I am in a season that God is dealing with many fears in my life. There are many areas, and many of them link to one another.
I have never realised I have this much fears, especially in relationship with others, until Shirley told me about my reactions toward certain people who tried invading my personal space (or so I thought). Haha! I thought it was just the natural me being more firm about not getting manipulated or something. But eventually I came to realize, times like these I have been trying to defend and protect my fragile little heart.
Why so? Probably due to experiences in the past that develop a certain kind of phobia....or rather, pain (especially toward those who have inflicted them) that have not been fully recovered, but swept under the carpet because life had to go on. Too many responsibilities to get stuck at one place and slowly allow healing? I don't know what's the reason but definitely God is dealing with all these this season. And I am just so glad.
I really appreciate Shirley very much. She is like the mirror in my life. She showed me what I cannot see...and in many seasons, she has seen me through my worst moments...trying to help me breakthrough time after time.There were times I was angry at her for being so blunt. Sometimes reading through my journals of letter to God, I can't help laughing because I truly sound silly. But I'm glad I went through all that and she did not give up on me.
So right now, what's most important for me is to deal with my fears. To not be too self-conscious, not too fearful about getting hurts, or rejection, or acceptance and stuff. I need to learn to be bold again to take risks, allow hurts, accept that we are all not that perfect and still embrace one another in love anyway. And that the GRACE of God is always that important. Boldness in taking risks will result in more genuine friendships. Otherwise, I would be putting up a wall with anybody who wants to explore true friendships with me.
Its good to be able to discover all these. Proves that till this day God is still working on me, and I am glad. I am glad I have someone who is able to be like a mirror to me, who looks my life from the outside, tells me what is going on, and help me to work on hidden issues of life (Which sometimes I don't even know exist), simply because she cares and loves me enough to do so :')
God's favor must be indeed upon me.
All in all, I am currently working on facing many fears of life. And being more true, more genuine, more real in whatever relationships I am in. It may be quite uncomfortable for me sometimes (cos at times it require you to be confrontational), but I love what is this turning me into. Bolder. Better. Fearless. Christ-like :)
