I guess I am in a journey whereby God is moulding me, and also allowing me to see the many things in life that I need to take note of in order to run the long journey ahead. I am beginning to see why God allow me to have a relationship at this point...during my time of preparation for a calling He has prepared for me.....this relationship is also a preparation.
In the relationship, even though it has only been a month and a little more, many things have surfaced within. Mainly insecurities. Not to say that Kelvin hasn't been trying his best to be secure to me, but more so of me needing to battle the past that I have been through. I tell you...as much as you thought you have overcome so much....then you enter a new experience, to find out, there are still more things to overcome. Even if your partner may have fulfilled 90 percent of what a good partner should, you will still linger on the 10 percent. Well, as David Oh once said....God focuses on all that we can have, but the devil focuses on the ONE we cannot have. So true!
Life is indeed...full of overcoming...and there will never be a time you don't need breakthroughs anymore. Sometimes, I feel tired....but then again, it only shows me one thing....I need to stop depending on myself...and start depending on Him. Over and over this had been proclaimed....but there will be situations after situations in life that you notice you have to keep surrendering again and again...one by one. But rest assured...it only gets easier with time :) ...Because from past record, you know you were never shortchanged when you surrendered.
so....what conrtibuted to my insecurities? Past in my family, stories of the many counseling issues, fears that were planted by words of my parents, even in my past relationship....Like it or not, we are all total sum of our background, histories, and experiences. There were many hurts, betrayed, feelings that caused me to feel really doubtful that things can be promising without any effort. And what is effort on my part? Doubts. If I doubt enough, to be cautious enough....then things may be under control?
I knew I was wrong the moment this statement came up. Because I was convicted. And I am grateful He is showing me how these could have been detrimental. Because in the long run, if I am not secure enough, it could affect ministry. When there are more reasons for suspicions....without security, and knowing my identity....it may shaken the entire relationship and ministry...I am glad the preparations started while we are in the equipping season...not when we are there and we have to deal with the real thing. If not settled now, the enemy is going to use that one thing against us and to cripple us. I am so determined to set him on fire now. hahahaha! Like literally, this is WAR! RAR!
Hence this time round, I tried....not suppressing, but learning to trust. Learning to let go....and not question, even though my entire being is itching and wondering. HAHA! Kelvin has always asked me to question because he wants to assure me....Well, I am not letting suspicions have the last say. Refusing to feed it....and be effortful in ensuring that insecurity do not take over. When insecurity creeps in, it leaks. And I know....what happens then? The mind will wander and begin to pick on certain parts of life wondering and wondering...why this happened?...what's the reason?.....could the reason be that simple? Is there more?...
What if this, what if that....what ifs after what ifs that never happened. But it crippled my ability to step in a little deeper.
I guess you can say that....it is a trait that runs in my family. They are generally very suspicious people....Or very chinese mindset who thinks the world is out there to suck out all the good from you....to benefit from you and be parasites.... And they often go to the extremes of worst case scenario. Come to think of it, it is be quite sad....because you don't live by faith, you don't hold on to the possibilities of hope. Anything good is good. Anything bad...is..."I knew it"....I have always commented on how "without hope" family members can sometimes be that they are afraid of people taking advantage of them all the time, lacking of trust....but then I find myself falling into the same trap...only thing different is the scenarios
So I have been thinking lately....and I noticed, as I was reminiscing the conversations I have with some girls....seemed like the "suspicion" period is inevitable in today's society. It is in the moment where the girl is still deciding whether should I plunge in completely and just trust....or is there any "red alert" signs that I need to ensure I am not too blind to see it at this point....some girls do it their whole lives...afraid may be cheated if let off guard....that is quite sad isn't it? I don't want that in all honesty.
I am a child of God. My partner is a child of God. We are better than that, we are not affected by the world's standard. That is what we aim to be. But issues are real, experiences are real....that is why...breakthrough is inevitable. So what do I do when insecurity creeps in to pinpoint the little little things that weren't align with your own belief system? I mean come on...no matter how similar two people can be, they grew up in different backgrounds, it is difficult to completely just understand someone....
So what happens then? Learn to dance with Jesus :) And remember He holds the key to your happiness...not anything else. Not the "perfection" of what expect to have. In fact....I have always been a perfectionist. In my pastoral care, in my studies, work...everything....time to cut myself some slack...and do others a favor by cutting theirs too :))
So my friends, imperfection even as leaders, as you embark on the journey of discovery of who you truly are....is not the end. Beyond discovery, is total surrender, trust again and again.
Insecurity is experienced by many women...mainly because of disappointments with men and father figures of the current time.....but it is really not the end. Find a godly man...A godly relationship helps you realize these things, breakthrough, and become more secure in God...which in turn will help you grow secure with each other. God first. Then each other :)
I won't say I have totally overcome this....but I am getting there. Because I refuse to be in the enemy's ploy. There. Declaring means have to work on it no matter what. Hehe.
What about you? Would you allow your women's insecurity to cripple you? I know it would be a greater struggle if you have felt betrayed, wounded, taken advantage, abused emotionally or sexually by men. But remember, Life is about making choices. I am making mine :)
