Slept so late last night...thought I would probably zoned out while having breakfast with Esther.
Esther is a girl whom Phoebe introduced to me. One of her best friends. When I picked her from her office...that one ride to Jesus Culture concert...we felt immediately clicked in the spirit. This is what I described as divine connection.
So we scheduled for a breakfast after my semester (by now I should be done with assignments but I haven't...so was in quite a lot of worries).
But really, divine connection is always beautiful. I never regretted this breakfast. In fact, God spoke to me during breakfast. It was so awesome...we ended our breakfast time with a very high note...
sharing a lot of things, about lives, how we go through relationships, how God brought the man of God into her life etc....
Her life story was rather similar to mine....
So yesterday I was going through the whole ordeal of struggles of ups and downs....in the hype of miracles, at the same time seems like a lot of ugly things were about to be let out from the can of worms...
Then Esther shared....she was in the exact same season.
And she said this....that God is dealing with her character and her fundamentals. Even put a man of God (her current boyfriend) to help her build this fundamentals. Because of one reason only....
He wants us to be unshaken. By the wind and the waves beneath our feet.
We are heirs, but an underage heir will still be ruled under the reign of the world. But an heir who is of age will know his position. An heir with FAITH will take on everything that is in future, the promise, and draw it to ourselves.
Galatians 4: 2-7
We are to build our fundamentals strong. And it hit me when she said that. A lot of time we are engross with the big call and so forth...and we want to go there....but then God is pushing me to the corner now...saying...Hazel..deal with these fundamentals...deal with these fears....read your bible, pray, seek me, grow grow grow.....your fundamentals and characters are what will sustain you in the long run...in the call I have for you...
1 Peter 1:3-7
So what is God doing in my life now? In the midst of all these victories and freedoms, and in the midst of these struggles....I began to realize, I need so much more of God...I need that ROOT...I need to face and see all my weaknesses and began to build my fundamentals.
Thank you, Esther. Your sharing is such a blessing to me.
Thank You, Daddy...for divine connections. I am building on it. It is gonna be tough....but I want to build my faith to a point that it is unshakable.
All for You, Daddy....All or nothing....ALL for You....
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Struggle in the midst of Freedom
Things have been very different in my life lately. I have had a lot of encounters with God, a lot of divine moments, miracles so on and so forth....Life was pretty amazing.
But it was also these times, that I find myself having my identity being questioned from within again and again. Have been sharing this with Charis Lian and Phoebe...
Well...both of them said the same thing. "Somebody" is obviously not happy with my progress and is trying to bring in much doubts and etc.
I understand the concept really. But yea, this is not a "new" scenario. They are "old friends" or rather...the "old enemies" who has been silent for quite awhile now. Now coming back...the one that question my self-esteem and self worth....the battle that could possibly be my personal lifelong battle.....I recognized them attempting to take over my mind and ears again.
This season, I find many things causing me to rethink and rethink...of the decision I have made. So I have decided to be different in the pursuit of the heart of my Father. That invite some different opinions which is quite common, or so it seems to me? Nobody said it in my face really.
Nonetheless, my identity-questioning cycle begun. And I have the ups and downs of feeling good and bad etc.....And made decisions, said things that I regret....trying to justify my feelings that it is ok...it is all an "attack"....Justification after justification of trying to make myself feel better. I actually consciously watch how I was affected by many little circumstances, comments, decisions...
So I came to an end of myself today. I prayed....and I said....God....take away this feeling please! I don't want to question, I don't want to doubt, I don't want to have this struggle. I know what I want....and I don't want to exchange that for anything, but why do I still have such struggles?
I asked God....why Daddy....
I have been so in love with You. And now, why all these identity questioning voices that is making me frustrated
and I have been trying so hard to make myself feel better and I said stuff and even justify with ways that I am not even proud of.
What happened? I just want to be madly deeply in love with You.
Silence....
Then a still small voice came: perfect love cast out all fears....
Perfect LOVE cast out all fears
In the midst of me taking risk, as I make decisions to be undignified before God, as small subtle reactions brought back the common fear that I have been battling my lifetime...
Fear of opinion of men, which I have always allowed to define my identity for the past 20 over years.
As I became clearer this season how these voices are not from God, I recognize the target of the enemy was my identity.....I wrestled with this feelings...and tried so many ways to make myself feel better...ways that possibly cause detrimental effects....because I was trying so hard
What was missing....I did not involve God in my battle.
As I just prayed...and allowed the silence to grow louder....I can almost feel His embrace, and Him saying...."child, my yolk is easy and my burden is light....you don't even need to wrestle. You just need to rest in me. Let me take over. Perfect love comes...fear will leave"
I want to live abandoned, Daddy. I really want it. I really want it. I know it is gonna cause a lot of turmoil of struggles as I draw closer with You.....But I really want to live abandoned. And I don't want to exchange this for anything at all.....
I cried so so much as I listened to this worship song.
Freedom in my Spirit. Freedom in His love......All or nothing....Deep deep deep....
Today I learned that victory and freedom doesn't come without a price. Almost always victory and freedom couple with a struggle from within. And that is when we are tested in our dependency. If you even take credit or glory for anything, you will take responsibility to fight the struggle
But when you don't take any glory for yourself...you will understand nothing belongs to you and the fight belongs to God. Just live abandoned and surrender...to just be filled and let Him take that fear away. No formula. No struggle.
Test my faith, my trust, my dependency.....Help me in my unbelief. Refine me with fire....Lord, let me live abandoned for You. All or nothing.
More Lord...More.....only You....
But it was also these times, that I find myself having my identity being questioned from within again and again. Have been sharing this with Charis Lian and Phoebe...
Well...both of them said the same thing. "Somebody" is obviously not happy with my progress and is trying to bring in much doubts and etc.
I understand the concept really. But yea, this is not a "new" scenario. They are "old friends" or rather...the "old enemies" who has been silent for quite awhile now. Now coming back...the one that question my self-esteem and self worth....the battle that could possibly be my personal lifelong battle.....I recognized them attempting to take over my mind and ears again.
This season, I find many things causing me to rethink and rethink...of the decision I have made. So I have decided to be different in the pursuit of the heart of my Father. That invite some different opinions which is quite common, or so it seems to me? Nobody said it in my face really.
Nonetheless, my identity-questioning cycle begun. And I have the ups and downs of feeling good and bad etc.....And made decisions, said things that I regret....trying to justify my feelings that it is ok...it is all an "attack"....Justification after justification of trying to make myself feel better. I actually consciously watch how I was affected by many little circumstances, comments, decisions...
So I came to an end of myself today. I prayed....and I said....God....take away this feeling please! I don't want to question, I don't want to doubt, I don't want to have this struggle. I know what I want....and I don't want to exchange that for anything, but why do I still have such struggles?
I asked God....why Daddy....
I have been so in love with You. And now, why all these identity questioning voices that is making me frustrated
and I have been trying so hard to make myself feel better and I said stuff and even justify with ways that I am not even proud of.
What happened? I just want to be madly deeply in love with You.
Silence....
Then a still small voice came: perfect love cast out all fears....
Perfect LOVE cast out all fears
In the midst of me taking risk, as I make decisions to be undignified before God, as small subtle reactions brought back the common fear that I have been battling my lifetime...
Fear of opinion of men, which I have always allowed to define my identity for the past 20 over years.
As I became clearer this season how these voices are not from God, I recognize the target of the enemy was my identity.....I wrestled with this feelings...and tried so many ways to make myself feel better...ways that possibly cause detrimental effects....because I was trying so hard
What was missing....I did not involve God in my battle.
As I just prayed...and allowed the silence to grow louder....I can almost feel His embrace, and Him saying...."child, my yolk is easy and my burden is light....you don't even need to wrestle. You just need to rest in me. Let me take over. Perfect love comes...fear will leave"
I want to live abandoned, Daddy. I really want it. I really want it. I know it is gonna cause a lot of turmoil of struggles as I draw closer with You.....But I really want to live abandoned. And I don't want to exchange this for anything at all.....
I cried so so much as I listened to this worship song.
Freedom in my Spirit. Freedom in His love......All or nothing....Deep deep deep....
Today I learned that victory and freedom doesn't come without a price. Almost always victory and freedom couple with a struggle from within. And that is when we are tested in our dependency. If you even take credit or glory for anything, you will take responsibility to fight the struggle
But when you don't take any glory for yourself...you will understand nothing belongs to you and the fight belongs to God. Just live abandoned and surrender...to just be filled and let Him take that fear away. No formula. No struggle.
Test my faith, my trust, my dependency.....Help me in my unbelief. Refine me with fire....Lord, let me live abandoned for You. All or nothing.
More Lord...More.....only You....
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
What's your response?
Many are called but few are chosen.
We are all called. But how do we become the chosen? It lies in our response to the call of God.
Today, I want to mark this in my calendar as a significant date.
Today, I want to remember the promises I've made
Today, I want to remember the promises I've made
Today, I want to remember the times when I felt so sold out.
Today, I want to remember the times I want to give it all to You in exchange of all of You
Today, I want to just have YOU. and that's all I want.. YOU....alone.
Today, I want to remember the times I want to give it all to You in exchange of all of You
Today, I want to just have YOU. and that's all I want.. YOU....alone.
Today, I dedicate this post to You, Daddy.
My answer is YES
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!
YYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YES!!!
YES!!!
YES!!!
Come consume me.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Kingdom Invasion 2014 - A major turning point
It has been a miraculous month discovering God's love again and again.
Many knew I went to Kingdom Invasion by miracle. And before that I was rushing my assignments like mad....trying to finish up major assignment so that I can enjoy the conference. But the fact is, I cannot. There is just too much to be done. And I was thinking maybe I need to complete the assignments every night in Kingdom Invasion.
So I skipped class the day I was suppose to fly, just to complete assignment.
Miracle happened, again....
My major assignment got delayed to one week later. And another major assignment that is to be due the same week, delay a week as well. And graded exercise in class was also delayed to two weeks later.
It was really awesome. Miracle happened even before I was there....And I heard God telling me: Just enjoy the conference. Don't need to rush your assignments. I want you to encounter me.
And even before the conference started, I had the privilege to join DASH to a seminar by Jim Yost, someone who changed Papua by just obeying God, and impacting one life at a time. Its about discipling others to disciple and no need recognition of the founder. As organic as can be. And it impacted me because I begin to realize how God can move in daily routines.....and how God has been good to him healing him from death...again and again
So I was prepared.
So I went there with so much expectations knowing that God must have something really important to show me to make all these miracles happened even before I arrived.
So I went there....first session itself, I felt so much of the presence of God. I learned to be undignified in the presence of God....kneeling, sobbing, crying....
One thing amazing about these speakers, they do not have powerful words that tickle your ears....but EVERY ONE OF THEM carried such a strong presence of God. It amazes me how each of them are doing so many great works in the Kingdom...but yet when they come before God, they are all as a child....really worshipping Him, soak in His love...and because of that, they brought us into the presence of God again and again and again.
Deliverance and healing happened as worship session, preaching was going on. It was so awesome. And I have never sobbed so much in my life, feeling the love of God outpouring over me for such a long time. So much like a damp broke open...and I cannot contain.....
And these speakers are so so humble. Every one of them sat in every session even though it is not theirs. And when they go onstage they will edify one another. How they want to be like one another. Such appreciation for the divine connection. And the hunger of not wanting to miss out what God is doing. So they sat in sensing God's move in every other session....and I even saw Heidi Baker sat on the floor worshipping God with the crowd....just being so undignified. Such humility.....How they honor their divine connections....I want to be like that. Fact is we are NOBODY deserving of better honor but just vessels of God. We ought to live a life that honor every single person around us so we would not miss out on the miracles that God may use them to manifest in our lives. Bill Johnson said that. Amen!
Bill Johnson, the Shakespeare of our time spoke many one liners (honestly I cannot catch up with writing notes), as he expound so perfectly articulated ideas of what God has been impressing in some of our hearts, but yet we cannot verbalize it. How change of nations come from the grassroot, how we impact culture by impact that one person who is at the top down....but revolution almost always come from the grassroot. It makes revival and revolution possible for everyone.
And how we can grab what God has in store and promise in the future for us....to present....if we are aware of the promise, we can make that promise come to pass NOW. If God doesn't want us to ask for it, He would have blinded our eyes to it. This just opened up an entire dimension of impossibilities to me....And I began to cry out to God for our nation.
I learned about how in the Kingdom every division and walls must come down. And to bring the Kingdom of God here, to bring down heaven to earth, all we need to do is fall deeper and deeper and deeper in love with God. The more you know the Father, the more you want to do what's the Father's will....what's in His heart.
You can't help but to be consumedddddd......and when you are consumed.....you are not afraid to sacrifice and pay the price for your call. I was praying and praying and crying....because God just came. and God spoke. No fancy altar calls....God just came...and God spoke to everyone individually.
Final day of the conference marked a very important moment of my life. James Goll was preaching. He is also another man...whom go crazy before God. Halfway preaching he can go singing led by the Holy Spirit, even when his stories are half hanging. Haha. His wife said he has a ministry of insanity because people feel sane standing beside him :P....but honestly each time he sings, the presence of God just dropped in. Like BOOM!!
And halfway preaching as usual....without any link or expectation, he suddenly said this:
There are people here who are called to combat sex trafficking in your nation. If you feel that is the call of God for you...stand up now.
So I stood up. And he began praying for greater authority over darkness...and for the first time ever since I was saved.....I sob and wept and shook like crazy!! I cannot control my hands or my legs....I was overpowered and overwhelmed....
And then he continued......
There is a kingpin in the nation of Malaysia....he is coming to Christ.....stay alert...
As I heard that I wept even more and shook even more. Out of 35 nations....Malaysia was mentioned. And I told God....God...this is too huge...too big....too impossible. I cannot help but to only walk when You tell me to. I cannot but to obey. I need YOU!!!
So I cried...and I spent more time with God. That was when God spoke so much to me. He reminded me of how I should love brothers and sisters in Christ. To bring His Kingdom, I must first deal with my heart to love those who are different in values and not judge. In His Kingdom there is no division (this was what He impressed in my heart and got confirmed over and over again since the first day of conference).
Then God reminded me to go deeper with Him. Because if I don't go deeper, I will never step out to bring miracles down. So I need to fall in love with Him, be consumed.
I told God, if it takes being consumed to be changed and be willing to pay the price....please let me come into a position where I would be consumed every single day....I don't want to miss out or lose out Your move...And I don't want to lose the love while I minister.
Heidi Baker is another amazing woman....she is so in love with God. When God speaks...she didn't even contend or doubt. She just said OK.
And I told God....I want that kind of relationship and trust with You. Final session with Heidi Baker I received the joy of the spirit and cannot stop laughing. All because Miss Phoebe who had it first touched me twice! Hahaha. But its so awesome!!! Like something stirring in the tummy hahahahaa
I just watched compelled by love - Heidi Baker's story two days ago. I wept and wept. Sob and sob....The price to pay is huge...I thought to myself. And I have many things that held me back. Greatest struggle was my family. They are not christian and will never understand why I need to give so much love knowing that the world may take it for granted and trampled it on the ground?
They love me I know...and I know in honoring my parents, I am not suppose to make them worried. But then again, this is my call. And I want to be where my Father wants me to be. So I cried and cried....because I really want that.....that childlike love relationship with God like Heidi Baker. To an extent I will pay any price. But yet, what about my family?
So two days ago, Emily, the prophetess texted me. And she said she had a drawing for me. Summary of the drawing, is about God reminding me He will take care of my family as I become a sold out lover for him. And the name of the drawing is: Sold Out Lover....
What are the odds????? I was just praying about falling in love and being sold out the day before. And I was worried about my family who has not known God or understand my values....and that piece of art came as a reminder to me....
Thank You, Jesus. Yes....I am saying Yes....
Yes yes yes yes yes....to whatever You want me to do.
YESSS!!!!
And so, I noticed many of these amazing people faced death threats and even death itself (sicknesses) time after time again. Yet there are still sold out. Will I be bold enough to be where they are at? I don't know honestly....but I want to be able to come to the point that I can....be at the face of death, yet so sure that my God will take care of everything. That much trust and faith..I need to go deeper....
Oh.....and recently, most of us who have been in Kingdom Invasion stepped out in church...to be undignified worshippers of God, and to also learn to pray for healing because we believe God wants to love people. This is not about proving anything for God, but just about loving people. Atmosphere change. And so many people got healed. I felt so overcome and overwhelmed by Daddy..
Daddy, You are awesome, You know that?
And many more answers I received...things I have been fasting and praying for (in my 40 days Fast and Prayer)......SO MANY things answered. Will reveal in due time.
It has been an awesome spiritual week. Even as I was doing assignment I kept praying. I hope my assignments will unveil His glory. I don't know how, but I believe He can do things I cannot do. So yay!!
Also Jim Yost and these KI preachers made me realize, it is possible to serve God, sold out for Him...yet your family as they pay the price...will also be sold out for Jesus as well. I used to be worried that I need to let go of many things in the call when I have kids...and I don't know what's the balance of it. Watching these examples give me a lot of comfort and peace. I guess, God will guide...and He will never shortchange us when we give our best to love Him...I am really comforted by that ^^
Kingdom Invasion marked another huge turning point for me as a Christian. I want to rewind go back and again and again encountered God. But then again, I can do it here. I want to go kiddish and cray cray with my Daddy!!
That's all! COMPELLED and CONSUMED. Forever and ever and ever. Amen.
Let Your Kingdom come...Your will be done...ON EARTH as it is in heaven....
Many knew I went to Kingdom Invasion by miracle. And before that I was rushing my assignments like mad....trying to finish up major assignment so that I can enjoy the conference. But the fact is, I cannot. There is just too much to be done. And I was thinking maybe I need to complete the assignments every night in Kingdom Invasion.
So I skipped class the day I was suppose to fly, just to complete assignment.
Miracle happened, again....
My major assignment got delayed to one week later. And another major assignment that is to be due the same week, delay a week as well. And graded exercise in class was also delayed to two weeks later.
It was really awesome. Miracle happened even before I was there....And I heard God telling me: Just enjoy the conference. Don't need to rush your assignments. I want you to encounter me.
And even before the conference started, I had the privilege to join DASH to a seminar by Jim Yost, someone who changed Papua by just obeying God, and impacting one life at a time. Its about discipling others to disciple and no need recognition of the founder. As organic as can be. And it impacted me because I begin to realize how God can move in daily routines.....and how God has been good to him healing him from death...again and again
So I was prepared.
So I went there with so much expectations knowing that God must have something really important to show me to make all these miracles happened even before I arrived.
So I went there....first session itself, I felt so much of the presence of God. I learned to be undignified in the presence of God....kneeling, sobbing, crying....
One thing amazing about these speakers, they do not have powerful words that tickle your ears....but EVERY ONE OF THEM carried such a strong presence of God. It amazes me how each of them are doing so many great works in the Kingdom...but yet when they come before God, they are all as a child....really worshipping Him, soak in His love...and because of that, they brought us into the presence of God again and again and again.
Deliverance and healing happened as worship session, preaching was going on. It was so awesome. And I have never sobbed so much in my life, feeling the love of God outpouring over me for such a long time. So much like a damp broke open...and I cannot contain.....
And these speakers are so so humble. Every one of them sat in every session even though it is not theirs. And when they go onstage they will edify one another. How they want to be like one another. Such appreciation for the divine connection. And the hunger of not wanting to miss out what God is doing. So they sat in sensing God's move in every other session....and I even saw Heidi Baker sat on the floor worshipping God with the crowd....just being so undignified. Such humility.....How they honor their divine connections....I want to be like that. Fact is we are NOBODY deserving of better honor but just vessels of God. We ought to live a life that honor every single person around us so we would not miss out on the miracles that God may use them to manifest in our lives. Bill Johnson said that. Amen!
Bill Johnson, the Shakespeare of our time spoke many one liners (honestly I cannot catch up with writing notes), as he expound so perfectly articulated ideas of what God has been impressing in some of our hearts, but yet we cannot verbalize it. How change of nations come from the grassroot, how we impact culture by impact that one person who is at the top down....but revolution almost always come from the grassroot. It makes revival and revolution possible for everyone.
And how we can grab what God has in store and promise in the future for us....to present....if we are aware of the promise, we can make that promise come to pass NOW. If God doesn't want us to ask for it, He would have blinded our eyes to it. This just opened up an entire dimension of impossibilities to me....And I began to cry out to God for our nation.
I learned about how in the Kingdom every division and walls must come down. And to bring the Kingdom of God here, to bring down heaven to earth, all we need to do is fall deeper and deeper and deeper in love with God. The more you know the Father, the more you want to do what's the Father's will....what's in His heart.
You can't help but to be consumedddddd......and when you are consumed.....you are not afraid to sacrifice and pay the price for your call. I was praying and praying and crying....because God just came. and God spoke. No fancy altar calls....God just came...and God spoke to everyone individually.
Final day of the conference marked a very important moment of my life. James Goll was preaching. He is also another man...whom go crazy before God. Halfway preaching he can go singing led by the Holy Spirit, even when his stories are half hanging. Haha. His wife said he has a ministry of insanity because people feel sane standing beside him :P....but honestly each time he sings, the presence of God just dropped in. Like BOOM!!
And halfway preaching as usual....without any link or expectation, he suddenly said this:
There are people here who are called to combat sex trafficking in your nation. If you feel that is the call of God for you...stand up now.
So I stood up. And he began praying for greater authority over darkness...and for the first time ever since I was saved.....I sob and wept and shook like crazy!! I cannot control my hands or my legs....I was overpowered and overwhelmed....
And then he continued......
There is a kingpin in the nation of Malaysia....he is coming to Christ.....stay alert...
As I heard that I wept even more and shook even more. Out of 35 nations....Malaysia was mentioned. And I told God....God...this is too huge...too big....too impossible. I cannot help but to only walk when You tell me to. I cannot but to obey. I need YOU!!!
So I cried...and I spent more time with God. That was when God spoke so much to me. He reminded me of how I should love brothers and sisters in Christ. To bring His Kingdom, I must first deal with my heart to love those who are different in values and not judge. In His Kingdom there is no division (this was what He impressed in my heart and got confirmed over and over again since the first day of conference).
Then God reminded me to go deeper with Him. Because if I don't go deeper, I will never step out to bring miracles down. So I need to fall in love with Him, be consumed.
I told God, if it takes being consumed to be changed and be willing to pay the price....please let me come into a position where I would be consumed every single day....I don't want to miss out or lose out Your move...And I don't want to lose the love while I minister.
Heidi Baker is another amazing woman....she is so in love with God. When God speaks...she didn't even contend or doubt. She just said OK.
And I told God....I want that kind of relationship and trust with You. Final session with Heidi Baker I received the joy of the spirit and cannot stop laughing. All because Miss Phoebe who had it first touched me twice! Hahaha. But its so awesome!!! Like something stirring in the tummy hahahahaa
I just watched compelled by love - Heidi Baker's story two days ago. I wept and wept. Sob and sob....The price to pay is huge...I thought to myself. And I have many things that held me back. Greatest struggle was my family. They are not christian and will never understand why I need to give so much love knowing that the world may take it for granted and trampled it on the ground?
They love me I know...and I know in honoring my parents, I am not suppose to make them worried. But then again, this is my call. And I want to be where my Father wants me to be. So I cried and cried....because I really want that.....that childlike love relationship with God like Heidi Baker. To an extent I will pay any price. But yet, what about my family?
So two days ago, Emily, the prophetess texted me. And she said she had a drawing for me. Summary of the drawing, is about God reminding me He will take care of my family as I become a sold out lover for him. And the name of the drawing is: Sold Out Lover....
What are the odds????? I was just praying about falling in love and being sold out the day before. And I was worried about my family who has not known God or understand my values....and that piece of art came as a reminder to me....
Thank You, Jesus. Yes....I am saying Yes....
Yes yes yes yes yes....to whatever You want me to do.
YESSS!!!!
And so, I noticed many of these amazing people faced death threats and even death itself (sicknesses) time after time again. Yet there are still sold out. Will I be bold enough to be where they are at? I don't know honestly....but I want to be able to come to the point that I can....be at the face of death, yet so sure that my God will take care of everything. That much trust and faith..I need to go deeper....
Oh.....and recently, most of us who have been in Kingdom Invasion stepped out in church...to be undignified worshippers of God, and to also learn to pray for healing because we believe God wants to love people. This is not about proving anything for God, but just about loving people. Atmosphere change. And so many people got healed. I felt so overcome and overwhelmed by Daddy..
Daddy, You are awesome, You know that?
And many more answers I received...things I have been fasting and praying for (in my 40 days Fast and Prayer)......SO MANY things answered. Will reveal in due time.
It has been an awesome spiritual week. Even as I was doing assignment I kept praying. I hope my assignments will unveil His glory. I don't know how, but I believe He can do things I cannot do. So yay!!
Also Jim Yost and these KI preachers made me realize, it is possible to serve God, sold out for Him...yet your family as they pay the price...will also be sold out for Jesus as well. I used to be worried that I need to let go of many things in the call when I have kids...and I don't know what's the balance of it. Watching these examples give me a lot of comfort and peace. I guess, God will guide...and He will never shortchange us when we give our best to love Him...I am really comforted by that ^^
Kingdom Invasion marked another huge turning point for me as a Christian. I want to rewind go back and again and again encountered God. But then again, I can do it here. I want to go kiddish and cray cray with my Daddy!!
That's all! COMPELLED and CONSUMED. Forever and ever and ever. Amen.
Let Your Kingdom come...Your will be done...ON EARTH as it is in heaven....
Friday, February 28, 2014
Random Rants of Psychology
Officially the most hectic week of my life. A lot of major assignments due this coming week.
But on the contrary, I am thankful that God showed me many things this week. Showed me that the coming days are gonna be exciting, shown me that there are things forming even in church...and that things are all within His hands, everything in control.....and that nobody needs to give up anything.
Good things come to those who waits.
I am also thankful that this week, my lecturer spoke about how as therapists, eventually we will not be satisfied with just individual therapies. Because we begin to realize that the bigger picture affect the individual. Hence the involvement in family therapy, eventually community, and eventually nations.
I am blown away that clinical psychology can actually go to the extent of nations. I mean I know that psychologists are needed for nation work, but never occur to me clinical psychologist. Because dealing with trafficked victims, relief work, forensics, even conflict management between nations...all comes under the umbrella of clinical psychology.
So suddenly the puzzle is pieced together. I answered to God's question...to what extent you want to love....and not realizing how vast this field can be. Attaining this knowledge is just the first step. From there forward, there are many ways I could go. But I am going to cling close to Jesus. Wherever He leads, wherever His will is....there is the best place to be.
Like this clinical psychology....honestly I am dreading and dragging my feet now...having difficulties finishing my assignments and finding researches. Yet at the same time, it feels complete even in the midst of all these worries....because I know I am in His will...
And precisely because of that....I should never give up.
Ok, enough of time dragging and sulking. Haha! Time to go back to work....
For His Kingdom.
Galatians 2:20....remember, Hazel.
But on the contrary, I am thankful that God showed me many things this week. Showed me that the coming days are gonna be exciting, shown me that there are things forming even in church...and that things are all within His hands, everything in control.....and that nobody needs to give up anything.
Good things come to those who waits.
I am also thankful that this week, my lecturer spoke about how as therapists, eventually we will not be satisfied with just individual therapies. Because we begin to realize that the bigger picture affect the individual. Hence the involvement in family therapy, eventually community, and eventually nations.
I am blown away that clinical psychology can actually go to the extent of nations. I mean I know that psychologists are needed for nation work, but never occur to me clinical psychologist. Because dealing with trafficked victims, relief work, forensics, even conflict management between nations...all comes under the umbrella of clinical psychology.
So suddenly the puzzle is pieced together. I answered to God's question...to what extent you want to love....and not realizing how vast this field can be. Attaining this knowledge is just the first step. From there forward, there are many ways I could go. But I am going to cling close to Jesus. Wherever He leads, wherever His will is....there is the best place to be.
Like this clinical psychology....honestly I am dreading and dragging my feet now...having difficulties finishing my assignments and finding researches. Yet at the same time, it feels complete even in the midst of all these worries....because I know I am in His will...
And precisely because of that....I should never give up.
Ok, enough of time dragging and sulking. Haha! Time to go back to work....
For His Kingdom.
Galatians 2:20....remember, Hazel.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Happy Valentine's Day, Hazel! ^^
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...*takes deep breath* ....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Hahaha....! What an undignified way to start a blog.....NONETHELESS!
Let me tell you what's with all ze screamingzz......oh boy oh boy oh boy, I have been skipping around (inside my little mind of course...can't possibly do that in public) since last night. Because, I really cannot contain these miracles that God has placed in my life....like.....oh Lord, You to love me so extravagantly....REALLY!! You surely know how to spoil a girl, aye? *grins*
So, why am I here going all bonkers writing this blog when my assignments (final presentation for one of the class to be exact) is due in like 2 days? Cos I really cannot contain. Haha! Write first, regret later.
No, I am not engaged. Neither am I attached. But....I am drenched with the love of my LOVER
So recently Shirley and David has been eyeing on this conference called....Kingdom Invasion. Boy, I was dying to go. But you know....students now....classes, assignments etc...what are the odds I can join right? But I am dying to go....so how?
Miracle #1
I went and check the dates....
Man...I checked 5 times, because I cannot believe my eyes. That week....JUST THAT WEEK.....no assignment due (except the weekly one), and no classes Wednesday onwards. Wah.....ok...
So, then I began declaring to everyone I am going to Singapore, but only for night session. Morning session need to be paid...so I just thought, its ok as long as I can go night session...its worth it. The trip is worth it. Mind you morning session is about RM500....and I am already paying for my flight and expenses....so....okla...be contented.
So on valentine's day I made a prayer like this:
.jpg)
And in my lovey dovey moment with God, I posted this facebook status whereby I evoked some concern among caring people....stating that I seem to be staying single forever. LOL....don't worry....I am just in love, ok? I want to have a family still. No question. Being a mama, psycho-ing my child, nagging em and smooching them with kisses have never ONCE escape my mind.
So in reciprocation of my lovey dovey-ness with my Daddy King and Lover of my soul, He gave me the best Valentine's gift ever!
So....yesterday, I had a God appointment. I was suppose to go for a facial appointment with Miss Shaboon. Ended up she couldn't make it on time, I cancelled it and had dinner plans with some other friends.
Miracle #2
So these amazing friends...as we were talking about Kingdom Invasion, one of them realized I was not going to the morning sessions because I couldn't afford. With all my heart I never thought sharing this would mean someone is gonna bless me. In all honesty (repent) I never imagined anyone around my age would afford such a big sum, let alone for the person himself and me! So..... yes, I shared...and guess what....conference fee.... PAID FOR IN FULL....
No, it is not installment. No....it is not borrowing. It is a GIFT. AAAAAAA......
So my friend said this:
Friend 1: Why don't you want to join the morning session?
Me: Aiya....not enough money leh. Quite pricey. Student already ma. It's ok la...night session is good enough.
Friend 1: Hmm....why not you just come. I will pay for you
Me: WHAT?!?! You mean pay FOR me? as in...
Friend 1: As in I pay for you la. You just come its a gift
Me: OMG!! Are you serious?????? REallyyy????? OMG I just prayed about this. Are you serious?? *drama berama*
Friend 1: Ya la.....I invest into you. In turn, you multiply 20 more cell groups....quite a good return right? Haha
Me: ........(omg omg omg omg)
Ok....the 20 cell groups is just a joke ok? That would be too high a KPI. hahaha. But my gosh.....Someone would invest into my life!!! And no, this is not a leader.....but a friend!! I finally understood what it means when the missing pillars of Christianity begin redeeming and loving themselves....people around them (like me) get blessed and loved....
oh...*Cries*
p/s: the person refused to be identified. So in order to protect ze identity, I have excluded the name from the screenshot.
I was about to burst in tears! But...ahem...poised you know? So suck it all in.....a girl's got to look elegant.....As if this wasn't enough..... here comes the next amazing news...
Miracle #3
Friend 2: Hazel...you know what. hearing what Friend 1 said....I too felt like I want to invest into your life...you know....20 cell groups...really worthwhile investment
Me: 20 cell groups....oh my....you both are not really expecting that right
Friend 2: Haha...nola we just really want to bless you. For that, your flight ticket...is ON ME :)
Me: .....(speechless)
p/s: Again...the humble people in my life....refused to be identified. So in order to protect ze identity, I also have excluded the name from the screenshot.
So, I began looking down and wiping tears from the corner of my eyes (oh no...not so elegant now, aye?....LOL)...
This is inssaneeeee!!!!! Me? Me!!!.....
After the many "Are you suresss" and "reallysss" these two miracles came to pass right today. The two amazing miracle workers not only decide to bless me, but pester me to give details and whatnot so they could make necessary arrangements and purchases. Everything paid. Conference fee. Flight ticket. Period. Now....I just need to save up for expenses and pack my bag....
Miracle #4
So I quickly text Shirley to see if I can still join the group registration. Because group registration means I can get to tap on cheaper conference fee. I know now that things are paid for I shouldn't be so kiasu...but hello.....I also want to "love" the "pockets" of my "blessers" bah.....hard-earned money leh!
God cannot be anymore good. Shirley hasn't register for the group yet!! Reason being is because she felt there will be more joining us. So she wanted to wait till this week before she finally register for the group.
Hohohoho......
Happy Valentine's Day to me! From my beloved Daddy, King and Bridegroom....I am SO IN LOVE LAH...!!
This year's Valentine's has indeed become so much more meaningful with Him. Enjoyed every single moment of the Valentine week much in so many different ways. Must be all Daddy ^^
Oh here goes the pampered little girl twirling and jumping for joy.
So here is to my dearest Daddy and best Lover of my entire being,
How can You be so undescribably beautiful and amazing like that? How can I deny Your love for me? SO EXTRAVAGANT....So pampered, favored and loved. Thank You for loving me, this tiny weenie whiny lil girl like that. Thank You for letting me know that, it doesn't need a lot of yearning, begging, crying, throwing tantrums...It's never always about what I did, what I need....but it's about You wanting me to have the best of everything. You don't just give....You SHOWER. So now I am all wet. Hahaha! I love You so so so so so so much.....And I want to sing and dance just for You all day long......teehee...OK? ....
Oh....I am loved :')
Thank You. *A Kiss to heaven*
Friday, January 24, 2014
Chosen.
So, my life as a student has officially started.
I am entering my fourth week now. How am I doing? Honestly, not exactly great. I am very physically challenged. Reason being, there were too many readings to do, too many assignments to complete. On the second week itself we need to submit about 2 assignments, and it didn't stop eversince. Every single week there were at least 2-3 assignments so far.
Brings me to the question. Why am I here typing this post? I don't know. I guess, I just want to remind myself of the days I am pursuing the dream God placed in my heart with some discontentment and grudge...haha...And how He has spoke to me to encourage me. I guess....It is important to remember.
So I have been very deprived of sleep, and needless to say...rather grumpy. Now, let me be really truthful here. I am a human, I have needs, I have wants. And many times, as a subzone leader in church now, I am expected to be superwoman....most time subtly....usually by people who look up to me perhaps. Wow...Hazel sure can. Wah...Hazel power. Well, I used to think I am quite flexible and stretchable. But not anymore. I have attempted to be superwoman. But now, I prefer the ordinary girl title partnering with my extraordinary God... Works better ^^
Recent weeks, my bubble burst. I have had several people who have struggles in life looking for me. Most people will know I am rather compassionate. But then, I realized this season...This transition period, I couldn't bring myself to be loving. Because in efforts of trying to cope, my tiredness took over. Every little moment left, I couldn't share it because it was so hard to come by! Not because I stopped caring, but because I felt I needed more space for myself. I needed a breather.
This afternoon, I got into an argument with someone. I felt emotionally flushed out. Not because of that person, but because of all that is put together in my life at this point. I am physically and emotionally drained. But thank God I really encountered God in Myanmar...And I considered that God's bonus for me to refresh in the midst of busyness. And I believe that was what that has been keeping me from snapping.
Physically I am worn out with just a maximum of 3 to 4 hours sleep each day. It has been ongoing for four weeks now. Imagine my desperation. Emotionally, I felt there were many expectations. Expectations for me to be there, expectations for me to meet deadlines...and beyond that...expectations for me to score at least 75% every subject. Yes. You hear me. 75%. Why do I give myself so much pressure? Well....not exactly my choice to make. It was in the system. To graduate and pass the class....I have to score at least a 75%. Welcome to Masters world.
And as I was coping and etc, many other things cut my temper short. And at these moments, I asked God.....God, why do You give me a compassionate heart lah! If only I can just walk away and not care. But I cannot. Why why why....And God replied me this....yes I can take away your compassionate heart. But that would mean, I will be taken out from your life. Because that is who I am. And if you do not want that part of me, you do not want me.
So ok. I was caught speechless and I said ok. I know I have chosen to be in this path. But I am really learning and trying to be the best I know how in every area. A subzone leader, a cell leader, a daughter, a friend a student....everything! Please give me grace to go through and take care of myself physically and emotionally. Because if I cannot manage now, I cannot imagine when I need to meet client with psychosis daily. That would be amplification of stress....
And so as I mentioned, I was in an argument this afternoon....and there were back and forth WhatsApp messages as usual. I am very reactive. Then, God spoke. Hazel...don't read the message. Just drive. So I did. I obeyed. I drove....and as I reached my class, I wanted to read...God said...Hazel, you can read. But don't respond.....
Boy you know how hard that was??? I felt I am not given a chance to defend myself with all the back forth arguments. Ugh. But ok....I stopped reacting or responding. And then concentrated in class....
It was only later when I found out why God stopped me from replying. God opened up my mind today. It wasn't a Christian class, but every single thing that happened was so real to me...that I cannot deny God was speaking. I was in a Clinical Interviewing class and my lecturer played a video. She asked us to concentrate on the interviewee and be aware of how our feelings react.
When she paused the video, she asked one by one, what was the first feeling that jumped on us. And I answered....I felt like I need to rescue the client. And that was when everything made sense. My lecturer began warning us about the very intent of our hearts and feelings we had. And she said....many times what we feel about someone usually say very much about who we are as a person inside. But we have to remember and be aware of every feeling. For me, I feel like I want to rescue, but it also means I will have the tendency to get overinvolve in someone's lives.
It is true isn't it? I always felt I need to rescue. That's the very reason why I felt drained. I have to be understood, my method had to work.....the fact is I cannot rescue. Only Jesus can. I am only a channel, a resource, and a support that God prepared here on earth. I am not the solution. I can't bring solution. Because I am also one frail, fragile human being who has emotions and also can crack under pressure. I am no difference than others. But yes...I have always wanted to rescue...and that is the danger. If anything goes wrong, who will I tend to blame? Myself :) ...and why was I so frustrated with back and forth arguments, trying to proof a point, needing someone to really change? Because I was so preoccupied by the expectation of being a rescuer :)
I have to learn to recognize that I am placed here, for one reason...to be a channel, not the solution. And I have to constantly remind myself of that. To be aware of that in fact. I have to also remind myself to let go of control when I have given my best. Some people may misunderstand. Some may think I didn't try hard enough....but I need to learn to be secure...with the fact that I know I have given my best.
Beyond that, I was educated on how to react in similar situation. Coincidence? I don't think so :)
So as usual...being human, I was complaining to God about this hectic lifestyle. And I asked Him...why did He do this to me. Haha! God said...no, I did not. I gave you an option. You chose this.....and so I went silent....and then I admitted that I have counted the cost and I am ready to go all the way for it. But I just needed to express my frustration. I am feeling very bottled up. For that moment when I was talking and talking alone in the car, tears well up...and then there was silence. Silence. But the silence was loud. I felt the embrace of God and warmth just surrounding me....and the silent mean so much. At that moment, I felt safe. I felt comforted....and most importantly, I felt God's support saying...I will always always walk with you in this journey.
And then the revelation came.
God gave me a verse: Many are called but few chosen.
The entire verse took on a new meaning for me.
I went to search the greek word for "chosen"
Part of Speech: Adjective
Transliteration: eklektos
Phonetic Spelling: (ek-lek-tos')
Short Definition: chosen, elect, choice, select
Replacing it: Many are called, but few eklektos....few select
Many are given a calling. Those few who chose or select, became the chosen.
We can decide to be chosen by doing the choosing.
So in the midst of being a "kid" ranting and throwing tantrum say...God, why am I doing this bla bla bla....It suddenly dawn upon me...despite of everything that is overwhelming me, it is still my choice to be the chosen. I can stop right now. But I have took the first step to decide to be that. No matter how tough it is gonna be, I want to be the chosen one. And I should be willing to count the cost and pay the price for it.
So whenever I ask myself, why am I putting myself through this? Remind me this verse :)
I love You, Jesus. You're awesome :)
I am entering my fourth week now. How am I doing? Honestly, not exactly great. I am very physically challenged. Reason being, there were too many readings to do, too many assignments to complete. On the second week itself we need to submit about 2 assignments, and it didn't stop eversince. Every single week there were at least 2-3 assignments so far.
Brings me to the question. Why am I here typing this post? I don't know. I guess, I just want to remind myself of the days I am pursuing the dream God placed in my heart with some discontentment and grudge...haha...And how He has spoke to me to encourage me. I guess....It is important to remember.
So I have been very deprived of sleep, and needless to say...rather grumpy. Now, let me be really truthful here. I am a human, I have needs, I have wants. And many times, as a subzone leader in church now, I am expected to be superwoman....most time subtly....usually by people who look up to me perhaps. Wow...Hazel sure can. Wah...Hazel power. Well, I used to think I am quite flexible and stretchable. But not anymore. I have attempted to be superwoman. But now, I prefer the ordinary girl title partnering with my extraordinary God... Works better ^^
Recent weeks, my bubble burst. I have had several people who have struggles in life looking for me. Most people will know I am rather compassionate. But then, I realized this season...This transition period, I couldn't bring myself to be loving. Because in efforts of trying to cope, my tiredness took over. Every little moment left, I couldn't share it because it was so hard to come by! Not because I stopped caring, but because I felt I needed more space for myself. I needed a breather.
This afternoon, I got into an argument with someone. I felt emotionally flushed out. Not because of that person, but because of all that is put together in my life at this point. I am physically and emotionally drained. But thank God I really encountered God in Myanmar...And I considered that God's bonus for me to refresh in the midst of busyness. And I believe that was what that has been keeping me from snapping.
Physically I am worn out with just a maximum of 3 to 4 hours sleep each day. It has been ongoing for four weeks now. Imagine my desperation. Emotionally, I felt there were many expectations. Expectations for me to be there, expectations for me to meet deadlines...and beyond that...expectations for me to score at least 75% every subject. Yes. You hear me. 75%. Why do I give myself so much pressure? Well....not exactly my choice to make. It was in the system. To graduate and pass the class....I have to score at least a 75%. Welcome to Masters world.
And as I was coping and etc, many other things cut my temper short. And at these moments, I asked God.....God, why do You give me a compassionate heart lah! If only I can just walk away and not care. But I cannot. Why why why....And God replied me this....yes I can take away your compassionate heart. But that would mean, I will be taken out from your life. Because that is who I am. And if you do not want that part of me, you do not want me.
So ok. I was caught speechless and I said ok. I know I have chosen to be in this path. But I am really learning and trying to be the best I know how in every area. A subzone leader, a cell leader, a daughter, a friend a student....everything! Please give me grace to go through and take care of myself physically and emotionally. Because if I cannot manage now, I cannot imagine when I need to meet client with psychosis daily. That would be amplification of stress....
And so as I mentioned, I was in an argument this afternoon....and there were back and forth WhatsApp messages as usual. I am very reactive. Then, God spoke. Hazel...don't read the message. Just drive. So I did. I obeyed. I drove....and as I reached my class, I wanted to read...God said...Hazel, you can read. But don't respond.....
Boy you know how hard that was??? I felt I am not given a chance to defend myself with all the back forth arguments. Ugh. But ok....I stopped reacting or responding. And then concentrated in class....
It was only later when I found out why God stopped me from replying. God opened up my mind today. It wasn't a Christian class, but every single thing that happened was so real to me...that I cannot deny God was speaking. I was in a Clinical Interviewing class and my lecturer played a video. She asked us to concentrate on the interviewee and be aware of how our feelings react.
When she paused the video, she asked one by one, what was the first feeling that jumped on us. And I answered....I felt like I need to rescue the client. And that was when everything made sense. My lecturer began warning us about the very intent of our hearts and feelings we had. And she said....many times what we feel about someone usually say very much about who we are as a person inside. But we have to remember and be aware of every feeling. For me, I feel like I want to rescue, but it also means I will have the tendency to get overinvolve in someone's lives.
It is true isn't it? I always felt I need to rescue. That's the very reason why I felt drained. I have to be understood, my method had to work.....the fact is I cannot rescue. Only Jesus can. I am only a channel, a resource, and a support that God prepared here on earth. I am not the solution. I can't bring solution. Because I am also one frail, fragile human being who has emotions and also can crack under pressure. I am no difference than others. But yes...I have always wanted to rescue...and that is the danger. If anything goes wrong, who will I tend to blame? Myself :) ...and why was I so frustrated with back and forth arguments, trying to proof a point, needing someone to really change? Because I was so preoccupied by the expectation of being a rescuer :)
I have to learn to recognize that I am placed here, for one reason...to be a channel, not the solution. And I have to constantly remind myself of that. To be aware of that in fact. I have to also remind myself to let go of control when I have given my best. Some people may misunderstand. Some may think I didn't try hard enough....but I need to learn to be secure...with the fact that I know I have given my best.
Beyond that, I was educated on how to react in similar situation. Coincidence? I don't think so :)
So as usual...being human, I was complaining to God about this hectic lifestyle. And I asked Him...why did He do this to me. Haha! God said...no, I did not. I gave you an option. You chose this.....and so I went silent....and then I admitted that I have counted the cost and I am ready to go all the way for it. But I just needed to express my frustration. I am feeling very bottled up. For that moment when I was talking and talking alone in the car, tears well up...and then there was silence. Silence. But the silence was loud. I felt the embrace of God and warmth just surrounding me....and the silent mean so much. At that moment, I felt safe. I felt comforted....and most importantly, I felt God's support saying...I will always always walk with you in this journey.
And then the revelation came.
God gave me a verse: Many are called but few chosen.
The entire verse took on a new meaning for me.
I went to search the greek word for "chosen"
eklektos: select, by impl. favorite
Original Word: ἐκλεκτός, ή, όνPart of Speech: Adjective
Transliteration: eklektos
Phonetic Spelling: (ek-lek-tos')
Short Definition: chosen, elect, choice, select
Replacing it: Many are called, but few eklektos....few select
Many are given a calling. Those few who chose or select, became the chosen.
We can decide to be chosen by doing the choosing.
So in the midst of being a "kid" ranting and throwing tantrum say...God, why am I doing this bla bla bla....It suddenly dawn upon me...despite of everything that is overwhelming me, it is still my choice to be the chosen. I can stop right now. But I have took the first step to decide to be that. No matter how tough it is gonna be, I want to be the chosen one. And I should be willing to count the cost and pay the price for it.
So whenever I ask myself, why am I putting myself through this? Remind me this verse :)
I love You, Jesus. You're awesome :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)