But it was also these times, that I find myself having my identity being questioned from within again and again. Have been sharing this with Charis Lian and Phoebe...
Well...both of them said the same thing. "Somebody" is obviously not happy with my progress and is trying to bring in much doubts and etc.
I understand the concept really. But yea, this is not a "new" scenario. They are "old friends" or rather...the "old enemies" who has been silent for quite awhile now. Now coming back...the one that question my self-esteem and self worth....the battle that could possibly be my personal lifelong battle.....I recognized them attempting to take over my mind and ears again.
This season, I find many things causing me to rethink and rethink...of the decision I have made. So I have decided to be different in the pursuit of the heart of my Father. That invite some different opinions which is quite common, or so it seems to me? Nobody said it in my face really.
Nonetheless, my identity-questioning cycle begun. And I have the ups and downs of feeling good and bad etc.....And made decisions, said things that I regret....trying to justify my feelings that it is ok...it is all an "attack"....Justification after justification of trying to make myself feel better. I actually consciously watch how I was affected by many little circumstances, comments, decisions...
So I came to an end of myself today. I prayed....and I said....God....take away this feeling please! I don't want to question, I don't want to doubt, I don't want to have this struggle. I know what I want....and I don't want to exchange that for anything, but why do I still have such struggles?
I asked God....why Daddy....
I have been so in love with You. And now, why all these identity questioning voices that is making me frustrated
and I have been trying so hard to make myself feel better and I said stuff and even justify with ways that I am not even proud of.
What happened? I just want to be madly deeply in love with You.
Silence....
Then a still small voice came: perfect love cast out all fears....
Perfect LOVE cast out all fears
In the midst of me taking risk, as I make decisions to be undignified before God, as small subtle reactions brought back the common fear that I have been battling my lifetime...
Fear of opinion of men, which I have always allowed to define my identity for the past 20 over years.
As I became clearer this season how these voices are not from God, I recognize the target of the enemy was my identity.....I wrestled with this feelings...and tried so many ways to make myself feel better...ways that possibly cause detrimental effects....because I was trying so hard
What was missing....I did not involve God in my battle.
As I just prayed...and allowed the silence to grow louder....I can almost feel His embrace, and Him saying...."child, my yolk is easy and my burden is light....you don't even need to wrestle. You just need to rest in me. Let me take over. Perfect love comes...fear will leave"
I want to live abandoned, Daddy. I really want it. I really want it. I know it is gonna cause a lot of turmoil of struggles as I draw closer with You.....But I really want to live abandoned. And I don't want to exchange this for anything at all.....
I cried so so much as I listened to this worship song.
Freedom in my Spirit. Freedom in His love......All or nothing....Deep deep deep....
Today I learned that victory and freedom doesn't come without a price. Almost always victory and freedom couple with a struggle from within. And that is when we are tested in our dependency. If you even take credit or glory for anything, you will take responsibility to fight the struggle
But when you don't take any glory for yourself...you will understand nothing belongs to you and the fight belongs to God. Just live abandoned and surrender...to just be filled and let Him take that fear away. No formula. No struggle.
Test my faith, my trust, my dependency.....Help me in my unbelief. Refine me with fire....Lord, let me live abandoned for You. All or nothing.
More Lord...More.....only You....
