My roomie has just accepted
CHRIST... did the sinner's prayer
last night...so happy!!..there must
be a grand celebration in heaven
right now...welcome to the FAMILY
OF GOD dearest Miss LONG =) =)
=) and CONGRATULATIONS...in
this beautiful journey with GOD,
we shall walk hand in hand
upholding each other, alright?
Today, i did a mistake…an honest one….it was during worship in cell group that I felt God tugging my heart telling me to ask the cell group to continue worshipping…but I didn’t do anything then because I was thinking to myself, if really God wanted to tell the cell group something, why didn’t He tell it through my cell leader, she is the leader anyway…so I tried suppressing the feeling until when worship ended, and the time of testimony started, I began feeling my heart beating faster and faster…my hands were shaking and I was feeling really overwhelmed…I felt really moved by the Holy Spirit (or so i thought) to tell the cell group about God wanting them to worship Him more…so I attempted to tell my cell leader, but she didn’t react much and tried avoiding the conversation as there were a lot others sharing testimonies that time…and I didn’t thought much that she was trying to indicate that it was not such a right thing to do at that time, I thought she merely just couldn’t understand what I was trying to tell her because my voice was shivering…so I sat back at my seat…and waited for my turn to speak…and when it was my turn…I began to share what I felt…countless time, my cell leader tried to lead me to another topic, but I still couldn’t get what she was trying to say…i was thinking myself…ha?...how come she couldn’t understand what I was trying to say ya?...LOL….and yea…so because I was ignorant to the signs she was trying to give me, I continued sharing….
and after that, she replied my sharing by saying that we were meant to edify one another when the spirit of God moves…however, since I wanted to worship and if it is ok with everyone else, we would continue worshipping….then, when the second session of worship starts, I began to feel something wasn’t right…..so I waited till after the whole sermon ended, I went and confronted my cell leader, asking her if what I had done previously was wrong….she gracefully told me that it was not wrong for me to do that, but rather a mistake…because I did it on the wrong time…she told me that she would be more than willing to continue worshipping if I were to tell her during worship time…but because I suppressed it and waited until the testimony session started to say it, it was not a right time because, God is a God of order…and in 1 corinthians itself, this matter was taught…just perhaps I didn’t know because I was rather ignorant to The Word…because I didn’t know…just imagine if pastor is preaching halfway during a service and suddenly one person from the congregation stood up to say it is time to worship and the sermon should stop, then the church would be quite chaotic and disorganized isn’t it?.....
and perhaps out of guilt for ignoring God’s voice in the beginning have caused me to insist in sharing that then, because I didn’t do it when I was required to…however she repeatedly told me that it was ok because she believed it is a breakthrough for me….that all these happened so I can learn…that I must not rely too much on my feeling or emotions in discerning the movement of Holy Spirit…at that moment I felt so touched because I felt really loved and taken care of…because she was really protecting me when she supported me even when i was wrong then….and at that time also when she told me it was ok to make mistakes and all…I felt so touched that I almost cried because I thought with the mistakes I have done, perhaps she would have viewed me as a different person…at that moment I felt so embarrassed because number 1, I wasn’t aware when she was giving me the signals that it was not so right to do that…number 2, I felt like it was a mistake which should not be committed at all…perhaps this would have make her doubt whether if I am fit to be a leader or not…but no…instead…she kept encouraging me to learn and believe for a breakthrough in it…at that moment I felt so so so grateful that I could be as honest as I can be and just be who I am meant to be, good or bad….in front of her…because I know she would still continue loving me, taking care of me, and molding me no matter what…
After that, I didn’t thought much about this matter…until when I come home from fellowship supper, and I was left alone to think for awhile, the feeling of embarrassment began to cloud my mind again…I began feeling that I have done something wrong in public and people might be viewing me differently…perhaps I might not be able to have a good impression anymore….thank God He sent my Singapore cousin, who is a christian, to minister to me….he told me that I should stop dwelling in my past., let go, and be willing enough to let others learn from my mistakes…and it is not a matter if others look at me in a different way so long as I genuinely change from my mistakes and gain the acceptance of God…that is all that matters…after a long chat, he left…and I began striving to change this feeling of mine…
I began telling my roommate how I was feeling then, and she shared with me something that really opened my eyes to the solution of my problems then…she told me that she used to have a very very embarrassing moment, and she really didn’t want anyone to know about it afraid of the way others might think of her…but she said…as she shared her problems, she felt she was not embarrassed about her past anymore…in fact…she was able to face it as it is….and that was when I had a moment of “eureka”….to face my big giant…the fear of being seen by others as inadequate….i would make myself more vulnerable…I decided to post a blog concerning this….to announce to the public that I indeed have made this mistake (the mistake that I don’t want people to know), I am willing to admit it…and change from it….and then, Kathy was onlining at the right time…she gave me a boost and supported me in this…..in fact Kathy was there, when my cell leader, Shirley was teaching me…..and she told me that she learnt something from what Shirley had shared with me too…and I was really shock and blessed at the same time because I didn’t know that the mistake I thought was my biggest embarrassment actually taught someone something…and I was really amazed with what God can do with little insignificant stuffs like these…
once I decided to write this blog, I felt so relieved and free because I knew I was not held or controlled by my fear anymore…in fact I am taking control and conquering over my fear…and vulnerability indeed is the best way to know that you are broken and You truly need God to come and make your life right….as I started writing this blog, I began feeling how silly I was for dwelling in this petty little matter…it was really nothing big…but I thank God I took time to think about it, because if it was not for that mistake, I would never learn to deal with my fear of not being accepted, emotions controlling, and to do the right thing at the right moment…I believe it is a breakthrough for me….not only in one matter…but several matters…that through this mistakes, truly I have learnt a lot…..just as keith preached in his previous sermon…he said that honest mistakes is ok…but we have to learn from it and not repeat it…and we are to celebrate our mistakes because mistakes truly determines our quality and helps us grow from time to time…and I really felt blessed because finally I understood all these in a deeper manner…
I just felt really grateful to a lot of people during this moment, Kathy, Jan, my cousin, my roommate, and especially Shirley….because I know now that I have a great family….who will accept me inside out, good or bad as I am…family who will constantly remind me and correct me of my mistakes….family who do not condemn me or make mistakes a big deal and assume it is a disgrace and shame for them…a family who will uphold me from time to time….
and truly as keith said…mistakes are mistakes….mistakes are the things you do….not who you are…and we should indeed celebrate mistakes…because you never know how it can bless others and what you can really learn from it…and today….this blog is posted…..not only to edify others…but for myself to grow and learn to overcome my weaknesses…because when I am not afraid to be vulnerable, I am more courageous in overcoming my biggest fear….i believe a great breakthrough is indeed coming….and truly truly…i am not perfect, i cannot be perfect as much as i strive to be...i am truly broken….and i need God…i really do =) ….i hope this sharing right here…can really bless someone in their daily walk with God and also in whatever they are doing….
Indeed, do not sleep with your mistakes….
Though, these two days, things were quite challenging for me, and my faith was stretched from time to time, i am really really grateful because i have been blessed in one way or another...things can be different if you choose to look at them from different perspectives...
and i had really alot of fun spending the little time i can find with my mom...my mom is amazing..because she is the only one who will allow me to feel like a child...or rather allow me to be a child :P haha...and yesterday was really a wonderful day because i expected spending a meaningful, fruitful time with my mom...in fact, i think everyday should be expected and proclaimed that way....every bad day on the other hand, should be filled with good thoughts so that the negativity wouldn't be too overwhelming until it chokes our bright side....for a wonderful day is not determined by our current affairs. A wonderful day is lived by choice...
therefore yesterdays and today...could all be wonderful =) in fact, it should be...
p/s: i miss you mommy. thank you :)
Have you ever encounter people trying hard to impress another party and that the person is another person in front of you and a totally different person in front of the person they are trying to impress?...i honestly have chills seeing such people...sometimes things like that are easily felt...whether it was obvious or not...i admit there are people i would like to impress too sometimes...but at most times i would try my best to be the person i am meant to be as much as i can...not to say i am a super perfect person or put myself above anyone, but its just that i want to be as honest as possible to myself and others...but sometimes....this could be a bad thing...you tend to lose your sensibility of being sensitive to what others feel then...because all you wanted was just to be honest with everything....am still working on this area of my life...
i find myself being very sensitive about this issue recently. because at times i feel there are a lot of scenarios like these going on...someone is trying to impress A and A trying to impress B, B trying to impress C, C trying to impress A and so forth...its like a cycle...and it is true that you can't be fair to everyone..sometimes you tend to treat certain people better than others....but special treatment is not the issue here...
the issue here is to act unusually different in front of the person you are trying to impress....to me sometimes i can feel it is quite fake for a person to be another person, or rather an ideal person in front of the person this particular person want to impress...wouldn't it be hard to not be yourself?...wouldn't it be hard to be someone else and not someone you are meant to be? in fact it is quite sad to deny the person you are meant to be isn't it?
to me i prefer people who are real...people who are not afraid to be themselves, as bad or as flawed they might be...be honest with who they are, be honest with their weaknesses..and perhaps strive for a change...i would feel more comfortable being around such friends...nonetheless i should not judge...perhaps sometimes, i might be too sensitive...perhaps i watched too much dramas...haha....however, it is sometimes not easy to be ourselves especially when we despise the person who are inside of us...nonetheless, we are called to live life the best we know how...and the best way is to live as the person you are meant to be...the person you know how to be...don't live differently from yourself because you want to earn acceptance from others, or from a particular person, ingroup, or etc...instead, dare to be different because you know you are different for a reason...in this diversed community we are living in.....we are all special...and trust me, when you try to impress others...people can sense it...heee...BE YOURSELF unless being yourself means being abnormal =P
this is about THE DAY OF PENTECOST....consist of three main parts....
i am highlighting the third part...because this relates pretty much to the to insignificant people.
RESISTANCE & RECEPTIVITY
in acts 2 : 12-13..after the Holy Spirit descended to the people who were praying in the room....the disciples started speaking in tongues...speaking in different different languages..imagine...Gallileans speaking in different languages, while speaking in vast variety of languages (oral sign)...and when the Holy Spirit came there was a loud gushing of wind...LOUD...so everyone celebrating pentecost that day (people from different nation come to see the celebration of Jews...Mesopotamia, Asia and etc) they heard the sound and rush to find out what was it (audible sign)...and there were fire on top of each and everyone of them who were speaking in tongues (visual sign).....it was very significant sign that God was truly there...and yet...in the crowd...there were two division of the group...one being the group that readily believe the signs and accepted the truth...second group...being the one who criticize them saying that they were drunk and so forth....but it is only 9am in the morning!...its an impossible hour to be drunk....at least not all of them..but still there were division among the crowd...in other words...we can continue preaching and preaching but there will always be two different groups of people...one being the ones who readily accept the truth...the other, always rejecting it...(Matt 10 : 6-14)...so in the midst of preaching...if the person accepts you....you continue staying with them, and further minister to them...but if they don't and they chase you out of their houses, then its ok...you just shake the dust off your feet!...you are not any smaller or less significant because of that...
and we needn't be afraid when minister to others...because it is not by our own works that we make it work...but it is by the Holy Spirit who dwells in us...the word "HELPER" in greek is called parakletos = someone called alongside to help you...this exactly describes the Holy Spirit...and Holy Spirit is not a thing...he is a person...God often refer to the Holy Spirit as "He" and not "It"...and Jesus said that it is our advantage that He goes...because after He went...immediately the Holy Spirit is sent...if He didn't leave, then the Holy Spirit cannot come....Jesus..being fully man was limited by time and space...and He was living with the disciples side by side...but the Holy Spirit, is able to minister to thousands of people at the same time..so long as you receive Jesus, He comes!!...and the Holy Spirit is exactly like Jesus....and He is living in us!!...not with us, along us...but in us!...that is why when we minister to others...it is very important to have the Holy Spirit's guidance....and we should not do anything by our own might or strength...but by God's wisdom and strength through the Holy Spirit.
the significance of the Holy Spirit is as this : when Peter...a loud, crude, and insecure fisherman..received this gift, immediately three things happened to him...1. Peter instantly understood God's truth...which applies to us today...when we receive the gift of Holy Spirit, we are able to understand what we read in the bible and everything would seem more interesting than it used to seem...2. boldness and authority came upon him...and this is exactly what we really need....sometimes we are so limited by the thoughts we perceive about ourselves...like how small we are...how impossible God is going to use us....because we seem so inadequate....of little talent...but when you receive the Holy Spirit, and is willing enough, He is going to change you and make you bold...the key to a great harvest is to be a willing vessel and that is all it takes for God to use you!....a willing heart...
3. signs and wonders followed his preaching....when he spoke...3000 people of different culture and background..accepted Christ...and they were called the first-fruits...the first three thousand who accepted Jesus..after he ascended to heaven....let's recap everything...Peter, if you realised in other chapters...was quite an insecure, emotional person..he denied Jesus 3 times when Jesus was caught by the roman soldiers (considerably a coward), he often speak without thinking and hurt others..that was why there was always conflict between the disciples...he always "talk big" meaning boast about everything, to cover up his lowly self-esteem...and he was an UNEDUCATED fisherman...yet when he spoke on the day of pentecost....3000 people got saved!!...this is the power imparted by the Holy Spirit...friends, if you have received that gift of the Holy Spirit, you can definitely do this....if GOd can use Peter, God can use you and i...not only for the work of His kingdom...but in every area of our lives as well...and what more?...we are not even fisherman...and we are mostly educated!....
at times we do feel like things were actually too huge for us...like sometimes we feel that God is really disappointed with us because we cannot reach a certain goal and so forth?..or we have failed to be the ideal person God wants us to be?...this is what i realised last night...God does not see what is on the outside...what is the result...God sees the heart, the processes we go through....if we were made to be perfect...would we ever need God?...if we were all perfect then would this world carry all the imperfections it contained right now?...the VA Tech incident is one of the many examples of how distorted our society is right now....and if we keep putting negative words into our hearts...thinking how insignificant we are...and how bad our lives are to be doing great things for God, it is going to worsen the already distorted world...besides, isn't it a little bit of belittling God?...like we decide for God that He cannot use us because we are the way we are....when we actually have no rights to say that because we are not the creator of ourselves...HE is!...and if He say we can...who can say we can't?
in the bible, God used alot of insignificant people...Moses was not able to speak properly, he stuttered....Peter was loud and crude and insecure...Paul was a murderer.... and see what great changes they had made to the people of their time?...God can use anyone...and we just need to be a willing vessels for Him...and we have to trust God to give us the boldness and courage....we are never insignificant in His eyes...everyone of us...even when sometimes you feel that people are not paying attention to you and most of the times unimportant...God sees your heart.....we might be insignificant here in this world....but we are never insignificant in GOd's eyes....none of us is insignificant...because He knows us by name, even the number of hair on our heads...self-esteem is built through the relationship you build with God...how closely you walk to Him..how well you know Him...if you know Him well enough, you will know His forgiving nature and His nature of seeking the heart...
the promise of God to those who receive Jesus till this very day is that Holy Spirit will follow us wherever we go....wherever....not a single day He will rest, give up on us, or leave us...when we walk to the right, He is there, when we walk to the meaninglessly in circles, he is there, uphill..everywhere...sleeping....and when we fall in our walk of life...he is readily there...handing out his hand to help...and when you reach out for his hands...he will pull you up...even when you fall....and you choose to stay down there....he hands out his hand...waiting for you to put out your hand to be restored again...but if you choose not to come up...he will stand there and wait and wait and wait...until someday when you decide to get up again. he will never leave...thats the promise of GOd....PROMISE...not just any random statement....the key to the change of an insignificant, low self-esteem mindset..is to be able to do everything out of love for God,...don't be too worried about being too unworthy for Him to use you or see you as significant....He is the most righteous judge and He knows best...and being significant is not doing all those great works and put an impressive outlook for others...being significant is just by being you, yourself....the one God created you to be...be proud of it...and at the same time run after God's heart and be willing to be used...
i hope this blog is of blessing to others in dealing with the insignificant mindset of themselves...of cos i can't explain that well...my cell leader explained really clear and it helped me alot...so if you were confused in the midst of this i am so sorry....but ya..i just feel like posting this up for others as well as myself... because i hope it helps those who feels all these..i understand the cruelty of it..but hey, don't dwell in it because it is going to eventually kill you spiritually and emotionally....get out of it!! its the weapon of the enemy!! and i hope this is also a reminder to myself that today i have chosen not to think of how significant i am or not...but just to be willing....
yesterday was a breakthrough for me...as i heard time after time...in testimony challenge sharing, in the sermon, in the song...of the significance of the heart...not the outlook...i have concentrated too much on the outlook..thinking that if i don't do well in my studies, if i don't manage my time well, if i don't show a very super excellent good testimony, i am a failure in portraying the Jesus who lives in me...but sometimes, it is not that we don't want to...but we are limited by the situations...even so, we strive to show the best testimony we can...but of cos as human we can never show the perfect testimony of Jesus...then we would have been Jesus, right?...so ya...the best we could do...is just do the best we have within our limits...and sometimes i pressurized on this too much that i really get upset with myself thinking that i cannot be used because of all the inadequacies i have....but this is never true, as i heard God telling me time after time through many people repeatedly...it is the heart that counts...it is the heart that sums up everything...i won't say that i am perfect and i have the best heart God desires....sometimes i am human, sometimes i am selfish too...sometimes i neglect God and jumble up my priorities...but we are not to keep account of all our faults and use it against ourselves...it is really damaging..and if Jesus has already done everything on the cross and God says no sins will be remembered,...who are we to say that our sins are too big to be forgiven?...we have no rights to tell God whether it is appropriate or worthy for Him to forgive us or not...and the best we can do being the imperfect ordinary person we are now...is to just strive to run after God and have a heart that truly desire His favor....let's work it out together with me....this two weeks break is the perfect time i need...to list down everything and every weaknesses i have, and set my priorities and mend my erratic areas of my life together with God....when i come back, i hope i can deal better with everything and be really changed...let's believe God to make extraordinaries out of ordinaries =)
