Last night, I pledged my love to God. It was amazing. I was in awe with all that God has done in my life. Truly there is no other place I would like to be in, than in places where He is. I will not go where His presence is not.
As I was counting my blessings, I was brought to a remembrance. I have been a Christian since Dec 1 2002. Gone through, ups, downs, time when I backslide, and time when I came back to God. Today as I was worshipping God, reflecting on His goodness in my life...laying my prayers and all I could offer on the altar for Him, I asked God: God, have I done You proud? Have I answered Your call and the vision You have given me? Have I done Your will,. Lord? What can I give or do for You?
God brought me through a flashback in my walk with Him. Truly, I m totally amazed by how God has shaped a big part of my life. How my life has been so impacted by visualizations, imaginations, and passion in my life. I came to realize, that our passion is actually very very close to God's will for us in our life!
When I first became a Christian, I looked at those singers on stage...I visualized that one day I want to be able to sing and make people cry and touched. Back home, I often sing to the mirror...hahaha! But, months later, I was the worship leader in my youth church. And during my first worship leading, number of girls cried. You know when you are a baby Christian....the childlike faith truly could move the hands of God!.....I remember I was praying for my family to get saved one day because I don't want to be an underground Christian my whole life. So I was praying and praying, and by faith I believe that year itself, one of my family member will get saved. In 2003, I boldly approach one of my cousin and shared the gospel with her. Guess what? That day itself, as I was praying for her (take note I was only a few months old christian)...deliverance happened. From that day onwards, my dearest cousin who was like a sister to me, came to Christ. Today, she is an amazing church leader in Penang engaged to a mighty man of God as well.
Eventually as time passes, the desire of the flesh came in.... when I saw the passionate seniors serving God in such a big way...I told myself...I want to be a leader in church too! Of course my motivation back then was about being glamor...True enough I became a youth leader...but eventually backslided, because it was all for the wrong motive. Even though I was a youth leader, but my life with God was totally unfruitful...nothing was left of me for the next generation. No inspiration. Nothing.
However, surprisingly, eversince I got saved, I have always wanted to be a pastor....not to say that it was a glamor job...but I just wanted to be able to help others change their lives for better. Since my parents forbid me from attending bible school, I chose the next course nearest to bible school pastors...that is PSYCHOLOGY :) Hence, I enrolled and my journey in KL started.
As I came to KL in October 2006, I was totally lost and under depression. I wanted to come back to God, but I do not know how. I couldn't bring myself to tell my hometown pastor anything. Praise God, I stumble upon a bunch of housemates who were city harvesters back then. They were eager to bring me to their church! I was rather cynical as I wanted to attend my church.....not theirs...However, it was in CHC KL that I finally found my way back to God. In December 2006, I told God...I want to be a person that would be able to use my life story (real life story) to encourage another person. I want a breakthrough with God. True enough, God made that happen. in 2006, I came out of depression and sucidal tendencies, and this stories had been a great tool for me to motivate members I counsel eversince.
Then eventually, I asked God for opportunity to serve Him more, but this time...not with a wrong motive. I want to serve Him but I want the right heart.. Not for fame or glamor...but to really do His will. In 2007, Shirley offered me to be an intern. Out of fear, I rejected it because I was afraid that I may be overwhelm by the glamor and leave God again. Nonetheless, as Shirley spoke to me, I took up the challenge and I made a promise with her...that whenever she finds me serving God for the wrong purpose, for fame, for glamor, that she would stripped me off immediately. She agreed.
Eventually as I followed Shirley, looking at the way she preach, and the way she love and counseled people, I visualized within me, one day I would like to be able to preach and love others like her, where every sermon will cut into people's heart and every act of love will make a person want to change for Jesus. I want that chance to make a difference in the world. 2008, I was appointed Cell Leader.
Then, in 2007 as I joined my first ever emerge, looking at Felicia praying on the stage such a sincere prayer....I told God...God, one day...I wish I m as brave as her, and as impactful as her, that when she prays, Your presence just come down. That day, so many young people being there, whether Christian or not, I believe they would have sensed something different when she prayed. One day...when I m bold enough....in 2008 itself, I was given a chance to lead a cluster, Not only to pray, but to share my testimony to thousands of people.
In the midst of all these, I also often visualize that one day I will be able to preach to hundreds of people, with God by my side, to challenge young people to come to God. This has not come to pass yet, but in 2009, I was a step closer. During a mission trip, even though there were not 100s of young people, but 50 young people responded to the altar call with 6 salvation decisions. I was totally in awe at how God could use such a broken / totally imperfect person like me!
In 2009, as I went through a tough season, crisis in my finances.....I was struggling through with my building fund. By faith, the building fund problem was solved. And I told God...God I believe one day, You will give me a testimony to share about Your goodness through giving. that I refused to be defeated by this situation in life. I will keep sowing until You ask me to stop. In 2010, I was given the chance to share my Building Fund testimony, not only in church, but also in Setiawan, to encourage others in their giving.
Having thought through all these, I realized, that God has planted His call deep in me. And His call is very close to my passion. Everything that I ever dreamt of doing for God (not everything yet, but most of the things) He made it happen. But is the process toward there easy? No...I went through persecution in family, I went through financial struggle, I went through mocking of friends, I had to deal with difficult members.
What I m trying to say...within everyone of us, there is a call of God, close to our passion. We have to decide to water that seed, to not only visualize...(I assure you when you visualize it God will give you opportunities to make it come to pass, if it is in His will). You not only have to believe you can do it in the fourth dimension, you have to take the courage to step out and DO IT. Not just see it or imagine it, but do it.
Our destiny could vary according to the decisions we made in life. If I had chose a different path, perhaps pharmacy, or if I had insisted my rejection on taking up the intern role, I wouldn't have had the chance to do all that I had imagined to do with God with all my might. If I had shut the door of opportunities in front of me again and again and again, I could have big dreams in God, but nothing would get done. If I chose to succumb to the voices of discouragement that says I could not do it, that I m not worthy, I m not good enough...I wouldn't be where I m today..
Friends, to live for Jesus isn't easy. To live for Jesus requires a lifetime of struggles! With the flesh, our personal selfish wants, needs, and feelings. But to live a set apart life for Jesus is a CHOICE. The choices I made, bring me to where I m today...good and bad.....
With that, does it mean I live a perfect life? No...I still make wrong decisions...I still mess up in certain areas in life, I still bang my head sometimes...I m not perfect. But on this journey to perfection, to do the will of God, is not about being ambitious or successful...its about being obedient to the call He has planted within us. Alot of times we can be very passionate about something, but not courageous enough to take a step of faith. The truth is, God has always waited for us to take that one step to be able to manifest His glory.
We are His hands, and His feet....Before He could use em, we gotta surrender these hands and feet to Him..
By all means, dream and dream big for God. My God is larger than my imagination :) He is able to use me for many all the things I could ever imagine. But the question is, m I willing to be where He wants me to be?
I still have big dreams.....to be a nation changer for Christ. I m still very very very very far from it....but is it impossible? Looking back at all He has brought me through...I believe God is trying to tell me....it is totally possible. But it would require obedience and willingness on my part....to die to my flesh and live for Him....The choice is in my hand. The more you ask God to use you...prepare that you would have to go through more too :) ...do you then, dare to dream....but more than that...do you dare to step out?
When we grow older, when life seems to be so vague with their ups and downs, when things are not really going well, when times are tough, and there seems to be too much risk already, and we seem to prefer stability more.....would we still step out, believe, dream and be bold in our imagination as when we were a child....? Would we remember these dreams, and still hold on to it, believing we would see it come to pass? Would we still have the faith to do His desires and will here on earth?
What then can I do for You, God?...:)....Plenty...He said. The issue is not with the "what" or the "how"....the issue is "will we?"
Something I would love to ponder on too :)
