Monday, June 25, 2018

The Dance Between Who You Once Were and Who You Are Becoming

Here listening to "Good Good Father" by Chris Tomlin after a long day at workshop and a good catch up dinner with Karen and Shu Yi.

Was planning to call it an early night, and go to bed. Wasn't feeling very well with deprived sleep and travelling. These days, the body don't take exhaustion that well. Haha. But here I am, wide awake....writing a blog. Triggered by thoughts that surfaced at workshop and at dinner. And also now...wakefulness (I blame the shower :P)

These few months have been nothing short of amazing. God's goodness over our lives were just overwhelming. The transitions that I go through hasn't ended. As much as I want all the transition to pass quickly so I can be on full swing, I guess I have to just learn to sit with the discomfort and trust the process. After all, there are so many things to be grateful for. What a time to be alive! Many major events had occurred, hence the continuous transitions. Yet, this is the season that I would never want to forget. I am commemorating it here. Moments I have searched, found, grew and learn so much about life as I know it.

Long story short. Kelvin was a candidate competing for MP for his constituency, and he won a great margin. While I have done my best preparing as a wife of an MP, I did not imagine that it would also be this time that there would be a change of government for the very first time. God heard the prayers and cries of Malaysians. So, Kelvin had not just become an MP, but a government MP. I am still wrapping my head around this fact, as it was the first time ever in history ever since our Independence Day in 1957 that there was a switch of government.

To this date it is almost two months. I guess the government is also still transitioning, and Malaysians have been nothing but supportive thus far. It has been really heartwarming to see that a cause many fought for to regain our voices as rakyat since a many years ago is finally coming to pass. For me, I started joining rallies since 2012, and my heart had been very moved by the causes fought since then. I guess this is what made Kelvin and I clicked in the first place.

But what I am about to share here, is more than just these amazing events, but a true, naked account of my journey as a wife and a person in these few months.

Ever since I said yes to Kelvin's proposal to marry him, he made it clear to me that the road ahead would not be easy. Because he had chosen to fight for the cause that he believes in actively (at that time still opposition) and that I need to be ready for him to perhaps face difficulties or be incarcerated for what he would be fighting for. I prepared myself psychologically for that as much as I can. Truth be told, it would probably be very different when I truly encounter it, but I guess better to have some form of preparation than be caught by surprise. LOL. It was a full-on support. I imagined myself as a wife who would be with him, assisting him in his office etc (since it would take some time to find a job after uprooting in Sarawak anyway).

However, in January 2018, while cleaning our new home (and while preparing for our wedding), I received a call from the Malaysian Ministry of Health, informing me that I am accepted to work in a government hospital in Sarawak as a clinical psychologist. This is another miraculous story to share but I shall keep it for another day. Basically, I got a dream job literally "dropping on my lap" because I have always wanted to reach the lower income bracket population with the services I can provide. Working in a government hospital provided me that platform.

But this calls for a change of plan. Back then, it was a different government. And with the law saying that government servant should not be involved in any political party work, and me being the scaredy cat that is quite afraid of what may befall an opposition party politician's wife (as we have heard countless accounts of how previous government is capable of making a hell out of people's living), I was living a life of "hiding" - fearful others may know who I am related to, and becoming very cautious of how I would not appear to be related to opposition (because I do not want to lose my dream job). However, I wanted to support my husband very badly. And being apart from him during the toughest time of his career (preparation for election) was just killing me, as I had to be trained in another state. To compensate it, I began helping him indirectly, such as giving feedbacks through the "ceramahs" I watched via Facebook Live. To a point, I felt it probably became slightly overwhelming for him (the feedbacks :P). I flew in and out and gave the best I could. But still, deep down....I knew  very well, that I was in hiding.

It was a whole load of internal conflicts. On one hand, I am really proud of my husband, but on another hand, I was afraid I may lose my job. Plus the whole notion that I do not want to be my husband's extension (i.e. known only as Kelvin's wife, and lose my identity), the fear of me losing my identity makes me fought even harder to keep my job. Which means, compromising the things I would have done, or roles I would have played in a heartbeat for Kelvin, if I weren't a government servant. So this conflict, resulted in me resorting to temporary solution. Whereby, I filtered my Instagram name list, and only leave names which are familiar or have prior known me and Kelvin before the election period. I was proud of Kelvin's hard work and I wanted a means to express these feelings. So, I resorted to insta-stories (which would be taken down in 24 hours), and refused to add other new colleagues (except one or two) into my list in fear that they may find out who I am and get me in trouble. 

With these postings, I get to gratify my pride and how I felt toward Kelvin, and also to some extent make up for the sadness or loss of not being to be physically there for him or even openly supporting him at a crucial moment of the election. I also justified my actions with: hey these postings are only limited people or people who have known us, and the posts are only up there for 24 hours. LOL.

But then he won. And when we were invited to the nomination centre to witness his winning, I was in fear again. Because pictures were taken of me by the media....and...that instant I was concerned...what if I lose my job? At that time, we weren't sure if PH or BN would be the government yet. And then comes the time when PH won, and government change was finalized. I was still feeling afraid and was still in hiding. This time, the fear was different. Fearing that if colleagues especially know my husband is an MP, would there be less genuine relationships? Would people come to me with motives? Would I be given favour not because of my abilities? Would I lose my identity?

And this whole struggles played out for several weeks. In that period of time, I attempted to keep my husband away from my life at 8am to 5pm, hopefully Hazel can be seen as Hazel for her own abilities....and fully become  a wife after 5pm. LOL. Crazy? Yes. I didn't feel at peace or right at all. Something was definitely missing. It wasn't until one day when Kelvin ask me...."Dear, you are married to me. Why do you not want people to know your husband and what he does?"

It was that question that hit something within me and made me reflect. It was a God-moment. That question reminded me of the vows I made at the aisle, and what I said yes to. When I said yes, I said yes to all that comes with being Kelvin's wife. He is such a big part of my life, and yet I tried to deny his existence in my life? That's quite crazy of me! But it was also then I realized that I am not practicing what I have told him. That in this marriage, we are both team Hazel and both team Kelvin. But for a period of time, I actually quit team Kelvin from 8am to 5pm (haha!).

On hindsight, God made it easier for me through the change of government, and the chance of losing a job because I am an opposition MP's wife now reduced significantly. But yet, I was still fearful of losing my own identity, that others may not see me as me, but me as who I am related to. So I asked myself these questions: is this truly how or what not losing my identity is about? Is my identity now really ONLY about me and my aspirations? Am I willing to go through the possible difficulties that come with being Kelvin's wife? Can I embrace all that comes with being in this position at present?

Yes...that would mean there may be some less genuine relationships, and yes...someone may also see me for my connections instead of recognizing my abilities.....this also mean I may possibly need to try harder to be seen as I really am. To sit with the discomfort of not knowing. To sit with the discomfort that comes with this new life, the anxiety of the transition, without trying too hard to resist it. For some time, I was trying to runaway from the possible difficulties. But I have come to a point of resolution within myself (at least for now) to embrace.

To embrace the fact that this is my identity now. I am fully Hazel with all her capabilities and fully Hazel - Kelvin's wife at the same time. I am not either or, I do not need to choose between the two. I am both, and this is where I am and who I am now. I need to learn how to live this two now. Do I still feel anxious at times? Yes....because its only human. So I am not going to set an unrealistic expectation that I should not be anxious at all... But rather, be aware that it will be a struggle, because this whole thing is new! And its still a time of transition. AND....that is OK....

I do not need to have it all resolve already. Even as I am writing this, I am not there yet. In fact, I believe it is going to be a lifetime experience. If we all can arrived so easily, then there is nothing else to learn about life, isn't it? But at present, I am contented in adopting the posture of learning to embrace that I am both. 8am to 5pm I am fully Hazel with her capabilities and Hazel, the wife of Kelvin. 24 hours, I am Hazel with her full capabilities and Hazel, the wife of Kelvin. Do I need to be careful with what I say or post? A loud resounding yes. Because now, I too represent my husband and like it or not....our lives are intertwined to some measure. What I say, will affect his life and vice versa. But I no longer want to deny, runaway and reject this new place I am at. For now, this is my conviction.

I am not sure how many of you go through the same struggles I go through where your life changes, and you are afraid that these changes may take away a part of you. Because of that, you become anxious and frantically try to maintain the life you know, in some ways attempting to preserve that part of you. But in doing so, you also begin to realize that you are also losing another part of yourself. Because the truth is, it is not about one part over the other. Changes make parts of us evolve, and this evolution of ourselves require us to accept both parts (which have now become one) to move forward. Embracing may not come easy. It takes a lot of awareness, courage and strength. Thus, take comfort even in the struggles. Accept the anxieties that may come with it without trying too hard to resolve it or give too much attention to it. After all, life without struggles is life without pulse.

Life is complicated. Let's not expect it to be simple. Let's trust the process, enjoy the journey... and learn to breathe :)

*post inspired over a dinner conversation*






Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Pain (Part 2) - The Wedding Day

My wedding day, was a significant moment for me. Precisely because, I did not try to suppress any emotions at all. I was present for each emotion I consciously felt. The thrill and happiness of starting a new life with the love of my life, the awareness of the pain that this decision may bring about, the losses I would be feeling. It was a wedding and a "burial" at the same time. Many felt it was because I sacrificed for Kelvin, but truth be told...I have never felt I sacrificed anything. While it is not easy to leave the life I know, I gained the excitement of  a new life (not everyone can do that) and the happiness of being with the one I love. In other words, I am too gaining something for myself from this decision (I am not so noble lah!).


But back to the topic of pain: my wedding day....was the proper burial that I have anticipated and prepared for. Months before the wedding happened, I had made it a point, that I wanted it to be meaningful, and for my honest feelings to surface without hindrance. To savor each  properly-managed emotions as they come without judgment. My parents were crying, when they handed me over to Kelvin. And I cried with them...letting them feel these emotions without judgment was very important for me....because I wanted them to have their fair share of "closures" as much as I wanted mine. And for them to be comfortable with their emotions, I had to be comfortable with mine.


So we cried before the wedding. We cried during the wedding....and for all we know, we will still occasionally cry when we miss one another. Well, I am not sure for them, but I do. Grieving a certain change is a process anyway. But this entire experience, had caused me to send messages that I had never sent before in the past. To be honest with how I feel and to say all I wanted to say. Precisely because of that, every now and then when I feel a certain emotions, I still text them and tell them how I feel without holding back. I love it that I could do this now, more than before. Wouldn't have it any other way. And to sit with the discomfort of pain, has made me live life more authentically. Even when I express love, I am more extravagant in my expression (or so I thought...got to verify with the hubs haha!).


This experience made me realize who are those I truly treasure, those that I would decide and make an effort to stay in touch with. To learn to seize each moment, be present and be honest. Well, I am not fully there yet, but am making efforts.


The surprise video I made for my husband before I walked down the aisle, was a closure for myself and hopefully for my husband. To remind him, the entire journey of being boyfriend and girlfriend, how great it was, and acknowledged the strength the relationships had given me. Now entering marriage, the dynamics will be different. Hence, closing that chapter, and preparing for a new one. Now, of course, while I was plotting that video I did not intentionally plan with all that in mind (Haha! I am not so smart). I just followed my heart because I felt it would be meaningful....and on hindsight, I am really glad I did it. It was a good closure. Now looking back at the video, I still tear up reminiscing how far we came :)


Walking down the aisle, with my crying parents, I saw my husband cried. First time in my life. He never cried, at least not in front of me ever in our dating years. I am not sure why. He said the video made him well up. Me walking down, he just could not control the flow of his tears. Maybe he is grieving the loss of singlehood (haha!), maybe he is overwhelmingly joyful for what is to come, maybe he finally remembered how much we have been through together....We will never really know....because he claimed he doesn't know :P (it doesn't matter anyway).


But in that exchange, we were all crying each for our own reasons. For me, there was a mixture of happiness and sadness. Complex. And I loved the fact that I was present, and aware of all the emotions that surfaced that day. I allowed each emotion to take its place, because each of them deserve my attention despite its complexity. Life is complex anyway. We further cried during worship, vow exchange, speeches, performances - with the creative mix of emotions. And now, reflecting back on that very day.... I remembered thinking this to myself: This is the wedding I have always dreamed of. Not because of the venue, the deco, the luxuries, the food or what not. But the wedding that we were all emotionally present for one another, with one another.


It will be the wedding with a deepest sense of memory and meaning for me. And for those of us who felt something that night.
All these happened, because of one decision. When I decided to change my lens and approach toward pain and subsequently toward emotions as a whole (why do we label them positive or negative anyway).


Emotions are neutral. We need to know how to address them and at the right time and give them a proper place. Management is the key. Emotions remind us that we are alive. Those who do not feel much emotions (i.e. sociopath) suffer daily feeling "dead" on the inside, in search for something just to "feel" a little.

Pain, is a friend....if we treat them well.
An enemy if we starve or overfed them.
Pain in good amount, is the key to growth.


And in the future, I hope that I can teach my children to embrace pain in adequate amount, manage emotions well, to be there to journey through the process with them, and finally letting these emotional experiences be the teacher.


The most resilient people I know, are those who experienced pain on almost daily basis (i.e. refugees). The irony of pain is that while it hurts you, it also builds you up (if managed well). Having said all that, there were also of course complexity to pain in its manifestation and we cannot always welcome and generalize pain, and it may not always be good. But that would be an entire different topic from what I am writing about here.


I know I have so much more to learn about this emotion. But for now, I have learned one thing.
The world does not need "rescuing" from pain.
The world perhaps need to get-to-know pain from a different facade.


Perhaps, this post too serves as a closure - one way or another :)

Pain (Part 1)

It took me awhile to write this. But I think it is worth the wait. At least, that's what I think :)



Pain, has been a very difficult topic to discuss.
Mainly because, the word "pain" in itself signifies a lot of unpleasant feelings, memories and responses.



Yet, in my past almost 2 years in clinical practice, I have dealt with pain on almost a daily basis.
It gave me a new perspective.

I have seen many different kinds of individuals.
Some, dwell in it, refusing to move forward. The pain serves a function. Some for self-redemption (punishment), some to fish comfort, some as a reminder of a certain past one cannot let go - many different reasons.


Some, want to get out of it quickly to a point it is being ignored. Eventually, like an untreated deep wound, infection grew and affect many different "parts of a body".
Some, ignorant of it, and refuse to feel it. Avoiding it through hardened hearts, so to protect themselves and also to ensure self-preservation. And one day, when a certain trigger comes about, the entire buried "unfinished business" erupted like a sleeping volcano.


Some, seek for pain like an addiction, because beneath the pain there is a kind of pleasure. Because, the pain make their "zombified" being feel alive again.

In essence, many people deal with pain differently.


And for the past 30 years of life, I do my best to "outrun" pain, or can I say, find a "cure" to pain? Perhaps this is what triggers me into joining this profession. I wanted to find an answer to deal with pain once and for all. Idealistic, isn't it?


But I have to admit that my obsession in "eradicating pain" has brought me through an amazing journey of self-discovery, and now, to this place. I have to admit, I do not know pain in its full entirety at this point. But I have begun to see pain as a friend.


Sadistic, much? Hear me out...


As a therapist, I sat with pains that were brought about by many others. And in order to connect and empathize well with them, I have to allow myself to go that place, where I have experienced pain before in my life. Some thought that being a therapist, and a professional, god-forbid that we should feel at all. Else we could not be objective.


Well, here is the eye-opening truth for us all. A good therapist, must be willing to experience pain. If we do not know pain, we cannot go to that place of connection and identify with our clients. If I have learned anything in the past 2 years in being a beginning therapist, is that professional methods are helpful in solving a symptom (and yes, to curb our own anxiety as beginning therapist because that is one thing that we probably feel would bring the "least harm" to clients and ourselves), but the personal element of a therapist (experience, connection, empathy, and finally the formation of a trusting therapeutic alliance) is crucial in the process of deep-rooted healing.


I went into Masters, all geared up. Thinking that I am equipping myself to "save the world" from pains and hurts. Oh, how wrong was I. Masters had changed me in so many ways, so much so, that my entire worldview experienced a drastic shift. In the 2 years of learning, I began to deal with all my internal discomfort of dealing with pain. Painful experience? You bet! It was the time where my emotions went high and low, learning what were my trigger points, what were my unfinished business and so many more. It was a humbling experience. What "superhero" did I think I am going to be? Rising above all, and rescuing the "fellow civilians?" Oh, the pride I had! (Superhero complex).


And finally being a beginning therapist, sitting with different kinds of pain....watching my clients grow, witnessing how they became friends with pain and rose above these discomfort. To the day, I sat with my own pain and grief....I began to see the value of pain.


Grief had been a big part of my life ever since July 2017. Not because anyone died. But the reality of me leaving the life, the family, the relationships, the community, friends, job, place that had been a big part of me for the past decade began sinking in. As usual, it started off with a lot of avoidance. And anger/ frustrations toward issues and myself. These manifestation of emotions began to make me reflect on what is going on internally.


Then, a meet up with my supervisor changed me. I was so pre-occupied with making sure that I end things well, handover was done properly (which I thought was the sole culprit of all my frustrations). And she stopped me as I was in the midst of my rant about the professional-required do's and don'ts - asking me: Hazel, what about you? What is the ritual you need for your closure.


Oblivious, I asked - "Huh? What closure? All these thing I am doing to end my case well etc. are closures no?"
With her motherly gaze she said (probably thinking: oh you poor, oblivious young thing haha): "Hazel, you are leaving many things at once.. Many would get married and just leave their title of singlehood. But you are leaving your life as a single, your life in KL for the past 10 years, increased distance with your family, leaving your church, your friends, the city you are so familiar with, your favorite restaurants, your job, your clients -- you are leaving a lot. Have you thought of how are you going to give all of these a "proper burial"?"


That struck me and disturbed my sleep that night. I thought long and hard about what she said. I knew I was leaving a lot of things. But I did not allow myself to "feel" or "process" much with the excuse that I had too many things to get settled. Its all the "objective solutions" and none of the emotional processes were given leeway. That night, I decided that it is time to go beyond the objective solutions. To avoid from feeling overwhelmed (I still need to work, ya know?), I began allowing myself to process and say goodbye to one thing at a time. Every meet up and trip became intentional. Every post and personal messages of goodbye were being crafted for a closure. Serving in church for the last time, and sitting in my last service for the last time...all became really meaningful. I savored every minute of it. It is not that I will not come back ever or meet these people ever. I remember someone saying this: "you are not dying! and we can always meet again!"


But acknowledging that the next time I return, it would be different. So while the moment last, I wanted to be present. I allowed myself the time to say goodbye and be emotional because these pains deserve the attention. Yes we may meet. But my priorities will change....and because these connections, place, job, experiences mattered in this season of my life, I felt it was necessary to say goodbye to them at its form now.


As expected, the moment I decided to allow the pain within to surface....the floodgates open. You cannot imagine the countless times I cried, wrote random messages, and the amount of time I went back to a particular place, to just savor the food, the environment. Sitting...and just being present. Tearing up, laughing....each emotions were given their respectful time and place. I am glad that I did it.


As I drove to church one day. One of my final services in church....it struck me. The pain that I was so passionate in "solving" and "eradicating" is so necessary in life. If only everyone knew the power of pain (if well-channeled and utilized). Pain is a Great teacher. We can learn from textbooks about the do's and don'ts in life. But it was true experiential pain that helps us grow and learn life lessons. Come to think about it, the most significant growth in most of our lives are moments of "pain" isn't it?


It is not pain that causes mankind problems. It is the mismanagement and misinterpretation of this emotion that propelled so much more troubles today.
Perhaps this could answer to why God did not eradicate sufferings even when He loves us? We'll never know... :)