Last night in cell group, I learnt about mission. Cell leader said that we are all called to do mission work in one way or another. Mission work is not necessary the big ones where people go all over places to reach out to foreigners, but mission work also involve sharing the gospel with those around us...those we can practically see everyday. There are three kinds of evangelism, the E-1 evangelism which is a monocultural evangelism that reaches out to people within our own community and family. Second would be the E-2 evangelism which is a cross-cultural evangelism to people from other countries but share similar culture with us. The final one would be the E-3 evangelism which is cross-cultural evangelism to pepole from far away countries with no 
cultural similarities with us.
The normal mission work that people do would be the E-1 evangelism. However, it becomes a gift and calling when you are able to have the grace to love E-2 and E-3 evangelism. I myself for one...find myself having the secret desire to reach out to those outside of my own country such as Africa and Israel..especially those who are in need and poor eversince form 5. However I never thought that it would be a calling or anything like that. That night in cell group when we were singing "crossing over" I find myself struggling to find the answer. I am stuck in between my own desire to reach out and my own self-esteem and conviction. I don't know what I should do...
It is true that when I chose psychology, apart from it being my favourite subject, I also chose it with the desire that one day I could use it to reach out to many others as it is the closest tool I can obtain in order to relate to others ( I am forbidden to go to bible school anyway). Last night, I cried, knowing that deep down I have the desire but I don't have the courage to go and give what it takes...I asked God what He wants me to do...but when He asked me to be prepared for mission, I negotiated with Him...I told Him I have no confidence in this because I am not able to even reach out to people who are closest to me...and when I heard God's reply to my doubts, my heart broke. I don't know was it just something I merely perceived, but at that moment it was very real to me...that I can be pretty sure that it was God crying...I heard Him cry...He said, "Child, do you know how much I love my people and I want them saved?"...and I just felt so sad because all I could think of was myself. I was afraid I would be rejected....
And so i respond to His call last night...but still with some amout of doubt. This afternoon, I went for my college CF...and my CF showed a sermon about a girl, Rachael...who was killed in a massive killing in Colorado, 1999. Her story really moved me. She knew that she was going to die way before the incident happened...She knew that it was God's plan for her...that she will not live old enough to get married...and she was so sure that God is going to use her as she wrote everything in her diary....and she told God to use everything she has...and God did...She was killed because at the verge of death, she stood up for God and declared that she is going to believe in Jesus no matter what..she was shot in her chest...and did not survive that shot...During her funeral...10 000 people watching CNN that day was saved...ten thousand people respond to the call of picking up the torch where Rachael has left and continue running the race...ten thousand...including a man who was about to commit suicide with a gun in his hand...until he saw what was on CNN....
That sermon moved me deeply...and again today..I felt His urge...and again I ask Him what He wants me to do as I had already responded to His call last night....and He said I know what He wants me to do..and that the desire has already been planted in my heart...but He wanted to reassure me so that I could give mission a deeper thought...and true enough I became a little more concern about this compared to the night before..In fact, I was afraid..what should I do?...as much as I want to impact people's life like Rachael and others through God, I am afraid I am not able to...sometimes I admit I feel small and I feel inadequate to be good enough for such a big task...perhaps partly it is because of my selfish thoughts...perhaps it is because of the worriful nature of mine filling my head with the countless "what ifs" ...but then again..aren't we suppose to trust God?...perhaps it is because of the countless restrictions and discouragements I get from my loved ones...perhaps...too many perhaps...
Having the mixed feeling of confusion and fear churning within my stomach, I needed to speak to my cell leader...she called and in just a few minutes my anxiety level indeed decreased..hearing her part of her mission call story, I knew then that God is preparing my heart...bit by bit shaping me to know my goals and purpose...bit by bit making me fit for that work...and yes indeed...why should I be afraid? As I am writing this, peace and anointing begin to set into my heart...why should I be afraid?....if this is His calling, if this is His work, if this is His will, if this will earn His favor, then who can do anything to make it fail?...even I myself could not make anything that God has planned fail...Sometimes people tend to think too "highly" about themselves imagining that they can ruin God's plan with their inadequacies...the fact is no one can ruin God's plan but we ourselves can STOP God's plan, by the choices we made....but definitely never able to ruin the plan.
Today I am greatly inspired...Today I told God I want to impact lives like Rachael for Him..and if I desire this in my heart...then I should stop being faithless and be thankful when He open a door for me to serve....I'm sorry God...I never intended to doubt Your judgements...I need You some more to shape me so that I can grow to be more like You...more confident...and have less of me....because with all I am I can never do much...and above all it is Your strength and convictions that I need...and it is Your favor that I seek to earn....
This very day, this is written down...in hope that that someday, somewhere when I forget, someday, somewhere when I doubt again, I can look back at this and remember all that had happened...Jesus, provide me Your strength and courage, and teach me how to walk Your ways...make me tough and make me humble...and if this is truly Your will for me...I know You will assure me in times to come. I will wait...
