Nostalgia

I remember, when I was studying for my final exam, I was thinking to myself. This is probably going to be last time I am holding these books reading. I probably wouldn't have the chance to rush for thesis, assignments, and study for exams. I suddenly felt as though I was about to grow up, and I felt nostalgic about things. No more college life, no more being childish and people would understand. Time to grow up.

Now, coming to the end of 2009. Things are becoming more and more real. No more fooling around Hazel. Time to step into the marketplace, time to work, time to grab all the opportunities at hand and make a difference. The time is now.

As I reflect upon 2009, and all the goodness and favor I have experienced, I am so grateful and thankful for all that have happened. 2009 have been an amazing year. I still remember I have label for each year. 2007 was the year of breakthrough for me because for the first time in life, I have experienced breakthroughs after breakthroughs like never before in my life. Then breakthroughs become very common, I experience it almost every season. 2008 was the year that I felt most expanded. Many expansion going on.

And finally 2009, 2009 was yet the most amazing years of my life. I had more expansions, more breakthroughs, and most importantly, in 2009 was the first time ever I felt so so unspeakably grateful that I am alive at such a time like these. Going through what I went through. Good and bad. Feeling up, feeling down.....struggling through to be a better me...yet, I felt most closest to Him. Looking back at 2009, true there are things that I have planned and I achieved, there are goals which I did not get to achieve....But, I savor every moment of it, because 2009 have been the year that I LEARNT so so so so so much about life that I felt so grateful going through so much be it the good or the bad.

So I shall label 2009 as the year that I finally see things through God's eyes. Learning to appreciate so so much each and every season as well as experiences I went through. I have honestly never felt as appreciative as I have right now. First time in life I felt so favored and so grateful that I wished 2009 needn't have to come to an end. Words really cannot express. Nonetheless, as nostalgic as we may be, we all still need to grow up! haha...

I know 2010 is going to be a year of transition for me in many areas. And I know it is not going to be easy. But ever since I steped into City Harvest, each year has been better and better. I know the best is yet to come. 2010 is going to be yet another year filled with wonders and amazement. I can't wait. Planning out goals and visions, wanting to RUN my life vision even more, DISCOVER more of my destiny, be STRONGER in circumstances, and CLOSER to my First Love.

I am ready for 2010. Are you? =)

When the Saws are in Unison

Phew...Past week, I have been shopping and shopping and shopping non-stop for DAYS. Well, that is because my dearest mummy was around in KL, and honestly I admire the strength of her legs. She could walk from morning, till the mall closes at night! We have gone to many many different places like Sungei Wang, Pavilion, Time Square, One Utama, Sunway Pyramid...etc etc (not to mention the other days when my mom shop without me....fuh!)

So, I guess, I have compensated my lack of exercise for the WHOLE YEAR within just few days....muahahhaa...and oh boy, I love the dresses I bought. I got to wear them for a shopping spree one of the days. And seriously, it feels different when you wear dress. Normally, I wear t-shirt and jeans, and you can walk pass anybody without anyone noticing your existence. This time, when I wore this new dress.....well, not to say that more people notice me because I was pretty, but....you know how people often notice a very tall, long-legged girl, with long flowy hair, strong perfume scent, and pretty dresses, and sharp heels passing by? Not because they are particularly pretty, but your reflexes just somehow turn around to give a second look...like there's a magnet?? Am I hearing a NO? Ok, let's be honest....I NOTICE THEM TOO! ahakz....well, that was how I felt at least that day. Haha...except that I only fulfill ONE of the many criterias. That is the pretty dress....nyiahahaa....

So you see, sometimes what you wear influences how the crowd looks at you. No wonder, it is important to wear very nicely and appropriately during interviews. So here is my pretty dress...One of it.....Well, it might be unpretty to you, but I LIKE IT! *wiggle*.....so here here

without cardigan

with cardigan

Not to mention some other pictures I took during shopping. Hahahhaa...I was a little bored XP

And presenting...the Heineken Christmas Tree...

Oh boy...uh....I experienced snow at Pavilion too. But phone died, so no pictures....Anyhoo....

Here is some pictures from my dad's birthday. Imagine your earthly dad and your heavenly daddy has the same birthday! So cool Right?!! Yea so it was Christmas, and everybody was all dressed up to a very prestigious hotel for a dinner. Well, I thought it was Taiping, and you needn't have to dress really super nice...So obviously from the picture below you can see I am underdressed compared to everyone else...=_='''

 

But it is okay! I still have fun!! And uh, there is a sky bar at the rooftop! with swimming pools....so we got into camwhoring mode and tadaa...these are the pictures...

thats my beautiful mom...

that's the very pretty daughter XP

second brother with his muscle hands (we call him Popeye) with his pretty girlfriend (we call her Olivia)

oooo....a perfect match! teehee

big brother and girlfriend...aheemm....wedding bells wedding bells

And finally we got home for the traditional cake cutting ceremony. TADDAA....dad was all shy, but we forced him to do it anyway...teeheee

 

And there my three monkey brothers.

2nd bro: Look at my muscles man

1st bro: Oh my new touchscreen mobile is more interesting

Little bro: *sneer* Don't he realize he looks like an alien? (in the heart)

Hazel: (The camera person)...nyiahahah...I get to type and say what I want!

Thats me. I plan to bring this to Bali as a beach hat. So cute right? I know.

And then the next day, again they decided to bring me to another prestigious hotel in Taiping. ( I wonder how many big pretty hotels were opened while I was gone? Oh gosh...) 

 

Again as usual I was underdressed...

But I had  fun....hahahaha....Oh well...that sums up my week with my family. Crazy gatherings, crazy people, but loving the homely feeling. Mom has been making me do a lot of house chores so that I will be a NORMAL adult when I step into working world. Like know how to cook and all sorts....Love her to bits. hehe.....tadaa...I am done. Time to eat and feed the growling monster...RARRR!

toodles~

Hey Ho!

This is gonna be my personal blog from now on.

www.hazellearnstobreathe.blogspot.com

Gonna transfer my multiply over here. Learning to use blogspot. Haha. However, there will be cross posting from now onwards. So whatever posted in blogspot will appear in multiply too! *wiggle*

It's gonna be fun!!

Why are you still single?

"Hazel, why are you still single?"



Today's blog is gonna be interesting, because I am going to write about RELATIONSHIP. Not just any relationship, but BGR. Yes...Again, I need to pen down whatever I am learning right now this season. I really hope it blessed someone today.

A lot of times, this is the one question that EVERYONE around me has been asking over and over and over and over again. To be specific, this is the most FREQUENTLY asked question I have ever had. Some would ask...."So, Hazel, any target in mind? Time to get attached!"

Well, here is my answer for all those who are concerned...LOL xP.... NO RUSH. I am only 22 this year!! I still have the whole world to explore. And I am in the best years of my life now. Making mistakes, yet learning the most and just simply appreciating everything I have around me. Not that I am not tame down or ready for a relationship, I just know and I am secure that I can take all the time in the world to look, see and explore.



"What if you don't get attached and you are old and nobody wants you anymore? Cos you are no longer attractive?" Somebody ask. Then so be it. If I need to compromise my principles, standards and values just to stay away from being single (or rather being old and lonely) I rather take the stand of celibacy....A godly man once said, the first most important day of your life, is when you receive Christ....the second most important day of your life, is the day you got married. I have had so much fun with God since the day I accepted Him....Now, I want to make sure my marriage life will not make me have second thoughts about making the wrong decisions too.

"Don't need to be afraid that you would lose out on the good guys. If he is yours, he will stay faithful till you are ready..." This is an advice from my beautiful anointed leader. I think she is right. That one word, change my outlook on everything.



I needn't try to SEARCH or LOOK if this particular guy would have that CERTAIN QUALITY inside. Or try to dig it out of him. You know...try to influence him to be a better man or things like that just so he can be in the consideration? NO NEED. I just need to do one thing. I take time to DISCOVER. And the journey of discovery can be really an eye-opener. And in the journey if he becomes a better man, that would be really an awesome insight for the girl too!



I have different people walking in and out of my life. Many times this is very true to me. With time, I read the true character, and also with time, I am able to gauge the patience and perseverance from within. Well, if  you are not courageous enough to fight for the partner you want....Don't try convincing her that she is really important to you. It wouldn't work. haha.

Nonetheless, there is a different insight throughout this season. Not that I have a lot of experiences in relationship, but honestly...NOTHING happens by chance. Different types of relationships taught me many different lessons. As 2009 is coming to an end, and I began evaluating what I have truly learnt....I cannot believe I have broke through so much. And a lot of things are truly, just divine.

I have broken through from having a standard of a husband like "Pastor Kong type" (LOL....okok you can stop laughing now) to just having a partner with the character of God, who loves God. With that, I am sure, he will be able to lead me, and from there we can grow together.

I was just talking to a very wise person. Somebody I really look up to a lot :) He is really an inspiration. He just told me one thing that I have find hard to describe all these while. The one missing element. The one thing that I find missing in the pursuits I experienced from time to time. Just one thing....

DIVINE CONNECTION.



No formula. Nothing. Just simply DIVINE CONNECTION.

It is not about the guys pursuing me are bad. Nor about them not being spiritual enough. In fact, who am I to judge whether a person is spiritual or not? I am not God. It is  not about the LEVELS of spirituality. It is also not about raging emotions or passions, it is beyond that. It is something that surpasses feelings and likings. It is just simply divine connection!

When you meet a partner that you have divine connection with, you know the moment he or she steps into your life, your destiny and everything else will be set into place. He needn't be a great pastor or evangelist. He just need to be that one man or one woman that brings you into the "destiny defining moment." You just CLICK!


Wow....and yes....only one thing missing through it all. The divine connection. I guess when I find that one person who will allow me to feel a strong divine connection, I would just know that he is the one I want to be with....no matter what status, what position, or what others talk about him (Of course I need to know if  he loves God genuinely first).

Above all...emotions should not overpower the will of God.I want to have a relationship in the will of God. And I am willing to wait. Only time will tell. As you discover more about a person, the connections can either grow stronger, or grow weaker. No rush as I said. I want to have an amazing journey with this next partner I have. Really just loving God, and strengthening one another, bringing one another to the destiny.


So here it is....Why am I still single? I am looking for a man who shares the divine connection with me. :) And that is soooooo important to me. Nonetheless, I am so assured, I will find him. Only matter of time.

I think knowing this....I am once again....a step closer to my destiny....wohoooo!! SO EXCITED!! XD

Anyway please don't get me wrong. I don't mean to say I am great or holy. I need my partner to feel the divine connections with me too, in order to be with me. And....We just need to have that "click". XD Not planning to step into celibacy either (unless if I am required to)

Thank You, Daddy...for always surrounding me with great people, giving me new insights, making this journey so fruitful, interesting, mind boggling....and most importantly, full of mystery....:D

Love~~

God does honor HUMAN! =DD

I am SOOOOO amazed with God.

I am so grateful for Him...He loves me so much, at times I think He spoils me *LOL* (ok joking, God doesn't spoil His children. He is a good Father!)

I have gone through many problems, and mistakes because of my own fault. I have no one to blame. But through all these mistakes, when I pray, and I learn to just accept I have done a mistake, and I prepare my heart to receive the consequences and be responsible for my actions, God always come into the picture.

I pray, and I told God...its ok God, I understand. I know I have done mistakes, but right now I would just want to pray that You will help me receive the consequences with a peaceful, calm heart and to still be grateful for everything.

GUESS WHAT?!?! He ALWAYS does more than that. He provides alternatives and new solutions to the problems, mistakes, actions that were not even His to bear! And He RELEASE and RELIEF me from all of it. He truly carries my burdens, to this very day! WOW! It is such an honor to have such blessings and favor from Him. LOVE YOU TO BITS DADDY!!

I am so overwhelmed and grateful, that I really need to pen this down. He just blows my mind each time. I don't know how He does it, but He just do that ALL THE TIME. XD

Who would comprehend, the love He FREELY gave
The Angels (and HAZEL) stand amazed. IMPOSSIBLE GRACEEEE

God, You're awesome. Thank you for loving me and honoring me this much. I can never ask for anything more, but for You to just STAY in my life. I promise, I will never take anything for granted.

:)))))))) weeee~~~~ HAPPINESS to the power of infinity!

The Journey....

 

This is the craziest period in my whole life. I am unbelievably occupied all the time! Yet, this is one period that I realize I slacked the most too especially in studies...heeee...mainly to escape (really really bad...I am working on it!) Proven a high S person. I would sleep or divert attention when I get stressed up...LOL...

I have been having fever for three days now. Still slightly sick....Don't like the feeling really. Makes me feel very vulnerable and helpless. Can't do much in anything and everything. The head tends to spin whenever try harder. Nonetheless, through this semester, I realized I learned so much more about myself, and about things around me...that I felt, I am stepping into the zone or a season where my destiny defining moment is about to POP OUT! So excited (*wiggle*)

Recently I have learned a lot about things that are going on in my life. I have learned not to take life as just an everyday walk, or a routine to just go by....But truly to appreciate each and everything, and to really look intensely into every event and learn something from it. Truly, I want to emphasized here, that NOTHING we go through in life, is wasted. NOTHING happens by chance. And I am so convicted with this. And I just feel...life is really very very very beautiful....very...indeed. :) I regret nothing.

As I am in the library waiting for my next activity of the day which will be in half an hour's time, I really feel I should take the opportunity to pen all these down before I ram into the battle of workloads again...LOL...Like I mentioned before, this blog is like a place for me to jot down all my breakthroughs for myself and hopefully able to bless others..Here it is! Hope you guys enjoy.

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Recently I have a breakthrough that truly brings me closer to God. As most people who knows me long enough know, I was actually quite an emotional person in the beginning. I wept at everything, get affected easily, one word from another person got me worry the whole week, I was always sad, depressed and expressive about how I feel things didn't work out, I always blamed myself and provoked self-pity, I wanted people to pity me, I wanted people to know I was emotional, I wanted to be emotional, I wanted to look weak....LOL....(that was really terrible to say, but yeah...that was me!)

Until one fine day, when my beloved leader who had picked me up as a broken vessel came into my life and spoke a "revelation" into me....haha :P I think if you scroll back to the first few blogs, you might read that particular event that occurred too! Shirley, told me this:

"Hazel, you are too emotional. You cannot be like that. You must learn to manage your emotions and have self control. Else, you cannot lead the people under you."

So that one word, cause me to really wrestle with God, and ask God to help me manage my emotion. I was indeed successful! I began to manage my emotions really well with the help of God, I begin to become very good at it, that perhaps, unnoticingly I can even do it without God's help anymore. Only this time, when I have very emotional events occurring in my life, I shut down, I push it behind my head, I think I begin feeling proud being able to do that. haha. Nonetheless, it is not that I become emotionless, or that I do not understand how people feel. Ironically, I still understand and I can really emphatize if people were to feel the emotions they feel in a particular event. But if it was me in that same scenario, I wouldn't be happy with myself feeling that.

Thus, I become really legalistic with everything I feel...I get upset with myself if I begin to have emotions. So I shut down time and time again. Until....one day, once again, I was "revelationized" by my leader....hahaha...Shirley said: "Hazel, it is okay to feel certain feelings. You are a HUMAN!"

Now, that again, spark off a new journey of discovery. I realize, I have become so robotic with my emotions, that when people try to do their best to appreciate me and make me feel touched, I find it hard to respond, I barely care about what people say about me negatively (ok maybe this is a good thing..haha), and I cannot bear to see myself as a human.

One morning, as I was praying, God spoke to me telling me that how I would miss a big part of my beautiful journey with Him if I continue discounting my emotions as unimportant. I negotiated with Him of course. LoL...and I came to realize, that most people who shut off emotions, are not actually managing emotions, but rather, afraid to face the realness of feelings that could be surface through emotions.

I was not excluded. Nonetheless, that day, I just knew that I have been too proud trying to manage everything on my own, that in this part of my life, I have not allowed God to work on with me. God is interested in emotions. In fact, He made it, and He wants us to even worship Him with the emotions we have. So after that morning, I realized, that it is okay to feel emotions, but NOT be emotional. One is the feeling, the other is the action. The managing part, is where the action comes, not suprressing the feelings. Honestly, psychologically it is unhealthy to suppress any feelings ....haha...

That morning, God said one thing to me: "Hazel, why not stop being legalistic, feel what I have made you to feel...go through what I want you to go through, and rely on Me each time for a breakthrough. Admit that you have pain, you have hurts, but not let it affect you, by depending on me?"....

Since then, my life was really different. I learned to feel what I need to feel, and I learn to capture every feelings I have, every emotions I have, and present it at the altar for God to use and to move and to make a change. With all these, I feel so much more closer to God. Like He is part of something really close to me. And it is amazing how God can always bring peace and solutions later on. I have experienced a new journey with Him, and begin to understand Him so much more better now.....hence, I really feel a step closer to my destiny...because I believe this discovery is a step to a new journey of a new discovery in the ministry He has for me.

And because of this, I am humbled....knowing that I need Him each time I am angry, disappointed, upset, sad, unhappy, happy, touched, overjoyed, excited....Naturally, I would just tell Him there and then what I feel....and with all these, the greatest thing I have gained, is that I begin to learn to worship God with my emotions. When I sing a song, I could really feel the words and the lyrics, and the closeness of Him and me being together. It is really an awesome feeling....and with all that, my heart is now, able to be broken by the things that break the heart of God...

Conclusively, emotions, are not wrong. But being emotional is bad. So you can feel everything you need to feel, but you just need to manage the way you express it. Why show the whole world when you are sad or angry? Lock yourself in your room, and encounter God. It is those times that you can be truly humbled knowing that you need Him....I am officially humanized...and the everyday's journey with Him has been so different eversince. And because of all these I have learned to appreciate the events in life. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful...And I am so grateful to be alive at such a time as this.

The best is yet to come! I have finally found my home and purpose.....and I know....I am really really stepping closer to my destiny. Emotions Rocks! But God Rocks even more! :D hehe

Funny, how I thought I have learned so much and I do not know what else there is to learn, and God still keep giving me new lessons and discoveries about myself, things, people and matters around me. It is so exciting. I am so thrilled about what I am going to learn more in my future journey with Him.....

p/s: If you find this too spiritual? It is truly my personal encounter and for my own leisure. This is what I have been discovering recently. And I really really wish, the journey never ends....I have so much more to learn and discover. I think I am in love with Him all over AGAIN...teehee

Hope you guys are blessed!

toodles~

Letting Go...

Time after time, you go through journey of life, you see different people, different faces, characters and attitudes. Some make you grow, become a better person. Some help you learn better about yourself, some make you want to be better  and challenge you to walk a different path. All for the betterment. Some make you want to stand strong so that you can be a pillar of strength. Some make you want to reach out your hands to love even more, to give even more, to care even more.

But there are others who would break your heart, and others who would disappoint you. Others who would speak words that would try to bring you down, or do things that sabotages your livelihood, or just couldn't care less about anything that would matters to you, or would turn your love into their hatreds, or take the care you give or your rebukes and teachings as prejudice rather than love. Some could not trust that you can be a person who tells the truth but at the same time is also the person who actually loves and does things to benefit them.

So what do you do? My leader once said....learn to focus on the right people. God recently taught me to learn to let go.... Letting go, doesn't mean you do not care, but it simply means properly generate and investing your energy on the correct channel, people who would help us be better, people who would want to be better, people who would not drain every single bit of us. Not that those who does not appreciate us are no longer important anymore. They are, but perhaps their time is not now? Or perhaps this is where our journey ends together, somebody else will come along the way to pick him or her up from where we both stopped? Letting go is not cruel. Letting go is letting God to do His work, and not take over His job description.



Letting go is simply the two-way benefit. One to reserve his or her energy for the right people who would benefit from it, and also to protect oneself from being crushed from constant disappointments and finally stop functioning the way God wants him or her to function. Another, to take time to learn the truth, "bang the wall", and to have space to grow while exploring alone. Some people learn better that way.

But all in all, arms have to be still wide open. Should this one person fall, we must be the one who catches. Not judge, not hurl insults, not prove anything. But just to purely just catch, love, hug, and provide security.

Letting go.....is not easy. But holding on to something unfruitful is even tougher. Do you have anyone or anything in life you need to let go? Maybe a past hurt, maybe a past grudge, maybe someone who have broken your heart years before. Everyone by nature, will have something in life that they will be eager to hold on to firmly, eager to take control of and see results. Some are with people, some are with things or events in life. Nobody can say that they can totally let go of everything, especially significant things, people and event in life. I personally have a few to name. But think again. Is it worth the hold?

One must learn, when something is too tiring or draining to hold on to, it is time to let go, and let God. Unless, it is one that God pushes us to keep holding on to it for our benefit and for us to grow. Other than that, let's allow God to do His work, and stop taking control of everything. We, in fact are merely human,not God. Let's not try to take over God's job. We will go nowhere. Just do our best, and God will surely handle the rest.

As much as we learn to love, learning to let go at the right moment, and at the right situation is also very crucial.

Hope this small little thought and lesson blessed you today... :))