My wedding day, was a significant moment for me. Precisely because, I did not try to suppress any emotions at all. I was present for each emotion I consciously felt. The thrill and happiness of starting a new life with the love of my life, the awareness of the pain that this decision may bring about, the losses I would be feeling. It was a wedding and a "burial" at the same time. Many felt it was because I sacrificed for Kelvin, but truth be told...I have never felt I sacrificed anything. While it is not easy to leave the life I know, I gained the excitement of a new life (not everyone can do that) and the happiness of being with the one I love. In other words, I am too gaining something for myself from this decision (I am not so noble lah!).
But back to the topic of pain: my wedding day....was the proper burial that I have anticipated and prepared for. Months before the wedding happened, I had made it a point, that I wanted it to be meaningful, and for my honest feelings to surface without hindrance. To savor each properly-managed emotions as they come without judgment. My parents were crying, when they handed me over to Kelvin. And I cried with them...letting them feel these emotions without judgment was very important for me....because I wanted them to have their fair share of "closures" as much as I wanted mine. And for them to be comfortable with their emotions, I had to be comfortable with mine.
So we cried before the wedding. We cried during the wedding....and for all we know, we will still occasionally cry when we miss one another. Well, I am not sure for them, but I do. Grieving a certain change is a process anyway. But this entire experience, had caused me to send messages that I had never sent before in the past. To be honest with how I feel and to say all I wanted to say. Precisely because of that, every now and then when I feel a certain emotions, I still text them and tell them how I feel without holding back. I love it that I could do this now, more than before. Wouldn't have it any other way. And to sit with the discomfort of pain, has made me live life more authentically. Even when I express love, I am more extravagant in my expression (or so I thought...got to verify with the hubs haha!).
This experience made me realize who are those I truly treasure, those that I would decide and make an effort to stay in touch with. To learn to seize each moment, be present and be honest. Well, I am not fully there yet, but am making efforts.
The surprise video I made for my husband before I walked down the aisle, was a closure for myself and hopefully for my husband. To remind him, the entire journey of being boyfriend and girlfriend, how great it was, and acknowledged the strength the relationships had given me. Now entering marriage, the dynamics will be different. Hence, closing that chapter, and preparing for a new one. Now, of course, while I was plotting that video I did not intentionally plan with all that in mind (Haha! I am not so smart). I just followed my heart because I felt it would be meaningful....and on hindsight, I am really glad I did it. It was a good closure. Now looking back at the video, I still tear up reminiscing how far we came :)
Walking down the aisle, with my crying parents, I saw my husband cried. First time in my life. He never cried, at least not in front of me ever in our dating years. I am not sure why. He said the video made him well up. Me walking down, he just could not control the flow of his tears. Maybe he is grieving the loss of singlehood (haha!), maybe he is overwhelmingly joyful for what is to come, maybe he finally remembered how much we have been through together....We will never really know....because he claimed he doesn't know :P (it doesn't matter anyway).
But in that exchange, we were all crying each for our own reasons. For me, there was a mixture of happiness and sadness. Complex. And I loved the fact that I was present, and aware of all the emotions that surfaced that day. I allowed each emotion to take its place, because each of them deserve my attention despite its complexity. Life is complex anyway. We further cried during worship, vow exchange, speeches, performances - with the creative mix of emotions. And now, reflecting back on that very day.... I remembered thinking this to myself: This is the wedding I have always dreamed of. Not because of the venue, the deco, the luxuries, the food or what not. But the wedding that we were all emotionally present for one another, with one another.
It will be the wedding with a deepest sense of memory and meaning for me. And for those of us who felt something that night.
All these happened, because of one decision. When I decided to change my lens and approach toward pain and subsequently toward emotions as a whole (why do we label them positive or negative anyway).
Emotions are neutral. We need to know how to address them and at the right time and give them a proper place. Management is the key. Emotions remind us that we are alive. Those who do not feel much emotions (i.e. sociopath) suffer daily feeling "dead" on the inside, in search for something just to "feel" a little.
Pain, is a friend....if we treat them well.
An enemy if we starve or overfed them.
Pain in good amount, is the key to growth.
And in the future, I hope that I can teach my children to embrace pain in adequate amount, manage emotions well, to be there to journey through the process with them, and finally letting these emotional experiences be the teacher.
The most resilient people I know, are those who experienced pain on almost daily basis (i.e. refugees). The irony of pain is that while it hurts you, it also builds you up (if managed well). Having said all that, there were also of course complexity to pain in its manifestation and we cannot always welcome and generalize pain, and it may not always be good. But that would be an entire different topic from what I am writing about here.
I know I have so much more to learn about this emotion. But for now, I have learned one thing.
The world does not need "rescuing" from pain.
The world perhaps need to get-to-know pain from a different facade.
Perhaps, this post too serves as a closure - one way or another :)
