So, I am attached again...finally after four years. LOL. Many will ask how did the story go? Well, writing this blog, it is not for me to tell the world how it all started. But more so of me wanting to remember how it all happened...and how amazing it was for me because God was evidently in the picture. That was all I really wanted and been praying for...that my next relationship, God must be so involved in the picture, that it is founded, rooted, connected and only workable with Him :) ....well, just in case I have Alzheimer or some sort of dementia, or maybe brain damange ...hahaha...at least this blog will remind me of things.
So, here goes.... I have been praying for my future partner in 2012. Was taking a Sabbath in 2011 so therefore didn't intend to have any relationship then. So, Kelvin came to City Harvest at the middle of 2012. By end of 2012, I remember Charis Lian telling me about this guy whom I should meet because he is also going all rar rar for the nation. I was very involved back then with some cause the nation is fighting for....And guess where is the first time I met him? Manhunt Emerge KL. Haha.
Apparently he was challenged to join the competition. When I saw him and his first liner of "I am the man you are hunting for"....I was going all "eww...so narcissistic"....hahahaha....but who would have expected we would really end up together now? I was quite judgmental with him...in many areas...
The first time we worked together was our mission trip to Myanmar in 2012, then to the streets a few times in 2013. I already didn't have much of a good impression on him to begin with, therefore I tried being clear with him as much as possible whenever we communicated. I was very particular in emphasizing "we are just friend"....well so did he. He wasn't really interested back then, according to him. I guess that was something that might have kept the friendship going....because I didn't feel he had much intention. I did initially, when he started talking to me and so forth....I thought he had interest and I emphasize the "being friends thing even more"....but he really genuinely treated me as friends. Most times talking about politics and even the dreams we are pursuing....something that has probably helped in bringing my guard a little down to understand and know him better as a person.
So when I first knew him, I felt he wasn't broken enough (well, I didn't know him that well, but call me judgmental :P...I am just like that). So initially I am quite skeptical with this guy. But in the course of one year, I saw a lot of changes. He went through some tough times...and I began realizing the things that I used to judge him with, isn't really who he is. So, I began to be a more real friend, rather than a judging one. Haha....ask him, I have given him so many direct shots in the first few times we contacted :P...We grew closer as friends due to common ground, but nothing much happened yet. I guess God must have remembered my "best friend policy"....that I wanted a partner who is also a best friend first. One that started with pure, genuine friendship. I really thank God for His favor because at a certain age, it is often really hard to find a best friend of the opposite sex due to time and also peers limitation....but God gave me an opportunity on this one....because He knew how hard it is for my heart to open if it weren't for friendship first. So, thank You, Daddy G!
But that is just that.... still nothing much happened. We just kept talking...and noticed that our conversations couldn't end. One topic often linked to another...sometimes we don't even know how we get to a certain topic. LOL. Friendship. I enjoyed that very much.
Until about near end of last year I sensed he may have started liking me. Well, according to him he didn't like me until January 2014....so well, again perhaps (just perhaps) God knew I needed more time and this day would come....so He prepared me earlier? Cos if you know me, I am actually quite a fearful person. I was really afraid that this would be another failed relationship again....and I don't want to waste time or even to go through the tough times of healing from heartbreak again, so I was very careful. I needed to fast, pray and get confirmation from God...LOL...hence, God must have noticed I needed more time to resolve and open up my heart. Thus, I guess feeling that he already liked me last year is a good thing as much as it might be a "perasan" thing....LOL..... Because I started asking God for 5 signs to see if I should consider him or if he is a distraction.
1. (first sign is a secret. Haha)
2. That he would tell me that he would live a life similar to the story of Acts 4:19 -- Bold in the cause of Christ
3. Spiritual authority would approve of this, with that it means he must have broke through and also won their confidence that he is a man of character in some ways
4. He would love God more than he loves me (if he likes me)
5. He would pursue and fight for me (especially purity) in the right way
In all honesty he hit first 3 signs quite fast. And I was panicking. Cos too easy I feel. HAHAHA. So I try to uplevel the signs. So one day as my leader was asking me about relationships and so forth, I told my leader I needed green light from God....which means the fulfilment of 5 signs. And when I told her I uplevel the sign because I felt it was too easy, and I believed if God really wants us to be together, the signs will be fulfilled....I was rebuked. HAHAHA!
Shirley asked me....so is the sign a guide, or is the sign God? Because signs are meant to just be a guide...we as human still make choices....We still have freewill. And what if he hit all four except one? Would I just take it as a shut door? Then her husband came to tell me...bible did mention that only evil generation asked for signs....like the Children of Israel in the wilderness....even asked for signs when there are pillar of clouds and fire with them. HAHA. But then again, it is not wrong to ask for signs, but it should never be taking the place of God. God is still God.
I also got rebuked by God. Asking me...why do I need upleveling. What am I trying to prove? What am I afraid of? In all honesty, I was afraid of another failed relationship? Do I like Kelvin already then? Hmm....I didn't even dare to allow myself to ponder on this question or open up my heart to feel, because I was just too afraid to be hurt.......so ok....repent a little....I took down the upleveling of signs and acknowledged he fulfilled 3....I was still very determined with the other 2 being fulfilled. Hahaha.....guess what
Then I entered 40 days fast n prayer. I prayed for the relationship and God's will to be done. It was suppose to be also a preparation for Kingdom Invasion Conference. During Kingdom Invasion, I was basically avoiding him and any kind of contact because I didn't want any distraction, and I was still seeking God asking if he is a distraction....so I just didn't want any kind of contact. One of the worship session as I was worshipping, his face appeared in my head...and I was quick to pinpoint...YES GOD YES...does that mean he is a distraction? If yes, I am cutting him off NOW!! ....LOL.....no answer. Silence from Daddy G.
Then, he hit the 4th sign which is the confirmation that he will love God more than me or anything. I had an issue which I disagreed with him...about someone and he was telling me about how division is bad etc....and I couldn't agree with him. In Kingdom Invasion, I was convicted by God on this matter...God reminded me of the person me and Kelvin were once discussing about....How I have been tearing that person down, and in the Kingdom of God, I am sowing division. I immediately repented...and I acknowledged, Kelvin must be confident and close enough to God to even rebutt me on this. Well at that point is already March, so he already liked me for about a month and more.....but he stood his ground. Not sure if it is ego (:P hehe)...but yea, I am quite sure he is very much in love with God and the entire conference allowed me to see more of that side of his. Which is great...I just needed to know that a guy would not compromise for me, and would not even be less in God because of me. I wanted someone who loved God more than anything else. Still in discovery till today....but back then, what I saw already gave me enough peace to seal sign number 4.
And...It was Kingdom Invasion....all of us were about Jesus, loving Him and being all out sold out for Him....Who would have imagined....on the last day of conference...Heidi Baker in her final session make a call for all singles...initially it was a call for those who wants to have babies....and she switched to, people who wants to have babies but are still single.....she told the singles to stand up to be prayed for. So a bunch of us did. She prophesied, out of the conference couples by example will come out of it, and she began breaking all fears. When she spoke of the fear of failed past relationship...I cried....I couldn't comprehend why, as my last relationship ended in 2010....turns out, I still have a lot of fear, afraid that I would not be able to survive another godly relationship. So I was so cautious.
And then God instantly spoke...that the reason why I hav been needing so many confirmations and held on to it so tightly, is purely because I am afraid he might be the wrong one again. I was looking for a "No" so much....to see him being proved wrong so much rather than trying to see him from the eyes of Jesus. Afraid to be vulnerable, to take risk, or even to open up my heart to allow myself to fall in love again. So God said....I have shown you he is not a distraction.....and I asked...."did you?"......God said: Did you feel distracted to a point you cannot worship when his face appear in your head? Were you not worshipping still and crying and sobbing like a baby??.....I nodded......And He continued...."Then you decide whether you will proceed. This life is yours...I have given you the freedom of choice...I will not rob that from you. Just look and see if he has fulfill the fundamentals, I will be in the midst, and I will help both of you grow....question is, would you take a risk to trust again?"
So I did....I took a risk. I decided to scrape sign number 5....and still go on (that is a lot of risk already ok....to let go of my security). So I stepped in by faith. Little did I know he was also fasting in his 40 days fast and prayer prayjng for the right time to pursue this relationship because he was also scared...he felt there's a call upon his life which requires him to sacrifice much and he did not know if I would be ok with that (he didn't know I asked for sign number 2...hahahaha)...and coming from a prestigious family, my family has high expectations on the children's spouses. He didn't have much to offer at this point as he is still studying.
Heidi Baker that night as she spoke into breaking the fears in my life, also broke the fear of finances n future. He took that as a confirmation from God.... a yes to start pursuing. I didn't know this, but he told me I walked back to my seat that night, and for the first time in the entire conference, I tapped him and spoke to him.... and he said he saw something different. Like a sparkle in my eye ...and he took that as a 2nd confirmation to pursue the relationship....So as he was pursuing me...even though I told God I am scraping all signs....God is still good to me. He favors me like that. Pampered. Haha. God still show me the last sign.. In the same words...Kelvin actually said to me: that he will fight for me...for my purity n for the call god has placed in my life.
I am overwhelemd bcos even when I say no further signs needed, God still fulfil the last one anyway.
Well, that's all for courtship. Part 1. Moving on to Part 2, how he asked me to be his girlfriend :))
