This is a private thought that I develop recently. But I have decided that it should be spoken of. Because it is necessary for many women to know. I have been reading the book "Captivating" recently and I am greatly impacted by it. Not because it made me stronger, but it made me more comfortable to be a true woman.
In the deepest core of every woman, there is a longing for relationship. Any kind. See, men are made to go for battles, to lead and fight for a cause. But women are made for relationships. They are made to care, love and nurture. Hence in every heart of a woman, they are searching for a relationship and eventually a husband when two become one, in hope to feel complete with it. Hence the reason why many people call their partners my other HALF.....this is true, because they literally feel incomplete until they meet their other HALF. But let me burst the bubble. This HALF will never completely complete your life. Yes, momentarily you feel so fulfilled and good only to slowly discover, the feeling will slowly fade off.
I am no different from any woman. I too hope to be married and have a family one day. But see, I am a leader, and I know how dangerous these longing can grow to be. I have seen a fair deal of cases whereby strong Christian women fall from their destiny because of relationships. And it began to sink in within me two years ago, that this is a serious issue to be extremely cautious about. Women need to understand and know that having a man does not fully complete them. But having Jesus does. Well....as a well-meaning Christian, we always say these things....but I believe we all agree that it is easier said than done. Or rather, it is easier said than understood. I tell many other women (Especially in my younger days) countless times that Jesus alone will fill every gap.
Yes. We can say and proclaim principles. But what is true, is still the feelings you are feeling, the longing that is within you. They are real. And mind you, every strong Christian women do know (and are aware) that it is especially DANGEROUS when we feel incomplete until THE ONE comes along to sweep us off our feet. Yet why so many still fall for this very reason?
So what's the solution? I have been asking the same thing. I asked God when one of my very good friends fell for this reason. I asked God....is that longing that real? I thought having You alone is enough?? So I judged and concluded that these women do not really have a very strong relationship with God. They fell, because they were looking for love in all the wrong places. They did not come to God. Initially, I thought having that "longing" feeling is actually wrong, problematic. Until when I begin to notice, if I really ask and question myself....I too want to get married to a good husband and build a family. I too have that longing! Hence, I try to suppress the feelings, dismiss them, constantly telling God and myself....this is a TEMPTATION! It is not suppose to be felt....no I should feel completely fine.....
And how do I react? I bury them. I bury the longing, I bury the desire to feel beautiful, I bury everything under piles and piles of ministry work....in the name of doing God's work, and made for a higher call....sounding all spiritual.....because I believe in the faulty belief that the reason why that "TEMPTATION" exist is because we are too free. Spiritually void. Too many free slots to think about stupid, unimportant stuff (yes, I label them as stupid and unimportant). So I dismiss them. Everytime before it surface I just shut it and pray, do the work of God...and tell God to "take away the temptation"....basically I was afraid to fall...so afraid that I wanted to stop being a woman.
Not realizing, that I have slowly dismiss the very reason why I was designed. For relationships.
That is how, I have reacted....as a woman who tries appearing spiritual to suppress the "wrong" "temptation". To me it was wrong. And it can be made gone like any other temptation. My leader, Shirley would have nagged me for being this rigid had I discover this earlier and tell this to her....but seriously. I was really like that. That was my mindset. To an extent, I shut all doors for male friendship....I became judgmental....and will not explore any friendship with MALES unless I am confirm 100% they have no intention. Because I think they are all unnecessary distractions. Shirley many times told me....I am SUPER RIGID!! hahahaa....And she actually asked me why am I like that? I didn't know why too because I just thought it was necessary. And we concluded that it could be because of past hurts. No doubt about that. But more so, recently I noticed, it is also because I dismissed myself being a woman.
I am glad I am learning. Really. Totally. Glad.
Now, what about those who do not have / employ what seems to be a "spiritual solution?"
The truth is this: When girls were younger, they have many other distractions, and they have many activities. But as they grow older, they begin looking for meaningful relationships and friendships. They filter their friends. Because they realize, they cannot pour their attention too much on anyone or anything at all.
But the danger is this....as they notice that meaningful relationships become gradually important, they begin searching for someone in other words to "complete" the longing (not just friendship but a soul mate that makes them feel WHOLE). Which is not right. See it is only natural, and I want to say this because I hope no girls think that they are being desperate. Desperation is not in the longing feeling. Desperation only happens when in response to the longing you do all you can to get someone to fill that space. Or to ACT in response to that longing you feel.
However, Christians women should have no issue in this because they have Jesus to complete them. But why do many ladies feel that longing still? Let me share with you my discovery. This is because we have never seen JESUS as capable to fill that void. Yes, we claim He is all we need, we claim He completes us, He is our Father, He is our Friend, He is our Helper, He is our Counselor, He is our Healer..... but we find it WRONG to see Him as our LOVER!
I am saying this, because I too find myself shrugging at the thought of thinking of Jesus as my lover. Because I felt it is disrespectful. Dysfunctional. How can Someone who is your Father becomes your Lover? That is when we put Jesus in a box. We see Him as only capable of playing one role not the other. But He gives unconditional love. He gives the Agape love which supercedes every kind of love ever exist in the history of mankind. Why can't I allow Him in, in this area of my life?
And that was when I begin to allow Him in, as my lover. Allow Him in to romance me, and even say romantic stuff to Him. Only to notice, I am not very good at it. Hahaha. Good training for me. But good thing is, He accepts me however I am. Romantic or not. However I want to show Him my love, I show Him and He will respond back.
Initially it may feel a little weird. But as You keep allowing Him in to fill that longing, He will eventually be all that you need. Now having said that, I am not saying that being single is sufficient. But you can be a single and not EXPECT any Prince Charming to come by and fill that void. Because Him alone is enough and sufficient. And the saying is true. It is only when you feel COMPLETE you are ready to give in a relationship. And not expect to take and take and take.
Love is about giving. Not the other way round. I personally felt complete in every area of love except for this. Not that I have been searching aggressively to find someone to fulfill all my Eros love, but I notice that in every area of loving, I felt totally whole with Jesus. But in this, I am not. Only to realize, I did not give my heart FULLY to Jesus. I gave every part, but the Eros love part. Because I thought....He cannot fill that. It is just weird to see Jesus as my lover. And I find it bizarre to "layan" Eros love, because to me, that is only distractions. Only to realize....no, it is actually not weird to see Jesus as a lover but absolutely necessary...and of course there must be a reason why Eros love is created by God! How could it be unnecessarily created? That is the reason why in many years down the road longings can evolve to desperation. Because people become in dire need to fill that "emptiness"....and yes....this includes Christian women.
Recently I am feeling a lot of unrest. I kinda feel I am in the process where I am trying to get Jesus out of the box? And to accept Him as my Lover and to see Him as one...unlearning all my fixed rigid mindset, and to see that it is ok to be romanced by Him and vice versa? It is quite a liberation when I am doing that. But the process getting there requires a lot of stepping out of the comfort zone I would say. To challenge my old belief system.
And I was learning to be more comfortable to be a woman again. To admit and say, yea I longed to be romanced too. Yea I longed to be beautiful. Not just seen as capable...but beautiful. To enjoy who I was made to be. I am still learning to get there. Cos it is honestly hard to change your belief system after so many years!! But yes....I am enjoying to be a real woman again.
And I am awaiting to be romanced by Jesus....every single day. And it is perfectly Ok. It is not a temptation, it is not a distraction. It is just natural.
So my dear women, you can have that longing, and not be desperate. All you need is to do is begin to embrace Jesus as your Lover. And no, it is not suppose to be weird. As much as you allow Him in every area of your life, do the same in this area too. With that, it is only logical and meaningful when we say "Jesus completes me"....Because He does not just play one role in my life. He plays EVERY ROLE :)
Be blessed!
