My wedding day, was a significant moment for me. Precisely because, I did not try to suppress any emotions at all. I was present for each emotion I consciously felt. The thrill and happiness of starting a new life with the love of my life, the awareness of the pain that this decision may bring about, the losses I would be feeling. It was a wedding and a "burial" at the same time. Many felt it was because I sacrificed for Kelvin, but truth be told...I have never felt I sacrificed anything. While it is not easy to leave the life I know, I gained the excitement of a new life (not everyone can do that) and the happiness of being with the one I love. In other words, I am too gaining something for myself from this decision (I am not so noble lah!).
But back to the topic of pain: my wedding day....was the proper burial that I have anticipated and prepared for. Months before the wedding happened, I had made it a point, that I wanted it to be meaningful, and for my honest feelings to surface without hindrance. To savor each properly-managed emotions as they come without judgment. My parents were crying, when they handed me over to Kelvin. And I cried with them...letting them feel these emotions without judgment was very important for me....because I wanted them to have their fair share of "closures" as much as I wanted mine. And for them to be comfortable with their emotions, I had to be comfortable with mine.
So we cried before the wedding. We cried during the wedding....and for all we know, we will still occasionally cry when we miss one another. Well, I am not sure for them, but I do. Grieving a certain change is a process anyway. But this entire experience, had caused me to send messages that I had never sent before in the past. To be honest with how I feel and to say all I wanted to say. Precisely because of that, every now and then when I feel a certain emotions, I still text them and tell them how I feel without holding back. I love it that I could do this now, more than before. Wouldn't have it any other way. And to sit with the discomfort of pain, has made me live life more authentically. Even when I express love, I am more extravagant in my expression (or so I thought...got to verify with the hubs haha!).
This experience made me realize who are those I truly treasure, those that I would decide and make an effort to stay in touch with. To learn to seize each moment, be present and be honest. Well, I am not fully there yet, but am making efforts.
The surprise video I made for my husband before I walked down the aisle, was a closure for myself and hopefully for my husband. To remind him, the entire journey of being boyfriend and girlfriend, how great it was, and acknowledged the strength the relationships had given me. Now entering marriage, the dynamics will be different. Hence, closing that chapter, and preparing for a new one. Now, of course, while I was plotting that video I did not intentionally plan with all that in mind (Haha! I am not so smart). I just followed my heart because I felt it would be meaningful....and on hindsight, I am really glad I did it. It was a good closure. Now looking back at the video, I still tear up reminiscing how far we came :)
Walking down the aisle, with my crying parents, I saw my husband cried. First time in my life. He never cried, at least not in front of me ever in our dating years. I am not sure why. He said the video made him well up. Me walking down, he just could not control the flow of his tears. Maybe he is grieving the loss of singlehood (haha!), maybe he is overwhelmingly joyful for what is to come, maybe he finally remembered how much we have been through together....We will never really know....because he claimed he doesn't know :P (it doesn't matter anyway).
But in that exchange, we were all crying each for our own reasons. For me, there was a mixture of happiness and sadness. Complex. And I loved the fact that I was present, and aware of all the emotions that surfaced that day. I allowed each emotion to take its place, because each of them deserve my attention despite its complexity. Life is complex anyway. We further cried during worship, vow exchange, speeches, performances - with the creative mix of emotions. And now, reflecting back on that very day.... I remembered thinking this to myself: This is the wedding I have always dreamed of. Not because of the venue, the deco, the luxuries, the food or what not. But the wedding that we were all emotionally present for one another, with one another.
It will be the wedding with a deepest sense of memory and meaning for me. And for those of us who felt something that night.
All these happened, because of one decision. When I decided to change my lens and approach toward pain and subsequently toward emotions as a whole (why do we label them positive or negative anyway).
Emotions are neutral. We need to know how to address them and at the right time and give them a proper place. Management is the key. Emotions remind us that we are alive. Those who do not feel much emotions (i.e. sociopath) suffer daily feeling "dead" on the inside, in search for something just to "feel" a little.
Pain, is a friend....if we treat them well.
An enemy if we starve or overfed them.
Pain in good amount, is the key to growth.
And in the future, I hope that I can teach my children to embrace pain in adequate amount, manage emotions well, to be there to journey through the process with them, and finally letting these emotional experiences be the teacher.
The most resilient people I know, are those who experienced pain on almost daily basis (i.e. refugees). The irony of pain is that while it hurts you, it also builds you up (if managed well). Having said all that, there were also of course complexity to pain in its manifestation and we cannot always welcome and generalize pain, and it may not always be good. But that would be an entire different topic from what I am writing about here.
I know I have so much more to learn about this emotion. But for now, I have learned one thing.
The world does not need "rescuing" from pain.
The world perhaps need to get-to-know pain from a different facade.
Perhaps, this post too serves as a closure - one way or another :)
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Pain (Part 1)
It took me awhile to write this. But I think it is worth the wait. At least, that's what I think :)
Pain, has been a very difficult topic to discuss.
Mainly because, the word "pain" in itself signifies a lot of unpleasant feelings, memories and responses.
Yet, in my past almost 2 years in clinical practice, I have dealt with pain on almost a daily basis.
It gave me a new perspective.
I have seen many different kinds of individuals.
Some, dwell in it, refusing to move forward. The pain serves a function. Some for self-redemption (punishment), some to fish comfort, some as a reminder of a certain past one cannot let go - many different reasons.
Some, want to get out of it quickly to a point it is being ignored. Eventually, like an untreated deep wound, infection grew and affect many different "parts of a body".
Some, ignorant of it, and refuse to feel it. Avoiding it through hardened hearts, so to protect themselves and also to ensure self-preservation. And one day, when a certain trigger comes about, the entire buried "unfinished business" erupted like a sleeping volcano.
Some, seek for pain like an addiction, because beneath the pain there is a kind of pleasure. Because, the pain make their "zombified" being feel alive again.
In essence, many people deal with pain differently.
And for the past 30 years of life, I do my best to "outrun" pain, or can I say, find a "cure" to pain? Perhaps this is what triggers me into joining this profession. I wanted to find an answer to deal with pain once and for all. Idealistic, isn't it?
But I have to admit that my obsession in "eradicating pain" has brought me through an amazing journey of self-discovery, and now, to this place. I have to admit, I do not know pain in its full entirety at this point. But I have begun to see pain as a friend.
Sadistic, much? Hear me out...
As a therapist, I sat with pains that were brought about by many others. And in order to connect and empathize well with them, I have to allow myself to go that place, where I have experienced pain before in my life. Some thought that being a therapist, and a professional, god-forbid that we should feel at all. Else we could not be objective.
Well, here is the eye-opening truth for us all. A good therapist, must be willing to experience pain. If we do not know pain, we cannot go to that place of connection and identify with our clients. If I have learned anything in the past 2 years in being a beginning therapist, is that professional methods are helpful in solving a symptom (and yes, to curb our own anxiety as beginning therapist because that is one thing that we probably feel would bring the "least harm" to clients and ourselves), but the personal element of a therapist (experience, connection, empathy, and finally the formation of a trusting therapeutic alliance) is crucial in the process of deep-rooted healing.
I went into Masters, all geared up. Thinking that I am equipping myself to "save the world" from pains and hurts. Oh, how wrong was I. Masters had changed me in so many ways, so much so, that my entire worldview experienced a drastic shift. In the 2 years of learning, I began to deal with all my internal discomfort of dealing with pain. Painful experience? You bet! It was the time where my emotions went high and low, learning what were my trigger points, what were my unfinished business and so many more. It was a humbling experience. What "superhero" did I think I am going to be? Rising above all, and rescuing the "fellow civilians?" Oh, the pride I had! (Superhero complex).
And finally being a beginning therapist, sitting with different kinds of pain....watching my clients grow, witnessing how they became friends with pain and rose above these discomfort. To the day, I sat with my own pain and grief....I began to see the value of pain.
Grief had been a big part of my life ever since July 2017. Not because anyone died. But the reality of me leaving the life, the family, the relationships, the community, friends, job, place that had been a big part of me for the past decade began sinking in. As usual, it started off with a lot of avoidance. And anger/ frustrations toward issues and myself. These manifestation of emotions began to make me reflect on what is going on internally.
Then, a meet up with my supervisor changed me. I was so pre-occupied with making sure that I end things well, handover was done properly (which I thought was the sole culprit of all my frustrations). And she stopped me as I was in the midst of my rant about the professional-required do's and don'ts - asking me: Hazel, what about you? What is the ritual you need for your closure.
Oblivious, I asked - "Huh? What closure? All these thing I am doing to end my case well etc. are closures no?"
With her motherly gaze she said (probably thinking: oh you poor, oblivious young thing haha): "Hazel, you are leaving many things at once.. Many would get married and just leave their title of singlehood. But you are leaving your life as a single, your life in KL for the past 10 years, increased distance with your family, leaving your church, your friends, the city you are so familiar with, your favorite restaurants, your job, your clients -- you are leaving a lot. Have you thought of how are you going to give all of these a "proper burial"?"
That struck me and disturbed my sleep that night. I thought long and hard about what she said. I knew I was leaving a lot of things. But I did not allow myself to "feel" or "process" much with the excuse that I had too many things to get settled. Its all the "objective solutions" and none of the emotional processes were given leeway. That night, I decided that it is time to go beyond the objective solutions. To avoid from feeling overwhelmed (I still need to work, ya know?), I began allowing myself to process and say goodbye to one thing at a time. Every meet up and trip became intentional. Every post and personal messages of goodbye were being crafted for a closure. Serving in church for the last time, and sitting in my last service for the last time...all became really meaningful. I savored every minute of it. It is not that I will not come back ever or meet these people ever. I remember someone saying this: "you are not dying! and we can always meet again!"
But acknowledging that the next time I return, it would be different. So while the moment last, I wanted to be present. I allowed myself the time to say goodbye and be emotional because these pains deserve the attention. Yes we may meet. But my priorities will change....and because these connections, place, job, experiences mattered in this season of my life, I felt it was necessary to say goodbye to them at its form now.
As expected, the moment I decided to allow the pain within to surface....the floodgates open. You cannot imagine the countless times I cried, wrote random messages, and the amount of time I went back to a particular place, to just savor the food, the environment. Sitting...and just being present. Tearing up, laughing....each emotions were given their respectful time and place. I am glad that I did it.
As I drove to church one day. One of my final services in church....it struck me. The pain that I was so passionate in "solving" and "eradicating" is so necessary in life. If only everyone knew the power of pain (if well-channeled and utilized). Pain is a Great teacher. We can learn from textbooks about the do's and don'ts in life. But it was true experiential pain that helps us grow and learn life lessons. Come to think about it, the most significant growth in most of our lives are moments of "pain" isn't it?
It is not pain that causes mankind problems. It is the mismanagement and misinterpretation of this emotion that propelled so much more troubles today.
Perhaps this could answer to why God did not eradicate sufferings even when He loves us? We'll never know... :)
Pain, has been a very difficult topic to discuss.
Mainly because, the word "pain" in itself signifies a lot of unpleasant feelings, memories and responses.
Yet, in my past almost 2 years in clinical practice, I have dealt with pain on almost a daily basis.
It gave me a new perspective.
I have seen many different kinds of individuals.
Some, dwell in it, refusing to move forward. The pain serves a function. Some for self-redemption (punishment), some to fish comfort, some as a reminder of a certain past one cannot let go - many different reasons.
Some, want to get out of it quickly to a point it is being ignored. Eventually, like an untreated deep wound, infection grew and affect many different "parts of a body".
Some, ignorant of it, and refuse to feel it. Avoiding it through hardened hearts, so to protect themselves and also to ensure self-preservation. And one day, when a certain trigger comes about, the entire buried "unfinished business" erupted like a sleeping volcano.
Some, seek for pain like an addiction, because beneath the pain there is a kind of pleasure. Because, the pain make their "zombified" being feel alive again.
In essence, many people deal with pain differently.
And for the past 30 years of life, I do my best to "outrun" pain, or can I say, find a "cure" to pain? Perhaps this is what triggers me into joining this profession. I wanted to find an answer to deal with pain once and for all. Idealistic, isn't it?
But I have to admit that my obsession in "eradicating pain" has brought me through an amazing journey of self-discovery, and now, to this place. I have to admit, I do not know pain in its full entirety at this point. But I have begun to see pain as a friend.
Sadistic, much? Hear me out...
As a therapist, I sat with pains that were brought about by many others. And in order to connect and empathize well with them, I have to allow myself to go that place, where I have experienced pain before in my life. Some thought that being a therapist, and a professional, god-forbid that we should feel at all. Else we could not be objective.
Well, here is the eye-opening truth for us all. A good therapist, must be willing to experience pain. If we do not know pain, we cannot go to that place of connection and identify with our clients. If I have learned anything in the past 2 years in being a beginning therapist, is that professional methods are helpful in solving a symptom (and yes, to curb our own anxiety as beginning therapist because that is one thing that we probably feel would bring the "least harm" to clients and ourselves), but the personal element of a therapist (experience, connection, empathy, and finally the formation of a trusting therapeutic alliance) is crucial in the process of deep-rooted healing.
I went into Masters, all geared up. Thinking that I am equipping myself to "save the world" from pains and hurts. Oh, how wrong was I. Masters had changed me in so many ways, so much so, that my entire worldview experienced a drastic shift. In the 2 years of learning, I began to deal with all my internal discomfort of dealing with pain. Painful experience? You bet! It was the time where my emotions went high and low, learning what were my trigger points, what were my unfinished business and so many more. It was a humbling experience. What "superhero" did I think I am going to be? Rising above all, and rescuing the "fellow civilians?" Oh, the pride I had! (Superhero complex).
And finally being a beginning therapist, sitting with different kinds of pain....watching my clients grow, witnessing how they became friends with pain and rose above these discomfort. To the day, I sat with my own pain and grief....I began to see the value of pain.
Grief had been a big part of my life ever since July 2017. Not because anyone died. But the reality of me leaving the life, the family, the relationships, the community, friends, job, place that had been a big part of me for the past decade began sinking in. As usual, it started off with a lot of avoidance. And anger/ frustrations toward issues and myself. These manifestation of emotions began to make me reflect on what is going on internally.
Then, a meet up with my supervisor changed me. I was so pre-occupied with making sure that I end things well, handover was done properly (which I thought was the sole culprit of all my frustrations). And she stopped me as I was in the midst of my rant about the professional-required do's and don'ts - asking me: Hazel, what about you? What is the ritual you need for your closure.
Oblivious, I asked - "Huh? What closure? All these thing I am doing to end my case well etc. are closures no?"
With her motherly gaze she said (probably thinking: oh you poor, oblivious young thing haha): "Hazel, you are leaving many things at once.. Many would get married and just leave their title of singlehood. But you are leaving your life as a single, your life in KL for the past 10 years, increased distance with your family, leaving your church, your friends, the city you are so familiar with, your favorite restaurants, your job, your clients -- you are leaving a lot. Have you thought of how are you going to give all of these a "proper burial"?"
That struck me and disturbed my sleep that night. I thought long and hard about what she said. I knew I was leaving a lot of things. But I did not allow myself to "feel" or "process" much with the excuse that I had too many things to get settled. Its all the "objective solutions" and none of the emotional processes were given leeway. That night, I decided that it is time to go beyond the objective solutions. To avoid from feeling overwhelmed (I still need to work, ya know?), I began allowing myself to process and say goodbye to one thing at a time. Every meet up and trip became intentional. Every post and personal messages of goodbye were being crafted for a closure. Serving in church for the last time, and sitting in my last service for the last time...all became really meaningful. I savored every minute of it. It is not that I will not come back ever or meet these people ever. I remember someone saying this: "you are not dying! and we can always meet again!"
But acknowledging that the next time I return, it would be different. So while the moment last, I wanted to be present. I allowed myself the time to say goodbye and be emotional because these pains deserve the attention. Yes we may meet. But my priorities will change....and because these connections, place, job, experiences mattered in this season of my life, I felt it was necessary to say goodbye to them at its form now.
As expected, the moment I decided to allow the pain within to surface....the floodgates open. You cannot imagine the countless times I cried, wrote random messages, and the amount of time I went back to a particular place, to just savor the food, the environment. Sitting...and just being present. Tearing up, laughing....each emotions were given their respectful time and place. I am glad that I did it.
As I drove to church one day. One of my final services in church....it struck me. The pain that I was so passionate in "solving" and "eradicating" is so necessary in life. If only everyone knew the power of pain (if well-channeled and utilized). Pain is a Great teacher. We can learn from textbooks about the do's and don'ts in life. But it was true experiential pain that helps us grow and learn life lessons. Come to think about it, the most significant growth in most of our lives are moments of "pain" isn't it?
It is not pain that causes mankind problems. It is the mismanagement and misinterpretation of this emotion that propelled so much more troubles today.
Perhaps this could answer to why God did not eradicate sufferings even when He loves us? We'll never know... :)
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