Monday, June 25, 2018

The Dance Between Who You Once Were and Who You Are Becoming

Here listening to "Good Good Father" by Chris Tomlin after a long day at workshop and a good catch up dinner with Karen and Shu Yi.

Was planning to call it an early night, and go to bed. Wasn't feeling very well with deprived sleep and travelling. These days, the body don't take exhaustion that well. Haha. But here I am, wide awake....writing a blog. Triggered by thoughts that surfaced at workshop and at dinner. And also now...wakefulness (I blame the shower :P)

These few months have been nothing short of amazing. God's goodness over our lives were just overwhelming. The transitions that I go through hasn't ended. As much as I want all the transition to pass quickly so I can be on full swing, I guess I have to just learn to sit with the discomfort and trust the process. After all, there are so many things to be grateful for. What a time to be alive! Many major events had occurred, hence the continuous transitions. Yet, this is the season that I would never want to forget. I am commemorating it here. Moments I have searched, found, grew and learn so much about life as I know it.

Long story short. Kelvin was a candidate competing for MP for his constituency, and he won a great margin. While I have done my best preparing as a wife of an MP, I did not imagine that it would also be this time that there would be a change of government for the very first time. God heard the prayers and cries of Malaysians. So, Kelvin had not just become an MP, but a government MP. I am still wrapping my head around this fact, as it was the first time ever in history ever since our Independence Day in 1957 that there was a switch of government.

To this date it is almost two months. I guess the government is also still transitioning, and Malaysians have been nothing but supportive thus far. It has been really heartwarming to see that a cause many fought for to regain our voices as rakyat since a many years ago is finally coming to pass. For me, I started joining rallies since 2012, and my heart had been very moved by the causes fought since then. I guess this is what made Kelvin and I clicked in the first place.

But what I am about to share here, is more than just these amazing events, but a true, naked account of my journey as a wife and a person in these few months.

Ever since I said yes to Kelvin's proposal to marry him, he made it clear to me that the road ahead would not be easy. Because he had chosen to fight for the cause that he believes in actively (at that time still opposition) and that I need to be ready for him to perhaps face difficulties or be incarcerated for what he would be fighting for. I prepared myself psychologically for that as much as I can. Truth be told, it would probably be very different when I truly encounter it, but I guess better to have some form of preparation than be caught by surprise. LOL. It was a full-on support. I imagined myself as a wife who would be with him, assisting him in his office etc (since it would take some time to find a job after uprooting in Sarawak anyway).

However, in January 2018, while cleaning our new home (and while preparing for our wedding), I received a call from the Malaysian Ministry of Health, informing me that I am accepted to work in a government hospital in Sarawak as a clinical psychologist. This is another miraculous story to share but I shall keep it for another day. Basically, I got a dream job literally "dropping on my lap" because I have always wanted to reach the lower income bracket population with the services I can provide. Working in a government hospital provided me that platform.

But this calls for a change of plan. Back then, it was a different government. And with the law saying that government servant should not be involved in any political party work, and me being the scaredy cat that is quite afraid of what may befall an opposition party politician's wife (as we have heard countless accounts of how previous government is capable of making a hell out of people's living), I was living a life of "hiding" - fearful others may know who I am related to, and becoming very cautious of how I would not appear to be related to opposition (because I do not want to lose my dream job). However, I wanted to support my husband very badly. And being apart from him during the toughest time of his career (preparation for election) was just killing me, as I had to be trained in another state. To compensate it, I began helping him indirectly, such as giving feedbacks through the "ceramahs" I watched via Facebook Live. To a point, I felt it probably became slightly overwhelming for him (the feedbacks :P). I flew in and out and gave the best I could. But still, deep down....I knew  very well, that I was in hiding.

It was a whole load of internal conflicts. On one hand, I am really proud of my husband, but on another hand, I was afraid I may lose my job. Plus the whole notion that I do not want to be my husband's extension (i.e. known only as Kelvin's wife, and lose my identity), the fear of me losing my identity makes me fought even harder to keep my job. Which means, compromising the things I would have done, or roles I would have played in a heartbeat for Kelvin, if I weren't a government servant. So this conflict, resulted in me resorting to temporary solution. Whereby, I filtered my Instagram name list, and only leave names which are familiar or have prior known me and Kelvin before the election period. I was proud of Kelvin's hard work and I wanted a means to express these feelings. So, I resorted to insta-stories (which would be taken down in 24 hours), and refused to add other new colleagues (except one or two) into my list in fear that they may find out who I am and get me in trouble. 

With these postings, I get to gratify my pride and how I felt toward Kelvin, and also to some extent make up for the sadness or loss of not being to be physically there for him or even openly supporting him at a crucial moment of the election. I also justified my actions with: hey these postings are only limited people or people who have known us, and the posts are only up there for 24 hours. LOL.

But then he won. And when we were invited to the nomination centre to witness his winning, I was in fear again. Because pictures were taken of me by the media....and...that instant I was concerned...what if I lose my job? At that time, we weren't sure if PH or BN would be the government yet. And then comes the time when PH won, and government change was finalized. I was still feeling afraid and was still in hiding. This time, the fear was different. Fearing that if colleagues especially know my husband is an MP, would there be less genuine relationships? Would people come to me with motives? Would I be given favour not because of my abilities? Would I lose my identity?

And this whole struggles played out for several weeks. In that period of time, I attempted to keep my husband away from my life at 8am to 5pm, hopefully Hazel can be seen as Hazel for her own abilities....and fully become  a wife after 5pm. LOL. Crazy? Yes. I didn't feel at peace or right at all. Something was definitely missing. It wasn't until one day when Kelvin ask me...."Dear, you are married to me. Why do you not want people to know your husband and what he does?"

It was that question that hit something within me and made me reflect. It was a God-moment. That question reminded me of the vows I made at the aisle, and what I said yes to. When I said yes, I said yes to all that comes with being Kelvin's wife. He is such a big part of my life, and yet I tried to deny his existence in my life? That's quite crazy of me! But it was also then I realized that I am not practicing what I have told him. That in this marriage, we are both team Hazel and both team Kelvin. But for a period of time, I actually quit team Kelvin from 8am to 5pm (haha!).

On hindsight, God made it easier for me through the change of government, and the chance of losing a job because I am an opposition MP's wife now reduced significantly. But yet, I was still fearful of losing my own identity, that others may not see me as me, but me as who I am related to. So I asked myself these questions: is this truly how or what not losing my identity is about? Is my identity now really ONLY about me and my aspirations? Am I willing to go through the possible difficulties that come with being Kelvin's wife? Can I embrace all that comes with being in this position at present?

Yes...that would mean there may be some less genuine relationships, and yes...someone may also see me for my connections instead of recognizing my abilities.....this also mean I may possibly need to try harder to be seen as I really am. To sit with the discomfort of not knowing. To sit with the discomfort that comes with this new life, the anxiety of the transition, without trying too hard to resist it. For some time, I was trying to runaway from the possible difficulties. But I have come to a point of resolution within myself (at least for now) to embrace.

To embrace the fact that this is my identity now. I am fully Hazel with all her capabilities and fully Hazel - Kelvin's wife at the same time. I am not either or, I do not need to choose between the two. I am both, and this is where I am and who I am now. I need to learn how to live this two now. Do I still feel anxious at times? Yes....because its only human. So I am not going to set an unrealistic expectation that I should not be anxious at all... But rather, be aware that it will be a struggle, because this whole thing is new! And its still a time of transition. AND....that is OK....

I do not need to have it all resolve already. Even as I am writing this, I am not there yet. In fact, I believe it is going to be a lifetime experience. If we all can arrived so easily, then there is nothing else to learn about life, isn't it? But at present, I am contented in adopting the posture of learning to embrace that I am both. 8am to 5pm I am fully Hazel with her capabilities and Hazel, the wife of Kelvin. 24 hours, I am Hazel with her full capabilities and Hazel, the wife of Kelvin. Do I need to be careful with what I say or post? A loud resounding yes. Because now, I too represent my husband and like it or not....our lives are intertwined to some measure. What I say, will affect his life and vice versa. But I no longer want to deny, runaway and reject this new place I am at. For now, this is my conviction.

I am not sure how many of you go through the same struggles I go through where your life changes, and you are afraid that these changes may take away a part of you. Because of that, you become anxious and frantically try to maintain the life you know, in some ways attempting to preserve that part of you. But in doing so, you also begin to realize that you are also losing another part of yourself. Because the truth is, it is not about one part over the other. Changes make parts of us evolve, and this evolution of ourselves require us to accept both parts (which have now become one) to move forward. Embracing may not come easy. It takes a lot of awareness, courage and strength. Thus, take comfort even in the struggles. Accept the anxieties that may come with it without trying too hard to resolve it or give too much attention to it. After all, life without struggles is life without pulse.

Life is complicated. Let's not expect it to be simple. Let's trust the process, enjoy the journey... and learn to breathe :)

*post inspired over a dinner conversation*