on in Moscow to make a difference, and how everything intertwin, that he got to know of Shirley Boon through her best buddy Yunn Min when Charis introduced the value of discipler to Yunn Min and then Yunn Min told Kelvin about Shirley. And how Angeline got to know about Shirley through them, join her CG, and also asked Kelvin to join...and tadaa....that's how we are all connected.

So, Charis Lian, being my very amazing sister, went and interrogate Kelvin when she found out about him wanting to pursue me. Asked him a series of important and test questions, which apparently, he passed with flying colors. HAHA.

So Charis was asking me one day, how would I want things to be when Kelvin asked me to be his girlfriend. So I shared with her. And behind me, she went to ask Kelvin how would he plan the day he proposed to me to be his girlfriend to be like....and he shared with her. So Charis came back telling me...Hazel, Kelvin knows your heart so will be surprised. Prepared to be blown I tercengang cengang. Wondering what she meant.

And then...the day finally came. It was Easter Sunday. He just finished his 40 days....and I was at the final few days of mine....he was suppose to bring me out for a pre-couple date. Haha....but on that day, something happened...someone needed to go to the hospital, and both of us rushed that person to emergency. So we stayed on in the hospital (you know government hospital) for a few hours...and there goes our date....He was prepared to postpone it after we send the person home....but as he tried his luck by asking if I would still want to continue going out.....I said OK....but was wondering if the restaurant is still open...its midnight you know?

And then, I found out. He cooked :) Packed them all up ready for a picnic. Guess where are we going...Dataran Merdeka! HAHA...So we ate at Dataran Merdeka....with company of many many many cats prying on our food....These cats are really pretty I kid you not. Like really pretty. amazing thing is.....

So after meal, when we walk to the Tunku Abdul Rahman monument, he then asked me if I would like to walk this journey of life with him (because asking me to be his girlfriend is too mainstream and cliche he said :P).....Guess what....he did exactly everything that I hoped he would have done. I have never mentioned anything to him...But he did just the exact same thing.

I told Charis Lian the few things I hoped to have would be:
1. No need flowers or soft toys....but something significant and meaningful
2. Enter the relationship by praising and worshipping God
3. To meet our spirtual parents for a prayer of blessing.

So he brought me to Dataran Merdeka, as a significant landmark of both of our callings to our nation. That we will still pursue the calling and help each other in it even in the relationship. To strengthen, not dampen the call. He bought me a necklace with 3 crystals...signifying both of us and Jesus in the middle...and the white color crystal as our promise to fight for our purity till marriage. He even brought a guitar...he said the first thing we wanna do as couple is to worship God together. He planned that.  But...of course it didn't happen because it was already very late...and there were a bunch of homeless people sleeping there who might have stonned us with the noise. Hahaha. So we started the relationship with a prayer.  God's presence was really strong...and I am grateful we brought Jesus with us from the first day itself.

And indeed, he knew my heart. First thing I hope to do was to meet dash. He made an appointment but it was too late.  So the meeting got postponed till I came back from hometown. 

When all that happened, I immediately messaged Charis Lian and asked her if she had hinted Kelvin in any way....and she said....NO.....she even wrote me a note to tell me I have found a man who really knew my heart should I said "yes" to being his girlfriend. OK....So she didn't say anything...and after some few minutes of doubting her....I finally have to admit....This man, really knows my heart la. hahahaha

Well things, have been smooth still. No arguments...YET. What to expect. first month only kan? Hahaha. But my peace and happiness is that God has been in the picture the whole time since the beginning....and my comfort is that, as long as we both cling on closely and tightly to Jesus putting Him above everything else, we will grow to become more in love, and more of a helper to one another rather than a destroyer. I am just so glad Jesus is in the middle.

But having said that, with so much of miraculous signs and etc, this does not apply to everyone. God knew this would be an assurance for me, the person with little faith and He did all these for me....and God being in the picture since beginning, doesn't mean we do not have to work hard at keeping this relationship alive, well, aligned and right before God. Starting off well, is not the key to a successful relationship....but progressing well and ending it well (will only end when we both die...hopefully!) is more crucial than the start to it.

Kelvin definitely helps me in many areas of my weaknesses. And I am grateful for that....I just pray that we will grow closer to God and grow to be more like Jesus as we learn to love one another. I really want Jesus to be in the middle of it all....till the day we see Him face to face....

Do pray for us :) ....that as we pursue our callings in life, and as we grow in our relationship, and our studies and our families, and ministries...we will learn to juggle, find balance...and most crucially put Jesus in the centre, always and forever....

Well, that's all. To my blog readers...I hope this blessed you and encouraged you to put God in the middle of every single details of your life....because He cares even to the little details. And these blog posts is not to portray myself as a love expert. Because in all honesty...I am a noob at it. Definitely not my experties...hahahha.... but this is crucial for a reminder that in every step in the walk of life, when things are difficult, or when I become forgetful, I will look back and remember and cherish this.

You can remind me too :)

We are still in a journey. Will share more when I have more discoveries and revelations.
So Cheers ~

The Pursuit of a Godly Relationship Part 1

So, I am attached again...finally after four years. LOL. Many will ask how did the story go? Well, writing this blog, it is not for me to tell the world how it all started. But more so of me wanting to remember how it all happened...and how amazing it was for me because God was evidently in the picture. That was all I really wanted and been praying for...that my next relationship, God must be so involved in the picture, that it is founded, rooted, connected and only workable with Him :) ....well, just in case I have Alzheimer or some sort of dementia, or maybe brain damange least this blog will remind me of things.

So, here goes.... I have been praying for my future partner in 2012. Was taking a Sabbath in 2011 so therefore didn't intend to have any relationship then. So, Kelvin came to City Harvest at the middle of 2012. By end of 2012, I remember Charis Lian telling me about this guy whom I should meet because he is also going all rar rar for the nation. I was very involved back then with some cause the nation is fighting for....And guess where is the first time I met him? Manhunt Emerge KL. Haha.

Apparently he was challenged to join the competition. When I saw him and his first liner of "I am the man you are hunting for"....I was going all " narcissistic"....hahahaha....but who would have expected we would really end up together now? I was quite judgmental with many areas...

The first time we worked together was our mission trip to Myanmar in 2012, then to the streets a few times in 2013. I already didn't have much of a good impression on him to begin with, therefore I tried being clear with him as much as possible whenever we communicated. I was very particular in emphasizing "we are just friend"....well so did he. He wasn't really interested back then, according to him. I guess that was something that might have kept the friendship going....because I didn't feel he had much intention. I did initially, when he started talking to me and so forth....I thought he had interest and I emphasize the "being friends thing even more"....but he really genuinely treated me as friends. Most times talking about politics and even the dreams we are pursuing....something that has probably helped in bringing my guard a little down to understand and know him better as a person.

So when I first knew him, I felt he wasn't broken enough (well, I didn't know him that well, but call me judgmental :P...I am just like that). So initially I am quite skeptical with this guy. But in the course of one year, I saw a lot of changes. He went through some tough times...and I began realizing the things that I used to judge him with, isn't really who he is. So, I began to be a more real friend, rather than a judging one. Haha....ask him, I have given him so many direct shots in the first few times we contacted :P...We grew closer as friends due to common ground, but nothing much happened yet. I guess God must have remembered my "best friend policy"....that I wanted a partner who is also a best friend first. One that started with pure, genuine friendship. I really thank God for His favor because at a certain age, it is often really hard to find a best friend of the opposite sex due to time and also peers limitation....but God gave me an opportunity on this one....because He knew how hard it is for my heart to open if it weren't for friendship first. So, thank You, Daddy G!  

But that is just that.... still nothing much happened. We just kept talking...and noticed that our conversations couldn't end. One topic often linked to another...sometimes we don't even know how we get to a certain topic. LOL. Friendship. I enjoyed that very much. 

Until about near end of last year I sensed he may have started liking me. Well, according to him he didn't like me until January well, again perhaps (just perhaps) God knew I needed more time and this day would He prepared me earlier? Cos if you know me, I am actually quite a fearful person. I was really afraid that this would be another failed relationship again....and I don't want to waste time or even to go through the tough times of healing from heartbreak again, so I was very careful. I needed to fast, pray and get confirmation from God...LOL...hence, God must have noticed I needed more time to resolve and open up my heart. Thus, I guess feeling that he already liked me last year is a good thing as much as it might be a "perasan" thing....LOL..... Because I started asking God for 5 signs to see if I should consider him or if he is a distraction. 

1. (first sign is a secret. Haha)
2. That he would tell me that he would live a life similar to the story of Acts 4:19 -- Bold in the cause of Christ
3.  Spiritual authority would approve of this, with that it means he must have broke through and also won their confidence that he is a man of character in some ways
4. He would love God more than he loves me (if he likes me)
5. He would pursue and fight for me (especially purity) in the right way

In all honesty he hit first 3 signs quite fast. And I was panicking. Cos too easy I feel. HAHAHA. So I try to uplevel the signs. So one day as my leader was asking me about relationships and so forth, I told my leader I needed green light from God....which means the fulfilment of 5 signs. And when I told her I uplevel the sign because I felt it was too easy, and I believed if God really wants us to be together, the signs will be fulfilled....I was rebuked. HAHAHA!

Shirley asked is the sign a guide, or is the sign God? Because signs are meant to just be a guide...we as human still make choices....We still have freewill. And what if he hit all four except one? Would I just take it as a shut door? Then her husband came to tell did mention that only evil generation asked for the Children of Israel in the wilderness....even asked for signs when there are pillar of clouds and fire with them. HAHA. But then again, it is not wrong to ask for signs, but it should never be taking the place of God. God is still God.

I also got rebuked  by God. Asking me...why do I need upleveling. What am I trying to prove? What am I afraid of? In all honesty, I was afraid of another failed relationship? Do I like Kelvin already then? Hmm....I didn't even dare to allow myself to ponder on this question or open up my heart to feel, because I was just too afraid to be ok....repent a little....I took down the upleveling of signs and acknowledged he fulfilled 3....I was still very determined with the other 2 being fulfilled. Hahaha.....guess what

Then I entered 40 days fast n prayer. I prayed for the relationship and God's will to be done. It was suppose to be also a preparation for Kingdom Invasion Conference.  During Kingdom Invasion, I was basically avoiding him and any kind of contact because I didn't want any distraction, and I was still seeking God asking if he is a I just didn't want any kind of contact. One of the worship session as I was worshipping, his face appeared in my head...and I was quick to pinpoint...YES GOD YES...does that mean he is a distraction? If yes, I am cutting him off NOW!! answer. Silence from Daddy G.

Then, he hit the 4th sign which is the confirmation that he will love God more than me or anything. I had an issue which I disagreed with him...about someone and he was telling me about how division is bad etc....and I couldn't agree with him. In Kingdom Invasion, I was convicted by God on this matter...God reminded me of the person me and Kelvin were once discussing about....How I have been tearing that person down, and in the Kingdom of God, I am sowing division. I immediately repented...and I acknowledged, Kelvin must be confident and close enough to God to even rebutt me on this. Well at that point is already March, so he already liked me for about a month and more.....but he stood his ground. Not sure if it is ego (:P hehe)...but yea, I am quite sure he is very much in love with God and the entire conference allowed me to see more of that side of his. Which is great...I just needed to know that a guy would not compromise for me, and would not even be less in God because of me. I wanted someone who loved God more than anything else. Still in discovery till today....but back then, what I saw already gave me enough peace to seal sign number 4.

And...It was Kingdom Invasion....all of us were about Jesus, loving Him and being all out sold out for Him....Who would have imagined....on the last day of conference...Heidi Baker in her final session make a call for all singles...initially it was a call for those who wants to have babies....and she switched to, people who wants to have babies but are still single.....she told the singles to stand up to be prayed for. So a bunch of us did. She prophesied, out of the conference couples by example will come out of it, and she began breaking all fears. When she spoke of the fear of failed past relationship...I cried....I couldn't comprehend why, as my last relationship ended in 2010....turns out, I still have a lot of fear, afraid that I would not be able to survive another godly relationship. So I was so cautious.

And then God instantly spoke...that the reason why I hav been needing so many confirmations and held on to it so tightly, is purely because I am afraid he might be the wrong one again. I was looking for a "No" so see him being proved wrong so much rather than trying to see him from the eyes of Jesus. Afraid to be vulnerable, to take risk, or even to open up my heart to allow myself to fall in love again. So God said....I have shown you he is not a distraction.....and I asked...."did you?"......God said: Did you feel distracted to a point you cannot worship when his face appear in your head? Were you not worshipping still and crying and sobbing like a baby??.....I nodded......And He continued...."Then you decide whether you will proceed. This life is yours...I have given you the freedom of choice...I will not rob that from you. Just look and see if he has fulfill the fundamentals, I will be in the midst, and I will help both of you grow....question is, would you take a risk to trust again?"

So I did....I took a risk. I decided to scrape sign number 5....and still go on (that is a lot of risk already let go of my security). So I stepped in by faith. Little did I know he was also fasting in his 40 days fast and prayer prayjng for the right time to pursue this relationship because he was also scared...he felt there's a call upon his life which requires him to sacrifice much and he did not know if I would be ok with that (he didn't know I asked for sign number 2...hahahaha)...and coming from a prestigious family, my family has high expectations on the children's spouses. He didn't have much to offer at this point as he is still studying.

Heidi Baker that night as she spoke into breaking the fears in my life, also broke the fear of finances n future. He took that as a confirmation from God.... a yes to start pursuing. I didn't know this, but he told me I walked back to my seat that night, and for the first time in the entire conference, I tapped him and spoke to him.... and he said he saw something different. Like a sparkle in my eye ...and he took that as a 2nd confirmation to pursue the relationship....So as he was pursuing me...even though I told God I am scraping all signs....God is still good to me. He favors me like that. Pampered. Haha. God still show me the last sign..  In the same words...Kelvin actually said to me: that he will fight for me...for my purity n for the call god has placed in my life.

I am overwhelemd bcos even when I say no further signs needed, God still fulfil the last one anyway.

Well, that's all for courtship. Part 1. Moving on to Part 2, how he asked me to be his girlfriend :))