Friday, January 24, 2014

Chosen.

So, my life as a student has officially started.

I am entering my fourth week now. How am I doing? Honestly, not exactly great. I am very physically challenged. Reason being, there were too many readings to do, too many assignments to complete. On the second week itself we need to submit about 2 assignments, and it didn't stop eversince. Every single week there were at least 2-3 assignments so far.

Brings me to the question. Why am I here typing this post? I don't know. I guess, I just want to remind myself of the days I am pursuing the dream God placed in my heart with some discontentment and grudge...haha...And how He has spoke to me to encourage me. I guess....It is important to remember.

So I have been very deprived of sleep, and needless to say...rather grumpy. Now, let me be really truthful here. I am a human, I have needs, I have wants. And many times, as a subzone leader in church now, I am expected to be superwoman....most time subtly....usually by people who look up to me perhaps. Wow...Hazel sure can. Wah...Hazel power. Well, I used to think I am quite flexible and stretchable. But not anymore. I have attempted to be superwoman. But now, I prefer the ordinary girl title partnering with my extraordinary God... Works better ^^

Recent weeks, my bubble burst. I have had several people who have struggles in life looking for me. Most people will know I am rather compassionate. But then, I realized this season...This transition period, I couldn't bring myself to be loving. Because in efforts of trying to cope, my tiredness took over. Every little moment left, I couldn't share it because it was so hard to come by! Not because I stopped caring, but because I felt I needed more space for myself. I needed a breather.

This afternoon, I got into an argument with someone. I felt emotionally flushed out. Not because of that person, but because of all that is put together in my life at this point. I am physically and emotionally drained. But thank God I really encountered God in Myanmar...And I considered that God's bonus for me to refresh in the midst of busyness. And I believe that was what that has been keeping me from snapping.

Physically I am worn out with just a maximum of 3 to 4 hours sleep each day. It has been ongoing for four weeks now. Imagine my desperation. Emotionally, I felt there were many expectations. Expectations for me to be there, expectations for me to meet deadlines...and beyond that...expectations for me to score at least 75% every subject. Yes. You hear me. 75%.  Why do I give myself so much pressure? Well....not exactly my choice to make. It was in the system. To graduate and pass the class....I have to score at least a 75%. Welcome to Masters world.

And as I was coping and etc, many other things cut my temper short. And at these moments, I asked God.....God, why do You give me a compassionate heart lah! If only I can just walk away and not care. But I cannot. Why why why....And God replied me this....yes I can take away your compassionate heart. But that would mean, I will be taken out from your life. Because that is who I am. And if you do not want that part of me, you do not want me.

So ok. I was caught speechless and I said ok. I know I have chosen to be in this path. But I am really learning and trying to be the best I know how in every area. A subzone leader, a cell leader, a daughter, a friend a student....everything! Please give me grace to go through and take care of myself physically and emotionally. Because if I cannot manage now, I cannot imagine when I need to meet client with psychosis daily. That would be amplification of stress....

And so as I mentioned, I was in an argument this afternoon....and there were back and forth WhatsApp messages as usual. I am very reactive. Then, God spoke. Hazel...don't read the message. Just drive. So I did. I obeyed. I drove....and as I reached my class, I wanted to read...God said...Hazel, you can read. But don't respond.....

Boy you know how hard that was??? I felt I am not given a chance to defend myself with all the back forth arguments. Ugh. But ok....I stopped reacting or responding. And then concentrated in class....

It was only later when I found out why God stopped me from replying. God opened up my mind today. It wasn't a Christian class, but every single thing that happened was so real to me...that I cannot deny God was speaking. I was in a Clinical Interviewing class and my lecturer played a video. She asked us to concentrate on the interviewee and be aware of how our feelings react.

When she paused the video, she asked one by one, what was the first feeling that jumped on us. And I answered....I felt like I need to rescue the client. And that was when everything made sense. My lecturer began warning us about the very intent of our hearts and feelings we had. And she said....many times what we feel about someone usually say very much about who we are as a person inside. But we have to remember and be aware of every feeling. For me, I feel like I want to rescue, but it also means I will have the tendency to get overinvolve in someone's lives.

It is true isn't it? I always felt I need to rescue. That's the very reason why I felt drained. I have to be understood, my method had to work.....the fact is I cannot rescue. Only Jesus can. I am only a channel, a resource, and a support that God prepared here on earth. I am not the solution. I can't bring solution. Because I am also one frail, fragile human being who has emotions and also can crack under pressure. I am no difference than others. But yes...I have always wanted to rescue...and that is the danger. If anything goes wrong, who will I tend to blame? Myself :) ...and why was I so frustrated with back and forth arguments, trying to proof a point, needing someone to really change? Because I was so preoccupied by the expectation of being a rescuer :)

I have to learn to recognize that I am placed here, for one reason...to be a channel, not the solution. And I have to constantly remind myself of that. To be aware of that in fact. I have to also remind myself to let go of control when I have given my best. Some people may misunderstand. Some may think I didn't try hard enough....but I need to learn to be secure...with the fact that I know I have given my best.

Beyond that, I was educated on how to react in similar situation. Coincidence? I don't think so :)

So as usual...being human, I was complaining to God about this hectic lifestyle. And I asked Him...why did He do this to me. Haha! God said...no, I did not. I gave you an option. You chose this.....and so I went silent....and then I admitted that I have counted the cost and I am ready to go all the way for it. But I just needed to express my frustration. I am feeling very bottled up. For that moment when I was talking and talking alone in the car, tears well up...and then there was silence. Silence. But the silence was loud. I felt the embrace of God and warmth just surrounding me....and the silent mean so much. At that moment, I felt safe. I felt comforted....and most importantly, I felt God's support saying...I will always always walk with you in this journey.

And then the revelation came.

God gave me a verse: Many are called but few chosen.
The entire verse took on a new meaning for me.

I went to search the greek word for "chosen"

eklektos: select, by impl. favorite
Original Word: ἐκλεκτός, ή, όν
Part of Speech: Adjective
Transliteration: eklektos
Phonetic Spelling: (ek-lek-tos')
Short Definition: chosen, elect, choice, select

Replacing it: Many are called, but few eklektos....few select
Many are given a calling. Those few who chose or select, became the chosen.
We can decide to be chosen by doing the choosing.

So in the midst of being a "kid" ranting and throwing tantrum say...God, why am I doing this bla bla bla....It suddenly dawn upon me...despite of everything that is overwhelming me, it is still my choice to be the chosen.  I can stop right now. But I have took the first step to decide to be that. No matter how tough it is gonna be, I want to be the chosen one. And I should be willing to count the cost and pay the price for it.

So whenever I ask myself, why am I putting myself through this? Remind me this verse :)

I love You, Jesus. You're awesome :)