I have a lot of suggestions from friends around me regarding this. many told me that I should make "Finding a Partner" a resolution in 2013 because I am not young anymore. Haha! I have to say...I kinda agree I am not young anymore. Just past the mid-age mark for 20s.
Well, having a partner to love and a family to build has never been out of my life plan. Yes, I do desire these things....but what scares me most...is not the fact that I will not have a husband, or a family...but the fact that I will have to lose the most important thing in life to me in sacrifice to that.
"Don't be so picky"...."Give it a shot"
Those are the common words these days. I know I shouldn't be...after all "market value" is not that high after a certain age. LOL. But I cannot and do not even want to invest feelings toward someone unless I am sure that he can have the same vision with me (of course not omitting character, chemistry and friendship, ok? I am still human. LOL). It doesn't mean we have to want to do the same thing....but we must have the same ONE GOAL...that is to be SOLD OUT to the call of God.
That he would not stop me from risking it all for God, and he would not "play safe" just being a good, faithful Christian. That's it. In other words, I am hoping to find a man who will encourage me and together with me...fearless of risking it all for the sake of the call. To RUN together. He is not a scaredy cat. I want to be sure he is courageous enough to do what God wants him to do.
Passionate....not because he wants to win my heart or get any approvals. Passionate...because he really is a lover of God. That even if he doesn't have me in his life....he will still run toward the visions and dreams God has given him. That he will not settle for a simple life. But would be willing to suffer for the sake of the call. That even if I were to be at the brink of death doing all these....he wouldn't be shouting and cursing God, he wouldn't be blaming me for being selfish...but he would say...its ok...if anything happens, I will see you in heaven,dear...and the mission will go on.....
See, I am already not exactly courageous by nature. Finding a not-so-bold partner will not help me grow into fulfilling my destiny, even though he may not stop me from achieving it.
many do not understand what does it mean when I say, I want to find someone of the same vision.....It doesn't mean doing the same thing.....but having the same big dream and will not let those dreams remain dreams. But will be bold to stand up and do something about it. And so, I can be the woman behind who support his exciting dreams too(what an honor!)! I want to live a life...whereby all the days of my life is lived like that. Always exciting, always risking it all....people may see it as a stupid decision. But we both will know, its the best life ever lived. A life worth living for...a life lived for God and for others.
Since young, mom knew that I was rather determined in the things I wanted to do. And she knew I find purpose and meaning in making a difference in other's lives. Both my parents often tell me this (even to this day)......"Hazel, don't help people too much. In the end what you get back in return? You may even get bitten from the back. At the end of the day....your help to others turn into a harm toward yourself. Be smart! Don't be too helpful! This world is too cruel!"
my parents love me a lot....And I am truly grateful for that. And of course they felt that I am really naive in the sense that I believe people easily. mandarin saying is : "dan chun"
Well, I do not deny that I believe others easily. But what harm does it bring if I did something out of good intention, even though the person who receives it has a bad intention? I can still answer to God.Of course, it doesn't mean I have to be stupidly letting conmen con....Practice wisdom....but above all, I believe being helpful is better than being suspicious all the time. Life has more meaning to building lives, than to keep it all to ourselves because we are too afraid the world may take advantage of us.
Eversince the day I decided I want to contribute to the broken lives in dark alleys, I already expected that it would be a journey whereby I will be constantly taken for granted for...I have not actually experience it yet...but I kinda expected it and was in fact warned about it. What do you expect from broken lives who rarely experience genuine love? You expect them to respond without suspicions? Respond with gratefulness and love? It isn't easy for them too. Changes require time....
But having said all these, my parents knew these were good acts. And I believe part of them are kinda happy I am doing these too..but worried. I emphasized to them....this give meaning to my life and I want to continue doing it. my dad told me this one day : "You know....as much as you are doing what you like. Remember to think of your family. Don't be too selfish. If anything should happen to you, what would become of us? What would we feel?"
When he spoke those words...I remember there was a pierce in my heart. I know I have to be careful and all the more be wise. Pray more for the guidance and leading of the Holy Spirit. But I remember thinking the whole night about this. Then I spoke to God....God, the best way to make sure I don't hurt my parents is I don't risk at all...Don't do anything. Just be where I am now. That's the safest.
"But is that the life you want? What about reaching your destiny?"
And then it dawned upon me. Every destiny, every vision...there needs to be risk and sacrifices made. Should anything bad happen to me (not because of foolishness) unavoidably, then I must trust that God will make the best out of it. It really sound selfish sometimes...But, one day, I hope I can make my parents understand....that whatever shortchanged or sacrificed that seems to result out of a good-will act, will never be in vain.
One way to make them understand, is to get them saved. One day I hope they understand that even if it means risking my life, for someone's life to be impacted....it is worth it. You may lose me, but I am in a better place, you needn't have to worry about me. But, this someone, there is a chance for his/her life to be changed for eternity. Who could put a value to that?
One day, if I ever die, or something happened to me in the midst of doing what I felt I was called to do...I wish for my loved ones to understand...that I am and I can be in a better place. And that this sacrifice...is never in vain. To lose a life so that someone else can gain theirs....is actually a worthwhile sacrifice :) If I ever die because of such reasons....I think it is an honor and privilege to me to have lived life so meaningfully.
Well....having said all these....There is still a fire burning within me right now.I hope I will never forget what I have written today. I am not perfect. Not the holy moly girl who never waiver and never sin...and not always on the "high" side of my passion. Sometimes I slack too. Nonetheless, I want to remember times when I made these stands in life. Blogs are good reminders. If there come a day I intend to compromise all of my dreams and visions for something else....I must remember the times that I wouldn't compromise it for anything :)
The question remains....What are you afraid of most?
To be lonely? To die? To wait and have someone who will fight life battles with you? To risk the call?
To have safe life, pleasing everyone else? Or to take a risk in life and have the chance to be Christ's ambassador on earth?
I guess the answer could possibly change from time to time...depending on what centralized your lives :)
As for me....what scares me most right now is a life without a vision. Worst, a life that forbids me to live out the vision.
You? If it were you, could you live with the "what ifs" of not living up to your vision?
