Thursday, April 9, 2015

Do you know Jesus' concerns?


It has been a tough journey. But I am learning to speak the right words and laugh at all the lies of the enemies. That has been the key to overcoming so many events that happened recently. His grace indeed is enough.

See, when I first signed up for this course, I thought it was about me equipping myself for a call God has for me. The human trafficking sphere in need of God's soldier to answer and meet needs. So I put both hands and feet up high and say...."here God here! Send me!....Hazel is here to rescue!!"

But Pastor Pat was right. I thought I had a dream and ...yayy....but little did I know...that was just the beginning of all the problems.

There were many resistances apart from financial restrains and other personal matters I am dealing with. At one point, I was considering if quitting the course and start to fend for myself would be a better option to relieve financial burdens. Thesis topic seem impossible when I could not access any sex workers or trafficked victims initially (yes, that's what I intend to do with my Masters thesis), because they are my main population for my thesis. And placement in a good hospital seem to be bleak as HKL was not open for HELP students to come in, and I am left to choose from Sg Buloh and Kajang Hospital. But Kajang has very few clinical cases to experience, only mostly assessment cases (i.e. IQ test, ADHD test etc), which was not what I had in mind. I intend to experience working with psychotic patients and etc.... and Sg Buloh is left with ONE spot as one of my friend was already accepted since early this year (only 2 places). BUT......God saved the day. Every one of them resolved right at the dot. Not too early, not too late.  

God knew me better than that. The entire course, one of the biggest struggle I face is to not just juggle with the stress of the demandingness of the course, but the explosion of self awareness. We are trained to be self-aware -- key to minimize harm to our clients during session (knowing what triggers us, and which are client's problem, which are ours)....to an extent I notice so much about myself.

And that is when I knew God true purpose for this course. It was for me. So I thought He was sending me into the course to equip me for what burdens my heart. But the truth of the matter is...He was more concerned about ME. Not what I can offer. 

One of them happened last week -- I have been going through a lot of anxiety, because I went into hospital Sg Buloh for the first time last Tuesday...and realize that the specialist wasn't expecting me (they only wanted ONE trainee, which my friend already gotten the spot since January)....miscomm between him and my supervisor. But long story short, at the end he decided to keep me because I can speak mandarin and there are many Chinese patients. Hallelujah!! For one of the very few times in life, I am really really glad that my "setengah tong" of mandarin and hokkien are assets. 

With that, I felt rather  unwelcomed, as the HOD was doing me a favor in that sense. So I felt a little ignored etc. Knowing that politics exist in hospital...I began to try to "impress" nurses etc even on the second visit to the hospital (I haven't even start practicum yet), just to ensure that my life in hospital won't be hell.

But little did I know, that it became my main focus. All I spoke about (Kelvin can be the witness...) is about how to make sure that I won't make mistake and to make a good impression during my visits. Patients well being...suddenly become a distant memory. Poor Kelvin have a tough time reminding me of what are my purposes doing this course in the first place. So I began asking myself....why am I in Hospital Sg Buloh?...it was just to ensure I can graduate with a good name, and everyone likes me. It is not about learning my best so I am equipped enough for my patients.

Realizing that, last Wednesday, I broke down in front of Kelvin. And I told him....I don't know why am I staying in this course anymore. It felt so selfish. I am living in fear and most of the time its a revelation hours later....Is this really for God, or for me? Its about getting good grades, being accepted, being liked. If I am going to be like that, I will quit this course. Because it is no longer for the right reasons (emotional words definitely...hahha).

But that very moment, I began to evaluate the content of my heart. What was the original reason I signed up. And what made me divert from the original purpose? What fear? What's my beliefs about rejections? Honestly...living in Jesus' kingdom, and living by His governing law, is not easy...not natural for the flesh. Tendency is to sway and be selfish, be defensive...even though it seems to be convincing to the world and to myself, that I am doing it for God. For Jesus. To make Him famous. When I am seen as "capable" to others, I am worthy, making Jesus proud, and famous, representing Him well! Yeah! So Christ-centered right? ~ sadly, it was just a selfish facet. I was ABSOLUTELY wrong. 

That was NEVER His concern. That was MY concern. Because deep down the ugly truth is, if the world sees me, then I am important enough to tell people about Jesus. So I came first. Jesus came second. Unconsciously I m still living to the notion of the past, whereby, doing well, means making your parents proud. 

Reading two articles about Jesus during Easter hit me this week. Can I be secure even from a position of a minority to representing His heart? It is about knowing His heart...His heart is never about needing a name blared loudly about Him. He is not that narcissistic. I made Him look narcissistic. He loves people for people. Genuinely. Period. That's it. Not for fame. And I have over and over misrepresented Him. 

I have been in this journey of faith for 10 over years. Yet I am still struggling in my flesh and sometimes overcomplicate and misunderstand His heart entirely. But I want to be different. I want to represent the true content of His heart. Love. Period. And the ugly truth is, it is still a struggle. I am not there yet. I am still in this journey challenging myself to breakthrough in all these self-focus statements and actions. Jesus HAS to be in the picture. I realize moments when I am fearful, I only thought about myself, and my needs. 

Practicum started in the hospital for me. And I really want to represent His heart. More than ever, I need to be dependent on Him. I need to be broken from these chains....and only draw from the RIVER of living water. That's where I belong. Not in the prison of materialism.

Knowing my Abba now.....I am clear and glad that I am exactly where He wants me to be right now. Here...in this place of struggle, and a place where I constantly draw closer and closer to Him. Does He need me to be perfect? No.....I need me to be perfect. Not Him. He is happy with me......even in my struggle and my shortcomings. And knowing who Daddy loves, humbles me...gives me courage and grace to love others and especially myself....in the faces of shortcomings.

And honestly, this LOVE in the faces of shortcomings (yes, even toward myself) is a dynamite...a weapon of destruction deploy for all lies. 

I wish I can make the world see how powerful this is. Because in all honesty, I am not perfect, but realizing this, have given me so much strength. I wish you can come to see this. If you haven't...I pray that God will reveal to you.

Past three days I have been in hospital with psychiatric patients. And this realization of how I have been misrepresenting God, and really....who He is, totally turn me around. I stopped striving, and I walk around confidently even amongst psychiatric patients who rambles senselessly some disconnected stories.....I found my heart soften every single time I look them in the eye.


Suddenly, "me" and "all my circumstances" microsized. The focus change. Because I KNOW, my Father takes care of me, and all my needs no matter what. It was never about equipping me for a greater cause. He is not concerned about how well I can handle the issues of the world. He is concerned about me. My well being and how much He loves me. I know this may sound crazy, but in all the turmoils I face, I cannot help but feel SO EXTRAVAGANTLY LOVED...

And it is out of this love (that we often time forget as human beings - FORGETFUL human beings), is where your heart melts for everything that moves His heart. It is not about being equipped for a work. Nothing is work when you have so much love. When you understand and see how much He loves you and still pursues you, you see how much He loves and pursues others.....you just can't help but see Him in everything. And because He loves these patients a lot, I can't help but love who my Daddy loves....

So you see, I thought I signed up to be equipped. But instead, I signed up for an unexpected journey of self-discovery, because My Daddy is just so in love with me.

I wish the world sees....


P/S: These are the articles I was talking about earlier. Worth reading!