It took me awhile to write this. But I think it is worth the wait. At least, that's what I think :)
Pain, has been a very difficult topic to discuss.
Mainly because, the word "pain" in itself signifies a lot of unpleasant feelings, memories and responses.
Yet, in my past almost 2 years in clinical practice, I have dealt with pain on almost a daily basis.
It gave me a new perspective.
I have seen many different kinds of individuals.
Some, dwell in it, refusing to move forward. The pain serves a function. Some for self-redemption (punishment), some to fish comfort, some as a reminder of a certain past one cannot let go - many different reasons.
Some, want to get out of it quickly to a point it is being ignored. Eventually, like an untreated deep wound, infection grew and affect many different "parts of a body".
Some, ignorant of it, and refuse to feel it. Avoiding it through hardened hearts, so to protect themselves and also to ensure self-preservation. And one day, when a certain trigger comes about, the entire buried "unfinished business" erupted like a sleeping volcano.
Some, seek for pain like an addiction, because beneath the pain there is a kind of pleasure. Because, the pain make their "zombified" being feel alive again.
In essence, many people deal with pain differently.
And for the past 30 years of life, I do my best to "outrun" pain, or can I say, find a "cure" to pain? Perhaps this is what triggers me into joining this profession. I wanted to find an answer to deal with pain once and for all. Idealistic, isn't it?
But I have to admit that my obsession in "eradicating pain" has brought me through an amazing journey of self-discovery, and now, to this place. I have to admit, I do not know pain in its full entirety at this point. But I have begun to see pain as a friend.
Sadistic, much? Hear me out...
As a therapist, I sat with pains that were brought about by many others. And in order to connect and empathize well with them, I have to allow myself to go that place, where I have experienced pain before in my life. Some thought that being a therapist, and a professional, god-forbid that we should feel at all. Else we could not be objective.
Well, here is the eye-opening truth for us all. A good therapist, must be willing to experience pain. If we do not know pain, we cannot go to that place of connection and identify with our clients. If I have learned anything in the past 2 years in being a beginning therapist, is that professional methods are helpful in solving a symptom (and yes, to curb our own anxiety as beginning therapist because that is one thing that we probably feel would bring the "least harm" to clients and ourselves), but the personal element of a therapist (experience, connection, empathy, and finally the formation of a trusting therapeutic alliance) is crucial in the process of deep-rooted healing.
I went into Masters, all geared up. Thinking that I am equipping myself to "save the world" from pains and hurts. Oh, how wrong was I. Masters had changed me in so many ways, so much so, that my entire worldview experienced a drastic shift. In the 2 years of learning, I began to deal with all my internal discomfort of dealing with pain. Painful experience? You bet! It was the time where my emotions went high and low, learning what were my trigger points, what were my unfinished business and so many more. It was a humbling experience. What "superhero" did I think I am going to be? Rising above all, and rescuing the "fellow civilians?" Oh, the pride I had! (Superhero complex).
And finally being a beginning therapist, sitting with different kinds of pain....watching my clients grow, witnessing how they became friends with pain and rose above these discomfort. To the day, I sat with my own pain and grief....I began to see the value of pain.
Grief had been a big part of my life ever since July 2017. Not because anyone died. But the reality of me leaving the life, the family, the relationships, the community, friends, job, place that had been a big part of me for the past decade began sinking in. As usual, it started off with a lot of avoidance. And anger/ frustrations toward issues and myself. These manifestation of emotions began to make me reflect on what is going on internally.
Then, a meet up with my supervisor changed me. I was so pre-occupied with making sure that I end things well, handover was done properly (which I thought was the sole culprit of all my frustrations). And she stopped me as I was in the midst of my rant about the professional-required do's and don'ts - asking me: Hazel, what about you? What is the ritual you need for your closure.
Oblivious, I asked - "Huh? What closure? All these thing I am doing to end my case well etc. are closures no?"
With her motherly gaze she said (probably thinking: oh you poor, oblivious young thing haha): "Hazel, you are leaving many things at once.. Many would get married and just leave their title of singlehood. But you are leaving your life as a single, your life in KL for the past 10 years, increased distance with your family, leaving your church, your friends, the city you are so familiar with, your favorite restaurants, your job, your clients -- you are leaving a lot. Have you thought of how are you going to give all of these a "proper burial"?"
That struck me and disturbed my sleep that night. I thought long and hard about what she said. I knew I was leaving a lot of things. But I did not allow myself to "feel" or "process" much with the excuse that I had too many things to get settled. Its all the "objective solutions" and none of the emotional processes were given leeway. That night, I decided that it is time to go beyond the objective solutions. To avoid from feeling overwhelmed (I still need to work, ya know?), I began allowing myself to process and say goodbye to one thing at a time. Every meet up and trip became intentional. Every post and personal messages of goodbye were being crafted for a closure. Serving in church for the last time, and sitting in my last service for the last time...all became really meaningful. I savored every minute of it. It is not that I will not come back ever or meet these people ever. I remember someone saying this: "you are not dying! and we can always meet again!"
But acknowledging that the next time I return, it would be different. So while the moment last, I wanted to be present. I allowed myself the time to say goodbye and be emotional because these pains deserve the attention. Yes we may meet. But my priorities will change....and because these connections, place, job, experiences mattered in this season of my life, I felt it was necessary to say goodbye to them at its form now.
As expected, the moment I decided to allow the pain within to surface....the floodgates open. You cannot imagine the countless times I cried, wrote random messages, and the amount of time I went back to a particular place, to just savor the food, the environment. Sitting...and just being present. Tearing up, laughing....each emotions were given their respectful time and place. I am glad that I did it.
As I drove to church one day. One of my final services in church....it struck me. The pain that I was so passionate in "solving" and "eradicating" is so necessary in life. If only everyone knew the power of pain (if well-channeled and utilized). Pain is a Great teacher. We can learn from textbooks about the do's and don'ts in life. But it was true experiential pain that helps us grow and learn life lessons. Come to think about it, the most significant growth in most of our lives are moments of "pain" isn't it?
It is not pain that causes mankind problems. It is the mismanagement and misinterpretation of this emotion that propelled so much more troubles today.
Perhaps this could answer to why God did not eradicate sufferings even when He loves us? We'll never know... :)
